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To think I can't get out of this mess?

(91 Posts)
surelyitcantgwtworsethanthis Wed 15-Jan-20 07:54:50

I am not sure what I am hoping to achieve from this, but I know I need help or I'm going to sink and fast. On the outside my life is envious, big house, lovely husband, brand new promotion in the field I want to work in, great salary. But all I want is to be a mum and it won’t happen with you explanation. Rounds of failed IVF have left me angry and bitter.  I have a lovely DSS (teen), but the relationship is strained as he blames me for his dad leaving his mum (not true) and I find it difficult to ‘parent him’ if I so much ask him to put a glass in the sink, he is straight on the phone to his DM to be collected, claiming that I am a bully.  He will often refuse to visit the house if I am home, which only adds to my feeling of complete isolation. He is trying to push me out my own home and frankly succeeding. I feel completely broken. I cry my way to work in the morning, not just cry but full on sobbing. A work colleague called me yesterday and his warm tone on the phone made my bottom lip drop desperate to cry, to tell him I need help. DH just thinks we need to keep moving forward and not let it consume us. That at least we have each other, that we can’t let it destroy us. So I internalise all the pain. Train in the gym to the point of exhaustion or vomiting, it’s the only thing that makes me feel strong and motivates me to hold on a little longer. So I’m stuck in a pit of utter misery. I can’t talk to my mum as I need to be strong for her as my dad is just recovering from surgery. My DSis is too busy with her 3 kids, her DH who travels overseas and her career. She was too busy to even send gifts at Christmas. Out of my BF’s they all have their own shit going on, one is planning her dream wedding, other is newly pregnant (so avoiding me) and the other is recovering from an auto immune illness and finally getting to study and get her life back. I am desperate to find light somewhere but it’s not forthcoming. AIBU to think I’ll get through this or should I let go and let it consume me? 

WeHaveSnowdrops Wed 15-Jan-20 08:01:22

Try to disengage as much as you can. Your DH needs to talk to his son about his lack of manners and punish poor attitude.

If he wants to go back to his mum, let him. Don't allow a child to manipulate you.

CakeandCustard28 Wed 15-Jan-20 08:03:56

Your DH needs to talk to his son and sort out his rudeness above everything else. Why is he allowing him to do that? Espically if it’s not true. Yabnu op.

Herocomplex Wed 15-Jan-20 08:13:42

If you feel you can’t speak to a friend or relative then find a professional listener - a therapist. Look on the BACP website for someone near you.

I can hear your desperation to be heard. Can you say what of the things you list is the most upsetting? Trying to conceive? It can be an incredibly emotional time. Your DH sounds as though he doesn’t understand how much you need to talk through things. That sounds quite lonely.

Find someone to talk to, get some help. I don’t think anyone would cope with what you’re going through by themselves. Take care of yourself.

Gazelda Wed 15-Jan-20 08:15:06

OP, I'm so sorry that life is very difficult for you. For the short term, let MN be your surrogate friends. Talk here, you'll be listened to.

Please don't fall into an emotional affair with your work colleague. It will only make you feel worse in the long run.

Your DH needs to talk with his DS about his behaviour. It is disrespectful and unacceptable.

Are you able to access any counselling about your difficulties to conceive? Preferably as a couple, but on your own if not. Although reading your post, I think that feeling on your own is a big part of your sadness.

Your DH should realise how close to the edge you are, and that there are steps he has to take to support you.

mum29919 Wed 15-Jan-20 08:23:09

You will get through this! I agree with PP that you should speak to a professional, it was the best thing I ever did. Your feelings are valid and you deserve to be heard, a therapist will help you see this and help with ways to communicate better with your partner. Try focus on one thing at once and make small changes even if it's just to the way you think about it. But no matter what happens, you will get through it, don't give up. Give yourself a break and go get a massage or something. Also, I'm sure your friends would be upset that you felt like you couldn't go to them, try reach out. And if you don't want to talk to them about your problems then help them with theirs, get involved in the wedding planning, offer to babysit for your sister. A change is as good as a rest!

SandyY2K Wed 15-Jan-20 08:25:04

In relation to you getting with your DH, was the timing shortly after the relationship with his Ex end?

Was there a long period of dad being single before meeting you? Because this could be part of the reason for his son's attitude.

Don't try to parent him. Leave his parents to do that. Let his dad clean up his mess to save you the headache.

I agree with what a OP said, be careful not to fall into confiding with your colleague while your emotions are so high and you feel vulnerable.

Failed IVF is pretty brutal. A relative went through it and became quite horrible with some of her comments... I just put it down to stress.

Therapy is also a good idea to work through your emotions.

Needallthesleep Wed 15-Jan-20 08:29:11

Your pain is so clear through your post, I don’t think there’s anything I can say but sending out a virtual hand hold. Have you had counselling at all?

Decidewhattobeandgobeit Wed 15-Jan-20 08:34:48

I’m sorry but your step son doesn’t sound lovely at all.

fishonabicycle Wed 15-Jan-20 08:43:33

Why hasn't your partner addressed the issue of his son's unpleasant behaviour? That is the first thing that needs to happen. Sorry you feel so bad x

Antihop Wed 15-Jan-20 08:44:02

So sorry op. I agree with the idea of talking to a counsellor. flowers

Do the people close to you know his bad you're feeling? Can you start a conversation? They might not know how to start a conversation about it.

HelloViroids Wed 15-Jan-20 08:46:32

I also agree you should see a counsellor - your IVF clinic should have some links to mental health specialists (even if it’s a while since you were last there, they are used to that). flowers be as kind to yourself as possible

Highonpotandused Wed 15-Jan-20 08:58:30

So sorry OP flowers

Why is your DH not addressing the issue with DSS? This needs to be sorted. You need DH’s support on this.

surelyitcantgwtworsethanthis Wed 15-Jan-20 08:59:29

DH struggles with DSS, he wants it to be nice for him while he is here and he is quick to sulk. So DH brushes over all the things that annoy me. Why should I work 60 hours a week and then come home to a kitchen littered with half drunk glasses and a sofa you can't sit on due to unwashed bed linen littering it. Or have to step over soaking wet swim stuff in the middle of the laundry floor. DH's response is I'll do it later, he wants to spend quality time with DS. Completely agree. But he could teach him basic manners along the way or they could both make an effort to do it together.
I hate to be one of these posters who rebuffs advice. But been there done that in terms of councillors. Didn't get reprieve. Told to see a dr. Again not useful as all the offered was meds.
The only safe place is exercise. Ran Ddog for 3km this morning and those blissful 15 minutes were peaceful. My heart didn't break. Then I stop and the wave crashes over me again.
No danger of an emotional affair. But can see why you may think that......

Lovemusic33 Wed 15-Jan-20 09:07:20

How old is DSS? I know you said he is a teen but there’s a difference between a 13 year old and a 19 year old. Either way your dh needs to address the situation and needs to stop DSS’s behaviour towards you.

You need to consider if your relationship is worth all this heart ache, what are you actually getting out of it? Things need to change or you will become ill with depression.

CakeandCustard28 Wed 15-Jan-20 09:08:15

But it’s not nice when he’s there, because he’s being a little dick to you! Stand your ground OP.

flouncyfanny Wed 15-Jan-20 09:09:40

I so much ask him to put a glass in the sink, he is straight on the phone to his DM to be collected, claiming that I am a bully. He will often refuse to visit the house if I am home, which only adds to my feeling of complete isolation. He is trying to push me out my own home

Right. Well as far as your "D"SS is concerned, you tell him to put the glass in the sink and if he sulks and buggers of to his mum, so what? If he refuses to visit, so what?
Let him. He sounds like a spoilt PITA.
What you do not do is let him push you out of your home. Speak to your DH and together down some ground rules about respect for you and your home.
And follow the advice of others about counselling. You need to talk to someone.

Jellybeansincognito Wed 15-Jan-20 09:10:18

Your husband sounds incredibly unsupportive.
What’s all the materialistic stuff in your life when you’re this unhappy?

He is allowing his child to treat you so disrespectfully in your own home.
It wouldn’t wash with me.

Jellybeansincognito Wed 15-Jan-20 09:10:30

And not just that,

Why isn’t he supporting you?

criminalweetabix Wed 15-Jan-20 09:12:30

Do you think separating from your husband would make you and your home life happier?

Herocomplex Wed 15-Jan-20 09:12:44

The problem is you’re banging your head against a brick wall if you’ve stated your case to DH and nothing’s changing. Your first post sounded despairing but your second sounds quite frustrated (nothing wrong with that).

The trouble is you can’t change other people, only how you view and deal with them.

Did the GP think you were depressed or anxious? Did you get anything positive or helpful from the councillor? They sound quite ineffective to be honest.

flouncyfanny Wed 15-Jan-20 09:13:27

OK, seen your update.
You really need to have firm words with DH about his son.
You have to tell him to get a grip of this. Leaving stuff lying around is not acceptable. I'd be tempted to get some black sacks and chuck the lot!

FGSJoanWhatsWrongWithYou Wed 15-Jan-20 09:14:40

Everyone else has been nice. I'll be a bit mean.

You have a DH problem. He is allowing his son to bully you both with sulks. Unacceptable. The boy already dislikes you and probably sees you as a doormat. DH isn't much bothered about you being disrespected. Fuck that. Time to go nuclear at DH about the mess. Every single time. Stop being a doormat. Start being a very difficult woman. If they have made a mess they should be rushing to clean up when they hear your key in the lock.

surelyitcantgwtworsethanthis Wed 15-Jan-20 09:17:49

Leaving my DH is not an option.

CakeandCustard28 Wed 15-Jan-20 09:19:24

If you won’t leave him, leave him to clean up his own child’s mess. Refuse to do any of it. And when he asks why just say you refuse to clean up after a child whose rude and ungrateful whose parents allow him to continue to get away with his behaviour. Put your DH on the spot.

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