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AIBU?

to think this is unacceptable from DH.

104 replies

Yolo89 · 05/06/2020 09:56

I have spoken many times about my DH who suffers from some form of depression and has an alcohol issue. He has temporarily moved out so he can sort himself out. We are also getting counselling. In his latest fiasco, he got us a letter of eviction on our property as he has paid no rent for two months. He is without a job at the moment and has taken this room which obviously costs money, whilst not been able to afford our rent. We recieive UC at the moment. He has a high paying job so if he is working it is fine. But he is not.

When he got the letter, I asked him for all the emails sent to the LL. He had not replied to some and then not responded enough to some of them. Plus he paid NO rent. None. I was shocked. And shocked at how he is shcoked at this, as if it is happening to him and he is not at fault. He didnt know how to respond to them. I had to with a plan. I cant fathom how someone that is intelligent is like this. Is this the alcohol problem taking over? He does not drink every day and not rolling around drunk but it seems to impair something. I just cant understand it?

OP posts:

Report

iusedtohavechickens · 05/06/2020 09:57

I'm pretty sure you can't be evicted at the moment due to the COVID? Might be worth emailing ll yourself and get things cleared up xx

BadgertheBodger · 05/06/2020 10:04

You can be served notice but it has been extended to 3 months rather than the usual 2. It’s important to find out exactly what section notice you have been served: section 21 is standard notice to quit and can be served for pretty much any reason or no reason at all other than the landlord wants the property back. Section 8 is served if you are 8 weeks in arrears. Crucially for section 8 you cannot be taken to court if at any time up to the court date you bring the arrears down to less than 8 weeks. Worth checking carefully. I’m sure you will be doing but I’d strongly recommend you take on all the finances to protect yourself.

NC4Now · 05/06/2020 10:13

Good advice there from Badger. I think you are going to have to take the housing matters into your own hands. As for the husband matters... I don’t think non-daily drinking would cause this but if there is an underlying depression, he may just be struggling to cope in general. Is he getting treatment for that?
It’s not acceptable to put your family at risk of homelessness, but if he is unwell and needs support you may be able to work together. You both have to be committed to that though- you can’t do it on your own

Yolo89 · 05/06/2020 10:57

I used to - it is for Sept due to COVID. I didnt have access to the emails but I have taken over this to sort it out as it is clearly beyond my DH. When I genuinely asked him if he was ok and unable to respond to such emails and sort he got cross but honestly it is beyond him to do anything of this nature. He just buries his head and hopes it goes away. It is very scary.He will not tell me his financial situation though ive asked many times.

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Yolo89 · 05/06/2020 11:02

Thanks Badger and NC4 - both very good advice. We are aiming to pay off some today. I have no idea why DH paid nothing. I really do not. This has been a longstanding pattern ever since he was out of work for 9 months in 2012. He just leaves things until they are really bad. Then he blames it as if it has happened to him, not he created the problem. And if I get upset, he explodes. It is so unfair. He is spending money on a room which he can little afford plus trying to get me to take money early out of a retirement fund (which he has done himself) It is just unacceptable. He was only angry yesterday not taking responsibility to do anything about it. I have no idea how to make him see what he is doing is not right.

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Yolo89 · 05/06/2020 12:54

NC4 - I just tried to talk to him about his taking responsibility and sorting things out. He just feels I am attacking him. I am just trying to keep things moving. He is in a very dark place. Everything I say is loaded.

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NC4Now · 05/06/2020 12:56

That sounds unworkable. Does he manage to get anything done? Things he wants to do? Or is he completely unmotivated on every front?
He shouldn’t be exploding at you when you are trying to help.

Yolo89 · 05/06/2020 12:57

I am trying to work through it all together. We are seeing a counsellor. But it came out the other day he does not want to stop drinking and in fact it is my fault he has to hide beers. He would rather drink in the open. It is just irrational. He also had a go at me as I dont drink but if I do I feel quite ill. On the odd occasion I say sod it and have one as it is nice to have a wine. He had a go at me saying that I have it even though it makes me ill as he then has to take on more of looking after the children. I want to scream. The amount of days I have had to pick up the pieces due to his drinking . Why oh why is his rational state so distorted?

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Yolo89 · 05/06/2020 13:08

NC4 - it is almost unworkable. Hmm, does he get anything done? He is living away from the house at the moment looking for a job and does look after the children and help me clean here a bit. Not much beyond this. He goes running I think.

Most of the time he comes to help here he is just on his phone. He will sit with a child on his phone whilst they watch a screen. Or sit in their bedroom while they are going to sleep on his phone. They he will say he did so much cause he tidied a room for 5 minutes.

He cannot see his phone addiction or any of it.

I need to talk about stuff about money, finance, children and he feels attacked. He feels I dont ask in a nice enough way. I am up to my ears in anger as things are left until we get notices to evict.

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Enchantmentz · 05/06/2020 13:24

What a terrible state he has left you in op, is the counselling in the view of saving the marriage? It doesn't sound like he is genuinely trying to change his behaviours, if anything he wants you to put up and shut up going by what you have said.

I imagine it is a really difficult situation but a hard ultimatum is probably the only way forward. If you don't already I would demand all control of the finances including his money and continue on the path that you are on already. It would be this or a firm separation so that you can protect yourself and dc. It doesn't sound like he genuinely wants to change and will drag you down with him.

Auridon4life · 05/06/2020 14:11

Ltb there's no excuse for that crap. Seriously he loses his temper when you get upset? He's lying to you. He's made you homeless. He does not care for you or your well being.

Auridon4life · 05/06/2020 14:14

He sounds completely mental tbh. He encourages you to drink?

LouHotel · 05/06/2020 14:22

Why are you trying to repair this relationship?

This isn't just avoidance because of depression, hes effectively left you, did he show you the letter or was it delivered?

I bet he managed to pay the rent on the house over his head.

Auridon4life · 05/06/2020 14:23

Sorry just remembered that you said he had left my bad

Auridon4life · 05/06/2020 14:26

Good riddance to bad rubbish. Don't worry I've always seemed to make a beeline for losers. You feel sorry for them and want to take care of them and they take advantage of that. He's making it so you can't make financial decisions or have any independence. Its not the fifties he doesn't get to behave like that.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/06/2020 14:31

Why are you bothering trying to save this marriage? There is nothing to save.

Yolo89 · 05/06/2020 16:12

Enchatntx- the counselling is with an addiction couples counsellor. In a way I am humouring him, as I do know he has the majority of the issues. I am not perfect for sure, but he is blaming for me for his addiction, his need to hide alcohol, the lot. So the main issue is alcohol. Our relationship went downhill with the alcohol. All the issues he has I can work on. But it is all linked. At the moment I am controlling as i ask him to look after DC at certain times, as he doesnt initiate anything. Ever. Ever. I am hassling him as i want to sort out finances and not getting evicted. It goes on. It is irratinonal. Literally cannot talk to him.

I would like to sort the marriage as he a decent guy. he just has a lot of issues due to depression with a health issue. This has led to drinking.

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Yolo89 · 05/06/2020 16:16

lou - no it isnt that. The lease is in his name only. He just is not savvy with these things, never has been. he has worked out a plan to pay.

His plan is to come back. I just not sure what use he is making of his space right now. other than being on his phone, drinking and not being hassled by reality.

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Yolo89 · 05/06/2020 16:19

Enchat - it did come out in counselling that he does not want to stop drinking. I said I need him too. He will never see rational thought if he doesnt. He does not think he has a problem. He is complete denial and it is all my fault. It is an awful place to be.

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LilyMarshall · 05/06/2020 16:22

Op, honestly, is this what you want for your life? He wont change. Youll have to Parent him forever.

Yolo89 · 05/06/2020 16:26

Lily - obviously not. This is a fairly new problem. If he cant change I have no choice yes, but I need to give him a chance. Dont I?

He is a beautiful soul that has been lost... I want him back. But I take your point. No I dont want this. It is shite.

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EKGEMS · 05/06/2020 16:34

Yolo89 I say this bluntly because I really think you need it-wake the fuck up and be the responsible adult and mother to your children and get a divorce. This is not a stable,living,functional environment for the kids! He's an addict in denial but you are equally in denial-he's a "beautiful soul" He left you in a home and skipped the rent payment for multiple months.

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Itsnotlikemilkingacow · 05/06/2020 16:34

Contact Shelter for advice on the notice from your landlord, they will be able to advise on your specific situation and how it is affected by the changes put in place because of covid19 (and the arrears).

TwentyViginti · 05/06/2020 16:35

@Yolo89

Lily - obviously not. This is a fairly new problem. If he cant change I have no choice yes, but I need to give him a chance. Dont I?

He is a beautiful soul that has been lost... I want him back. But I take your point. No I dont want this. It is shite.

Actually, no. You don't have to give him a chance. You can end a relationship for any reason or none. You have plenty of reasons for ending this one - including the well-being and security of your DC, which means a safe roof over their heads.

This 'beautiful soul' will not provide that.

Muppetry76 · 05/06/2020 16:44

He has made his choice OP - he's made it very clear that he's choosing to drink rather than have a marriage.

This has been going on for years. Do you want another 3,5,10 years of worrying about LOOSING YOUR HOME never mind his alcohol problem that he is choosing to prioritise rather than work with you to secure? He is already being financially abusive by refusing to allow you to know your JOINT financial situation. Emotionally abusive by blaming you for his problems with alcohol and refusing to properly engage with the counselling.

Prioritise your kids. Yourself. What he does with himself, in his own place is up to him. One of you needs to do the right thing for the kids, and it looks like it's going to be you. Good luck OP.

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