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To tell friend the real reason why I can't help with childcare?

(81 Posts)
Letmebeloved Fri 03-Jul-20 23:21:51

A friend of both DH and I has been asking for help with childcare over the summer. DH refuses to help with anything around the house and/or anything to do with the children. I also work on top of all this.

Usually I would help her out but DH's behaviour has become increasingly unbearable and i am struggling to manage.

Would I be unreasonable to be honest and tell her the reason why i won't be able to help her out this time or is that being disloyal to DH? blush

OP’s posts: |
user1473878824 Fri 03-Jul-20 23:22:54

Who the fuck cares about being disloyal to someone so completely rubbish?

Honeyroar Fri 03-Jul-20 23:23:57

Tell her. It’s the truth.

Nquartz Fri 03-Jul-20 23:24:08

What she said

Weenurse Fri 03-Jul-20 23:24:08

Be honest

Letmebeloved Fri 03-Jul-20 23:24:10

I'm just worried our friend will think I'm awful to say such things about DH and it will backfire blush

OP’s posts: |
FlaskMaster Fri 03-Jul-20 23:25:33

Of course tell the truth. Why would you lie to pretend he wasn't totally shit? What would be the point? Also, what the fuck, in general?

Evelefteden Fri 03-Jul-20 23:26:45


I'm just worried our friend will think I'm awful to say such things about DH and it will backfire blush

I probably wouldnt just incase she passed what you said to some one else. Once it’s out it’s out.

I’d probably would just say ‘ I really wish I could help you out but I just can’t at this moment’

Oilyoilyoilgob Fri 03-Jul-20 23:27:36

Your friend won’t think your awful at all. Please don’t worry about that, they’d rather know the truth then find out later you were nearly killing yourself to help them. Your friend will understand, and it might help you to actually say this out loud to someone.

It sounds really tough, hope you’re ok. Has he always been like this or is this recent?

Does he just come in from work and do jack shit with any of you?

Letmebeloved Fri 03-Jul-20 23:28:17

I suppose that if someone told me that about someone I thought was a nice guy, I would feel strange and wonder why they were over sharing about how rubbish their relationship is.

OP’s posts: |
Hercwasonaroll Fri 03-Jul-20 23:29:13

If my friend said this to me I'd look for ways to support them (and hopefully eventually help them ltb).

Don't keep your husbands secrets, if he's a twat, tell people.

Letmebeloved Fri 03-Jul-20 23:31:01

I'm just worried that as she's a joint friend, she might not believe me and tell him what I've said and then it makes things worse.

OP’s posts: |
StuffThem Fri 03-Jul-20 23:31:06

What your friend thinks is a distraction.

I gently suggest focusing your attention on dealing with your darling husband.

MinesAPintOfTea Fri 03-Jul-20 23:32:38

I'd tell her. I'd also consider if she could be relied on for a reciprocal arrangement. Ie you have both kids Monday, she takes both Tuesday. Whether that will give you more breathing space or be a nightmare depends on kids of course.

Starlightstarbright1 Fri 03-Jul-20 23:33:12

More than telling your friend how are you moving forward with your partner.

You friend can sort her own childcare . She asked - no

Hercwasonaroll Fri 03-Jul-20 23:34:02

He's done a number on you OP.

Tell. Her. She probably won't be overly surprised.

FiveFootTwoEyesOfBlue Fri 03-Jul-20 23:36:12

Re your AIBU question, I don't think it matters either way. Why are you worried about being 'disloyal' to a man who seems utterly selfish? You don't have to just meekly accept your 'D'H refusing to do housework or look after his own children. Is this how you see the rest of your life, as a drudge?

NameChange84 Fri 03-Jul-20 23:38:09

If it makes you feel better, friends have confided similar to me and I never thought any less of them...

Evelefteden Fri 03-Jul-20 23:42:06

I don’t think it’s as easy as just tell her.

I absolutely advocate taking to trusted people when your in a shit relationship but the OP needs to think about what will that knowledge actually achieve?

Does op want to leave? Dies she want support? Can she trust this women not to repeat it to the other mums at school?

Or will it get really awkward and maybe the friend will suggest leaving but the OP isn’t ready and then twists herself in knots knowing that a third person is now involved and privy to private information.

PyongyangKipperbang Fri 03-Jul-20 23:44:30

"Why dont you ask my DH? He does fuck all with his own kids and house so he has plenty of time to help you out with yours!"

Sparticuscaticus Fri 03-Jul-20 23:44:49

Why do you have to help your friend out with childcare? You work and have your own DC, so I'd stick with the ' Sorry I can't help, I'm too busy and stretched as it is' You don't need to explain or justify and tbh I wouldn't if it is a mutual friend. It's none of her business why you can't do her a favour, you just can't.

HowzAboutThisThen Fri 03-Jul-20 23:45:21

Tell her you are already committed to unexpectedly having another child to cope with over the summer - your H

gandalf456 Fri 03-Jul-20 23:47:36

I don't think you need to air your dirty laundry unless you are close. I would just say you would find it a bit much with work and everything.

If you're peed off with dh, that's also an issue but a separate one for you to tackle

MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood Fri 03-Jul-20 23:48:28

I suppose that if someone told me that about someone I thought was a nice guy, I would feel strange and wonder why they were over sharing about how rubbish their relationship is. gosh we havent come far at all, have we.

Op, you sound scared of him. Being a lazy shit father isnt the only issue, is it?

Lollypop4 Fri 03-Jul-20 23:49:19

Simply tell you have too much on with your own family and work.
Tbh, I'd never ask a friend to help me out if they have their own family and working too.

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