That my friend thinks she's better then me?(107 Posts)
So, here it is. I had tried for years for a baby and finally conceived through full IVF.
About 6 weeks after my pregnancy was confirmed. My friend popped over and told me she was 'accidentally' pregnant with some bloke she just started seeing.
There it began really. Her pregnancy was perfect and she was so chilled all the way through. Mine was a nightmare with heavy bleeding, diabetes, and despite trying not to be anxious, obviously I was.
Her baby was born about 2 months after mine. My DS was a nightmare from day one. Induction/Birth went wrong and rushed for emergency c section. She popped hers out in a few hours with minimal fuss. Both are first borns.
My DS has been a crap sleeper since day one. Hers has been a great sleeper since the moment he popped into the world. Mine still doesn't settle himself at age 2 and never has. "you should just let him cry, that's what i do", no mention of the fact she's only ever needed to do it about twice because he's always slept well, but on the couple of occasions I did have a go, mine got so worked up he was physically sick. No thanks.
Mine hated tummy time and as such crawled late. Hers has done everything faster and sooner.
I would not be bothered about any of this if it wasn't for how smug she is and the pointed little comments which make me think she thinks it's because she's a better parent, not because her son is super chilled and mine is a pain in the proverbial.
I'm a bit pfb, but I don't mind that. She is always forgetting stuff she needs and borrowing stuff. Then mocks me being over organised and bringing too much stuff with me.
Her son has been at nursery for over a year and mine doesn't go yet, my choice. Mine isn't great at sharing (he's 2!?!?) hers is admittedly a bit better. "you should send him to nursery, that would fix that". Whenever mine is having a clingy stage "you should send him to nursery, that would fix that". No mention of the fact her boy was doing exactly the same thing a few weeks ago....
Today we met for lunch. She doesn't do mornings because her boy sleeps until 10am. I don't do lunch dates, generally because my son doesn't eat well in public and its around nap time. So then he's tired AND hangry and it's just not an enjoyable experience. She was late which dragged it all even closer to nap time.
In the end my son was so badly behaved I said i was calling it quits and getting him in the car for nap. Said this is our worst time to do anything, so I'd like to do earlier meets or later meets. Her response was yeah, that's why ive always make my son nap at 3 or 4 so we can have a proper day out. Yet another, 'you should have done it differently barb'. If my son naps that late, my chances of him going to bed are zero. Which is the same for most other mums I know? Right?
So anyway. When she does stuff I wouldn't do. I don't judge her or feel the need to comment on it. So why does she always seem like she's trying to get a one up on me?
I feel like saying f#ck it ive got enough friends and cutting ties. But I haven't really. I'm also hormonal and peed off with my job and my hubby atm so maybe I'm being over sensitive?
Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I could handle the barbs, without letting it rile me??
Thanks in advance....
She sounds completely insufferable. I'd call her out on it and back off if she reacts with anything other than an apology for being an idiot.
She does NOT sound like a good friend!
No advice I'm afraid but sending hugs. I hate people like that. Everyone is different and no child can be parented the same as the next child.
Today we met for lunch. She doesn't do mornings because her boy sleeps until 10am. I don't do lunch dates, generally because my son doesn't eat well in public and its around nap time. So then he's tired AND hangry and it's just not an enjoyable experience
Sod that! Why does she get to call the shots? If you have lots of other friends who are more supportive then I think this friendship has run it's course. And you are 100% correct saying the way you parent has little relevance on how well behaved your baby or toddler is (I have two polar opposites who weren't brought up any differently from one another!)
She sounds hugely irritating; my 2 year old goes to nursery and is rubbish at sharing and has had her share of clingy stages. She also won’t go to bed if she has a late nap.
I would say to her that you don’t judge her or make comments on her parenting so why does she do it. I often think things like that come out of insecurity but sometimes people are just idiots too:
She sounds absolutely insufferable.
Why on earth do you persist with spending time with such a soul-sucking joy-sponge of a woman?!
She sounds very irritating. I’d start replying something along the lines “we can’t all be as good at parenting as you” to every single annoying comment she makes. Or, just don’t see her again.
My DC1 was very like your friend’s and DC4 is very like your child. It’s not my parenting; it’s their personalities.
She does sound hard work and I can understand why you’re wondering if your friendship is worth it.
Do you think there’s a chance she’s seeing you have a tough time and thinks she’s making suggestions that could help? Perhaps she thinks letting you know some things that have worked for her might be worth trying with your little one?
I’m afraid I’ve been guilty of saying “I do it thins way” to a friend whose boy wasn’t getting on with the alternative way she was trying. Perhaps I’m the annoying friend! Hope not!
She sounds like a muppet. My first was an angel who I could take anywhere, my second taught me I definitely did NOT have it sussed!!!! All babies are different and it doesn't mean anything in the long run. I think you should try making new friends.
You clearly don’t like her. Why are you wasting the mental energy on her?
If you come away feeling worse for being in her company, then do yourself a favour and become unavailable to her and allow things to naturally wind down and drift apart. Friends should be supportive and help you feel better, she seems toxic to your mental wellbeing. Put some boundaries and barriers up, and focus on self care, love and your little one.
I think you need accept that friendship with this women will come with the barbs. Is she worth it? It sounds like she’s quite nasty, she’s the perfect parent (actually it sounds like she got a bit lucky in terms of behaviour but also that she just leaves him to it at times?) and she takes pleasure in putting you down and the whole relationship is on her terms. Honestly? I’d drop this friendship. She sounds toxic.
Urgh, she sounds awful. I'd distance myself from someone like that, seriously. And maybe hope that I get the chance to be as smug smiling back if hers turns into an absolute terror as they get older.
That's a toxic friend, keep her at arms length, it's not helpful to you and your well-being. Sorry OP
Actually, if she thinks she's helping, next time she makes a suggestion ask if she shouldn't be saving all her advice for the book she'll write about getting it all right. Might stop her, and stop meeting around her schedule!
Do you really need her as a friend? At least give yourself a break from her.
If I’m honest you sound rather jealous of her
What a cunt your friend is!! Yes, you might be a bit jealous of her, totally normal, but she doesn't have to rub your face in her perfect kid all the time. I'd be asking her politely to fuck off 🖕
Ugh OP I can sympathise. She's not a better parent, with babies it's pure luck if they sleep well.
You sound a bit defensive really. I have easy babies and yes I’m smug! Don’t have much else to be smug about. My friends all make suggestions to each other about what works for them.
If her kid sleeps til 10 then naps 3-4 theres no way hes in his bed before 10pm. That's fine if that works for her but just take what parents of good sleepers say with a pinch of salt.
I had someone like this, DS was about 10 weeks younger than her daughter and I think it came from anxiety on her part but I felt judged on everything. DS never slept until 18 months and I slept with him for a long time (happily so) but she was disgusted. The best thing you can do is distance yourself. It's not helping your son constantly comparing to her, it's not helping you or her.
FWIW my high needs, feed every hour day and night, will not settle anywhere but mummy's breast baby turned into the worlds easiest toddler. Hes now 3 and has never tantrummed, tells me hourly that he loves me and happily entertains himself and loves making friends. Dreading number 2 being an easy baby and nightmare toddler!
Seriously you need to distance yourself from her. She will get you down and the competitiveness will continue for years. You'll make new friends. Get rid.
life is too short and there are a lot of people out there. if someone is not lifting you up then do not spend your time with them!
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