AIBU to expect my H to have cut all contact with OW

[NeedSome1ToHelpMe]

This is a very long story for me. So I’ve cut it to the main point.

I found out over 2 years ago that my H had been having an affair for over 12 months and was effectively leading double life with OW. He ‘works away’ 2 or 3 nights a week. He was actually spending those nights with her in her house.

After I found out about the affair my H told me it was over and he was no longer in contact with the OW at all. However I’ve just found out that he had actually given her a job.., so they’ve been working together for years now, without me knowing at all. My H has hidden this from me brilliantly. I had no idea!

So, I logged into his mobile phone account and have discovered that they talk to each other for hours most days. He’s told me it’s just work and there’s nothing going on. But I don’t believe him.

We’re in lockdown together and I’m absolutely devastated and completely heartbroken. I feel like such a fool.

My family live miles away. So just me, him and DD.
I feel so alone because I have no one to confide in and no one to help me.

I’ve told him to leave. But he won’t go and says I’m being unreasonable. He says I should just accept there’s nothing going on between him and OW.., it’s just work!

Help! AIBU?

[Cherrysoup]

Can you afford the house alone with his maintenance? You can go for an occupation order so you can stay and he has to go. I’m sure lots of other people who know loads more than me will come along soon.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

It doesn't matter if it's work. What matters is that he betrayed you and has continued to lie to you.

My theory about infidelity... One of the worst things is that the person has taken away your choices. They have all the information and make their choices. They give you crumbs of information and you can't.

If it's just work, why has he lied this whole time?

[SorryDidISayThatOutLoud]

No, you are not being unreasonable. He has taken you for a fool. Otherwise he would have told you he'd given her a job. I'd never trust him again.

[Maximo1]

He is doing the classic gaslighting. Trying to make out that you are in the wrong, making something of nothing etc.
If this was truly innocent then he would have told you everything when the affair came out. No one is on the phone for hours with his “previous” mistress.

I had similar situation where I was made to feel paranoid for doubting a working relationship. When he reluctantly left he had moved in with the “colleague” within 2 months. 2 years later they are still together.

Do not doubt your gut feeling. If you have somewhere to go and need space then go to your family if you can. Ideally tell him to leave. He broke your trust, he broke your marriage,do not let him break you

[CuppaZa]

Doubt very much it’s just ‘work’.
Awful time for this to come out OP.

[bottlenose301]

I would be really hurt and livid by this.

Even if she is this amazing performer in a niche job role (what role is it?), not telling you is a massive red flag.

[Selfsettling3]

I very much doubt it’s just work. I’m sorry. Think of the saying “ fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me”. He has fooled you once into think it’s over and you can trust him again but his want is not trust worthy.

[Selfsettling3]

That sound read he is not trust worthy.

[LangSpartacusCleg]

At the end of the day, you don’t trust him. (Understandably, in my opinion).

So it doesn’t matter whether or not he is having an affair. (He probably is)

Divorce. Call a solicitor now.

[Winterlife]

Ask him if you'd had been sleeping with another man for over a year, he forgave you, and then found out that, not only were you texting with the man for hours a day, you also gave him a job working with you, whether he'd believe nothing was going on.

Of course he is lying to you and playing you for a fool. It's time to start copying all financial information, hire a solicitor, and force his choice. You deserve a man who respects you. Your husband does not.

[Imstillskanking]

Wtf?

No, absolutely not ok, even if nothing is going on. I'd be speaking to a divorce lawyer.

[user1473878824]

@NeedSome1ToHelpMe I’m so sorry. He’s gaslighting you. Even if it is just work, he’s spending hours with someone he had an affair with and that’s just absolutely not okay. Being very honest I do not see how you can continue to be married to someone how has done this to you and you cannot trust at all. Tomorrow call a solicitor and find out what you can do during lockdown. I’m so so so very sorry.

[Dieu]

Och, your poor thing. He has conducted himself very inappropriately and disingenuously. Even if by some miracle the affair isn't continuing, she is still taking up far too much of his headspace and attention.
I'm really sorry OP

[TerrorWig]

It seems a lot you just have to accept and put up with - but he won’t make changes to his life? He won’t stop talking to her. Won’t accept you need some space away from him.

He sounds like a complete bastard OP. I might be able to forgive a drunken one night stand if our relationship was suffering. A long term thing? No chance.

I would start divorce proceedings right now. If he won’t accept it from you, maybe legal documents might make him see the lay of the land.

What a bastard. I am raging for you. Seriously raging.

[InTheSummerhouse]

It depends on the circumstances. Is it his own company? If he is a manager in a company he could not have blocked her career. Did he "give her a job" or do they work together and she deserved a promotion? Maybe it is just work. I worked with an ex for years as neither of us wanted to give up our hard-won jobs. I didn't tell DP at the time as there was nothing to tell.

Basically either you trust him or you don't. If you don't it doesn't matter what he says does it? If you don't then you probably have good reason not to.

When this is over you can talk about splitting up. Prepare now. No real point in having huge rows about it now - especially with an enclosed space and a child in the house.

[RightOnTheEdge]

Omg, what an absolute maggot he is!
And to just tell you that you should just accept it 😡
He is just a bastard OP please don't give him any more chances.
I'm so sorry for you and sending you a hand hold until some people with more practical advise come along

[BaroleCaskin]

What an absolute tool. If he was so sorry for having an affair with this woman he would go out of his way to cut her out of his life. Not give her a job on the sly and keep it a secret for years. He obviously still likes her. You can't be sure they aren't still sleeping together. You can't exactly take his word for it when he's a known liar, and has lied about this situation before. Also, if you have forgiven him for cheating once he probably thinks he will be able to win you round again a second time.
Leave his sorry ass.

[Summersunandoranges]

You can’t trust a word he says and it’s horrible he has took the piss out of you like this.

He is gas lighting you. This is not normal at all.

Massive hugs for you.

[NeedSome1ToHelpMe]

Thank you all so much for your advice. Just to add a bit more info..,

My H is a company director. The OW is, or was, a junior member of staff. There’s no doubt in my mind he’s helped further her career!
He got a job with another company after I found out about the affair. But what I didn’t know was he restructured to create a role for her, then just gave her the job! Basically brought her in as part of his ‘team’.
He’s told me she demanded he give her a job. She apparently told him he ‘owed her’.

I know what I should do. I know I should divorce him and never look back. But I’m scared.
I’ve been with him for 20 years. He’s my whole world. I’ve never been on my own. Never. Always with him. And yes, 100% faithful. I would never cheat. Never.

I just don’t know how I’m going to get through this 🥺

[DrManhattan]

Feel so bad for you. You need to leave him asap. Hes a rat. Once a cheater always a cheater.

[Tessie87]

I think his affair was reason enough to leave...orchestrating it so she could continue to work with him continued the deceit and shows absolutely no effort on his part to leave her in the past. Telling you she 'demanded' a job is a crock of shit, and I hope you've not fallen for that one. The constant contact proves he cannot be without her.

You need to be the one to take control here, tell him it's over. He may be refusing to leave at the moment but you deserve a lot better and I think the fact you're posting here shows you are aware that none of this is normal.

I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be and how scary it must feel to think of starting again but honestly, you deserve so much better than a lying piece of crap for a husband. I can't imagine there could be much trust after this anyway. As hard as it seems now, you absolutely will get through this.

[Doobababarah]

What an absolute bastard.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through

[Patch23042]

He doesn’t regard your relationship as exclusive. He made that clear a couple of years ago.

Don’t let him walk all over you for the rest of your life OP.

You’re stuck in lockdown currently but you can still get the ball rolling with a solicitor, via telephone or email.

[Poppi89]

He's 100% having another affair with her.
I thought before reading this he would have her on facebook or something which would be bad enough but to actually get her a job and be in constant contact is really disrespectful to you OP.

[flippityflobberty]

No, no, no. He is having his cake and eating it.

I'm so sorry for you