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Nobody's bothering with my new baby

(82 Posts)
tiredandgrumpyx Tue 14-Jan-20 10:18:29

I gave birth on Friday by emergency c section and came home Sunday I have a two year old dd and an adult dd child. When I had little dd people came to visit bought little gifts and cards ect but this time nothing no visitors no cards nothing. I didn't have a baby shower so I don't know do people generally not bother with second baby's?
I'm feeling very down actually my dh isn't being that nice I've not even had a cheep bunch of flowers from him. He just seems annoyed that he has to help me more. I'm just trying to get on with it as I feel asking for help is just pissing him off
Anyway just wanted to get that off my chest I probably am being unreasonable or hormonal I just feel really forgotten

littlepaddypaws Tue 14-Jan-20 10:22:01

this a shit situation to be in and dh sounds a bit of a dead loss tbh when he should be supporting you esp.post c section, i've had them and it's
very difficult at first.
do you have family near by ?
congrats on your dc

2020BetterBeBetter Tue 14-Jan-20 10:23:15

Congratulations on your baby.

I’m not sure what you are expecting but I don't think many people do have a huge interest in other people’s children, let alone when it is their third. I doubt you’ve been forgotten, but people probably think you aren’t new to motherhood and are able to ask for things if you need it.

No excuse for your DH not helping out more (although I’m not sure what the flowers would do). Is he usually hands on with the children?

HoppingPavlova Tue 14-Jan-20 10:25:46

Yep, that’s pretty much the case with any baby after your first. However, your DH should be supportive and pulling his weight. Not with flowers but pushing a Hoover, a mop, dealing with the 2yo and cooking meals etc.

ssd Tue 14-Jan-20 10:25:47

flowers, congratulations op.

I don't think people don't care but they know you have your hands full and maybe you think they don't want to impose? Either that or they're shit !!
I'm sorry.

Louise91417 Tue 14-Jan-20 10:26:33

I would think given your c section on friday people are giving you a bit of time to recoup and settle at home..i wouldnt take it personal...as for dh i would care about him being pissed when you ask for a bit of help...you are very raw from op still and are bound to still be in a bit of pain..get him to mind little one while you have some pamper time..by end of week you will probably be sick of visitors...congratulations on your new arrivalflowers

Southmouth Tue 14-Jan-20 10:31:11

Congratulations flowers

When I had my first, I was overwhelmed with visitors and everyone wanting to help, shortly after I had my 2nd and no one really seemed to bother as much. She’s now 2 and I can count on my hand how many times she’s even seen my OH family!

SmileyClare Tue 14-Jan-20 10:34:22

Congratulations flowers
Have you let friends and family know? Perhaps they think you want time on your own to recover?
God knows there are enough threads on here about inconsiderate visitors wanting to come over and even hold the baby!
Perhaps family or friends are waiting to be invited to visit?

You have my sympathy. Of course you're feeling shit, you've had major surgery and are caring for a new born and a toddler and now is about the time when your hormones make you feel blue.
You must ask for help. Unlucky if Dh is acting annoyed. Boo boo poor him. You need help from him while you're recovering x

CmdrCressidaDuck Tue 14-Jan-20 10:34:39

Yes, people bother way way less for second babies. Which was fine with me, I knew what to expect and was happy to chill and get on with it.

Is this really about visitors though? As PP said you've only been home a few days. I think it would be besides the point for your DH to buy you flowers but is he not the real issue here? Is he normally helpful, supportive, a good parent? Is your 2yo his?

Grumbley Tue 14-Jan-20 10:35:17

I think the issue is more with your DH's attitude, what an arse.

Congratulations flowers I hope that you and baby are both doing well.

MarthasGinYard Tue 14-Jan-20 10:37:34

So is this your 3rd?

Congratulations

I think perhaps people keep away to give you chance to recover perhaps. I said no to visitors for two weeks. Blissgrin

midnightmisssuki Tue 14-Jan-20 10:37:49

People bother less with second babies, in my opinion anyway. My brother just had his third and no one even knew! (Except for his close family).

sleepyhead Tue 14-Jan-20 10:38:07

Congratulations! Nobody does seem to bother with second or subsequent babies.

I was in hospital for 5 days when ds2 was a week old and no-one came near - I was bored out of my mind! Do contact friends and ask them round though.

Urkiddingright Tue 14-Jan-20 10:39:35

People aren’t as arsed about subsequent babies. I was overwhelmed with visitors after my first and also had a few after my second. Literally nobody came after third and fourth except our parents. Didn’t receive cards from anyone except immediate family for third and fourth as well.

Elbeagle Tue 14-Jan-20 10:42:06

People bothered just as much with my second and third babies as with my first! However many children you’ve got, surely people still want to meet their new family member?
However as you only came out of hospital on Sunday and it’s now Tuesday, I imagine people are giving you chance to settle in at home and rest. Have you invited anyone round?

BillHadersNewWife Tue 14-Jan-20 10:43:40

flowers Congratulations OP! I had the exact same thing! DD1 was hailed as the new Messiah whilst poor DD2 was ignored. I remember lying alone on the sofa, three days post c section completely alone as DH had to work and DD aged 3 was just destroying the room.

It was awful! It's MEAN of people. I can't forgive it. My Mum barely came and my sister came once.
Then when I manged to get DD to nursery...limping down the street with a pram and DD1, I was so upset when nobody in the playground came up to look.

I was new so people probably didn't realise I'd literally just given birth. Soldier on and try to treat yourself in some way.x

KC225 Tue 14-Jan-20 10:45:06

I think it's - Ohhh congratulations you've become a parent with the first one. I am certainly guilty of this. When I have heard that people have a second or third, it's a case of Ohhh that's nice but I've not made nearly the amount of effort as I assume they are old hands at it, busy and have everything. FIRST baby is the modern equivalent of birthday with a 'O'. Second baby is a normal birthday where verbose clicks balloons and on a FACEBOOK note.

Having said that your DH should be making an effort. Perhaps show this thread.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Tue 14-Jan-20 10:46:04

Does your DH understand that you've just had a major operation that involves cutting through your stomach muscles? Of course you need help!

Congratulations on your baby.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Tue 14-Jan-20 10:46:23

We had a 90% reduction in visitors for dc2 grin

vacayonmymind Tue 14-Jan-20 10:47:37

Congratulations.

Unfortunately third babies just aren’t that exciting. It sucks, but it is what it is unfortunately.

Your DH sounds like a loser though. Why is he angry at you?!

AngelsSins Tue 14-Jan-20 10:48:21

I have zero tolerance for men who thinking having a baby shouldn’t impact their lives at all, and they certainly shouldn’t have to do more. They’re fucking lazy, entitled and misogynistic, probably a bit thick too.

You need to ask him why exactly he thought having a baby would mean he wouldn’t have to do anything extra.

Highonpotandused Tue 14-Jan-20 10:49:05

Your DH sounds useless. That might be the base for all this. Is he like this all the time?

RedskyAtnight Tue 14-Jan-20 10:50:47

If you were my friend I would be giving you a bit of space to get settled back into home life before getting in touch (other than a congratulations text, or similar).

But yes, people do bother more with first babies.

Moomin8 Tue 14-Jan-20 10:52:53

Congratulations on your baby! I have a 4 week old and she’s my 4th baby. I have had very few cards this time. I got loads for my first baby. I think that’s just how it goes. Your dh should be looking after you though!!

JosefKeller Tue 14-Jan-20 10:57:19

Unless you ask people, no one should be rude enough to barge in on a mother with a newborn.

Have you told people you were ready for visits and anyone was welcome for a cuppa?

I had as many cards and gifts for all of mine, but people try to give you privacy until you ask them over.

I tend to drop ready meals to my friends with new babies, but don't even come in unless they have invited us before hand - not just on the day.

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