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Help this shy introvert use her garden!

(94 Posts)
Suziet12 Tue 02-Jun-20 14:07:58

Ndn 2 kids early teens. Constantly in garden kicking footballs into my fence and over fence into my garden. I get stressed by their noise and feel unable to sit in my Garden With my little ones. Everyone in street has kids and they all play in garden but I’m not bothered the slightest about any noise they make it’s normal garden noises.

Today I just thought I’ll sit it out and doesn’t matter how much noise they make I won’t be bothered by it. One of them then hangs over my fence looking for a lost ball I presume! The parents don’t even say anything. They just carried on chatting to each other!

I just feel annoyed that I can’t sit in my garden with my kids. Sometimes I don’t want to step out even to put washing out as their voices just grate on me. I know it sounds bad but they just annoy me. Has anyone been in similar situation? How would you change your perspective? I don’t feel able to talk to the parents as once I asked about being more careful but obviously fence is still getting kicked and ball comes over daily.

Just to re-iterate the other neighbours kids do not bother me and they’re similar ages.

Help me change my thinking please. No nasty comments, just want to hear from people who can sympathise or have experienced similar. I just wish it wouldn’t bother me I am more sensitive to noises in general I think but I’m sure this level of bloody kicking n screaming would annoy anyone. I try not to give ball back straight away now but they have a stack of them! So I end up with 3 or 4.

OP’s posts: |
Onone Tue 02-Jun-20 14:14:11

I’m the same,although I get up early and do the gardening,my ndn are giant nobheads,for example it’s my daughters birthday today,I thought with it being nice weather I would put balloons outside an get her a pool,to hell with the ndn BUT they have only gone an got a pool an having a bloody party!!...day ruined !

Ilovechocolatetoomuch Tue 02-Jun-20 14:18:06

Our neighbours like to pop their head over the fence quite regularly. I’m sure some people don’t mind this sort of behaviour but personally it feels a bit like an invasion of our privacy.
We have planted a line of shrubs which will hopefully remove the opportunity for them to do this as I agree with you it is very annoying.

ClaudiaWankleman Tue 02-Jun-20 14:20:34

With all that you have said, I would doubt that it really is an unacceptable level of kicking and screaming. You're being overly sensitive (as are you @Onone - your neighbours have as much right to have a pool as you do hmm )

You need to find a new perspective - maybe start with doing something that requires concentration in the garden, rather than just sitting there winding yourself up about hearing your neighbours.

Or listen to music, play with your children (they won't be silent) or similar. Don't just sit and seethe over nothing.

dentydown Tue 02-Jun-20 14:21:45

It’s your garden, your space. You have a right to be there. If the kids hang over the fence a brief “you ok/can I help you” and lob the ball back. If they do it all the time, “I’ll do it in x minutes. It’s fine as long as they get their ball back undamaged.

Mintjulia Tue 02-Jun-20 14:22:44

Have you tried getting to know them? Ask them to wash your car for £10 or something similar.

I think people are normally easier to get on with if you know something about them.

Lucked Tue 02-Jun-20 14:25:02

Can you, in your head, think about it more like being at the park but with access to toilets and a kitchen. Therefore a lower expectation of privacy and noise. The neighbours kids are probably being a bit nosy because they never see you and will get board of you if you are out more often.

BahHumPug Tue 02-Jun-20 14:29:50

Onone

I’m the same,although I get up early and do the gardening,my ndn are giant nobheads,for example it’s my daughters birthday today,I thought with it being nice weather I would put balloons outside an get her a pool,to hell with the ndn BUT they have only gone an got a pool an having a bloody party!!...day ruined !

I don't understand this. Your neighbours have ruined your day by having a party when you were intending to do exactly the same thing, pool and all?

TheMandalorian Tue 02-Jun-20 14:31:46

▪︎Get a taller fence.
▪︎Train some spiky plants up it.
▪︎Move house.
▪︎Therapy for your severe anxiety before it affects your kids.
At the end of the day, you cant change other people's behavior if you dont talk to them. You can change yourself.

MojoMoon Tue 02-Jun-20 14:32:35

Stick trellis on the top of your side of the fence to make it higher.

How high is the fence now?

They're not really doing anything wrong, maybe a little careless but that's not illegal.

Teenagers are harder to feel charitable towards than the other small children on your street. But remember your little ones will one day be teenagers and considerably less cute.

And yes, just change your mindset. No garden in terraced housing or flats is that private - they can watch your out of their upstairs window if they want, they don't need to hang over the fence.

StillCoughingandLaughing Tue 02-Jun-20 14:34:07

Earplugs for you; barbed wire for the fence.

Thisismytimetoshine Tue 02-Jun-20 14:37:31

Lot of weirdness on this thread confused Scared to sit in the garden because children look at you... (Raise the fence?)
I wanted to have a pool party but the bastard neighbours are having one too so I'm no longer special...
Oddballs.

Kay2theT Tue 02-Jun-20 14:51:37

Being an introvert means you need time away from people to recharge, it has nothing to do with anxiety, shyness or fear of confrontation. You are being overly sensitive, if they pop their heads over the fence ask them what they want. There is also only so much the parents can do, the kids are obviously playing together and not just kicking the ball against the fence or into your yard. Stick on some music, get busy and have a good time.

@Onone did you not distribute leaflets to the entire street that it was your kids birthday and your house was the only one allowed to fun that day? On my street we have a strict calender and new people can only move in if their birthdays don't clash with someone elses and if you give birth and the date is already in use you have to move.

SonEtLumiere Tue 02-Jun-20 14:51:48

I just feel annoyed that I can’t sit in my garden with my kids. Sometimes I don’t want to step out even to put washing out as their voices just grate on me.

I think the route through this may be to look at the weight you are attaching to the word “can’t”. Can’t isn’t actually correct is it, it’s “prefer not to” or “I feel irrational anger at, and therefore choose not to”.
If someone said to you “Your legitimate presence [here] ruins it for me” you would instantly recognise that as being unreasonable.

You may also find being a little more assertive helpful. So a polite “Hi kids, can I ask you not to kick your ball over the fence because it makes it unpleasant for me in my own garden, and that wouldn’t be fair, would it?”. What is stopping you from being polite but assertive? The aphorism Silence is Assent is so true, all the time you say nothing you are effectively agreeing to this.

I obviously have a totally different mindset to you, so can I ask what you had seen as your options?

Suziet12 Tue 02-Jun-20 14:51:50

Thanks everyone yes I agree learning to block out the noise is a good plan!

@ Thisismytimetoshine Scared to sit in the garden because children look at you... (Raise the fence?) what you talking about? I never said that!

@TheMandalorian what are u in about also? I do not need “therapy for my anxiety” are u feeling okay yourself?

@MojoMoon exactly I do find it harder to tolerate them as their older. I could be breastfeeding my baby lol! Parents annoy me as they could say no boys don’t climb over fence or at least once say sorry they keep kicking balls over.

OP’s posts: |
Bookoffacts Tue 02-Jun-20 14:52:26

Be nicer.
And give the children their balls back. Ffs. You can't hoard them it's making you look odd(er).

Suziet12 Tue 02-Jun-20 14:54:07

@Bookoffacts you do realise their not children yeah? I’m not keeping balls from a 5 year old and actually the advice I was given on another forum was NOT to return balls straight away as it makes these teenagers more careless thinking she’ll kick them over again!

OP’s posts: |
Suziet12 Tue 02-Jun-20 14:56:25

I realise I’m not gonna get any more practical advise just abuse do I won’t read anymore. Thank you to the people who gave tips on driving out noise. Enjoy your day! And have a lovely birthday to your daughter @Onone hope she enjoys herself.

OP’s posts: |
AvoidingRealHumans Tue 02-Jun-20 14:59:49

I always get surprised on here at the height of peoples fences.
How tall (short) are they? I've never lived anywhere with a fence lower than 6ft (ish). Never been able to see over my neighbours fences.

As for op, it's as simple/harsh as you need to get over it. There's no other way around it.

ClassicCola Tue 02-Jun-20 15:01:22

Your kids will be teenagers one day. Just chuck the balls back then they won't have to look over the fence for them.

VeraorHolly Tue 02-Jun-20 15:03:00

My teenagers do kick a ball over the fence about once a week. It happens because they get carried away.

This won't last, the teenagers don't want to be with only their siblings kicking balls in the garden. They want to be roaming around in large packs doing all the important social development teenagers do.

Have compassion. You are struggling. They are struggling. They aren't paying any attention to you at all and that can grate, but it is pretty normal teenager stuff.

You might consider moving somewhere more rural.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat Tue 02-Jun-20 15:03:02

Young teenagers as you described them are still children. I’m not saying I would hate them constantly coming over too, but I do have teenagers and they are still children.

LivingThatLockdownLife Tue 02-Jun-20 15:03:13

Suziet12

I realise I’m not gonna get any more practical advise just abuse do I won’t read anymore. Thank you to the people who gave tips on driving out noise. Enjoy your day! And have a lovely birthday to your daughter @Onone hope she enjoys herself.

Abuse? confused

That escalated quickly.

MuthaClucker Tue 02-Jun-20 15:03:50

It’s just part and parcel of close community living I’m afraid.
People have been complaining about balls over the fence since Adam were a lad.

ClassicCola Tue 02-Jun-20 15:04:44

'These teenagers' were once little kids like yours. Your attitude towards teengers stinks.

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