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thinking about divorce 1 month after the wedding...

(117 Posts)
whitestar13 Wed 11-Dec-19 12:54:38

I really need help and your opinions about this, am I being unreasonable of thinking of getting a divorce just 1 month after our wedding?
i will try to explain it shortly: I've just moved to an other country because of my husband (we are not the same nationality), I gave up my job in order to be toghether. We decided mutually that i would come to live with him because of the better ecnomic possibilities for both of us. I left behind friends and family, and a very sunny place to be toghether. I never questioned this decision as I knew that in the long run we would have a better life here. So i started to do everything in order to integrate myself better in this new placw, from January i will start language courses, to learn the local language, I joined the gym, the local library.... and I've been here less then two weeks now. What i am trying to say is that I am nt sitting at home in front of the telly, but I am going out, doing the shopping, cooking making order and rearranging the flat as my husband is not the best to keep things in order, to put it nicely....
My problem is this, since almost the first day that i arrived he has been pushing me to get a job... Don'tmisunderstand me, I intend to go back to work because staying at home makes me feel very depressed, but i haven't been able yet to close all my businesses in my country of origin... I still have to travel back and bring my stuff here ( I just arrived with one luggage), I have to translate most of my documents, I have to close my flat where I am still paying rent, etc. Not to mention that everybody says to me that if i don't speak the local language I won't be able to have a decent job, just manual work, and since I am university educated this doesn't seem like a good solution. You don't have to think that we are in extrem need of money, I have something saved up, and my husband is a dentist.... I don't evenknow how to say this, I am so sad, we just had a major arguement about this subject, I hoped that he would understand that i needed time to integrate and to finish things in my old country and start this intensive language course ( 3 times per week, 4 hours per day) before i will start to look for a job. We haven't even been to a honeymoon yet, I was asking him when he will want to go, because this is also something to know before i start to look for a job, but he is always very vague about it... in the meantime he is also pushing for us to have a baby, even though I told him i would prefer to wait for some month with it, until things settle down little bit and be less chaotic... I just feel like he wants everything now and on his own terms and doesn't care at all about my needs. Just like with the wedding; i wanted a small one, but we ended up having a big that I had to organise ....
So i just told him that i needed time until the end of Febuary, to finish wih everything (packing and transfering, with which by the way he is not helping at all) and also to start the language course in January ( i couldn't find one that starts sooner, obviously everybody is getting ready for Xmas now) so at least I will be able to write in my C:V that i am learning the language...
So my question is, am I unreasonable for saying tht i will start to look for a job after the end of Febuary? (and believe me, we are not starving, he is earning around 6-7000 euro per month).
So we just had a huge argument about it, where he gratiously agreed on 'giving me time', whereas I feel I shouldn't even ask for it... I got very angry and I told him I want a divorce, to which he replyed that ii's ok for him...
Just as a side note I have to tell, that I never asked anything from him, nor money, nor nothing, I paid for all my travelling (even when we wnt to visit his family) and the biggest present I got from him was a parfume....
Until now it was all ok for me, but this recent behaviour of him makes me very sad. I thought that marriage was about loving and sharing. I gave up everything for him and he can't accept that I need some time to get used of my new surroundings.... the lowest point was when I complained about the disorder he makes every time ( I have to pick up his clothes from the floor) and him saying that anyhow I live here and I am using HIS water... so what's the fuss about...
Any answer would be appreciated, I feel very sad and lonely...

ChampagneCommunist Wed 11-Dec-19 13:10:17

Did you know each other for long before the wedding?

It seems that a lot has been assumed on both sides, with no real conversations taking place before the marriage.

No, you are not unreasonable. But you need to talk to each other.

whitestar13 Wed 11-Dec-19 13:27:06

we have known each other for almost a year before the weeding. We deciede to get married because neither of us is very young (me 38, him 43)and we both want to have children. We come from a similar background (religious, education, etc)...Believe me this is the third time since I am here that I tried to talk about this with him, he will say things that he is not 'cheap' on me and he wants what is best for us... but then he comes out with phrases like the one with the water....

OoohTheStatsDontLie Wed 11-Dec-19 14:00:05

Yanbu to want a divorce

You do not communicate well as a couple - you've emigrated without discussing how and when you'll get a job. You're right without the language you will get a manual job eg cleaner, and wont be able to match his earnings. And it will take a good while to be able to speak it well enough to get a professional or technical job, I think February is very optimistic.

Other things that jump out at me from your post-
He seems like the type to financially abuse you. You're married - you share assets. Throwing your clothes on the floor because you 'let's your wife live with you in the country she moved to for you, is not an excuse to treat another person like shit. Fair enough you doing most of the chores if you're not working, but that doesnt mean creating more work for you or that he can't clean up after himself or gets to treat you like a slave. Even if you get a job I would expect that he will use the argument of earning more than you, to disrespect you.

He doesn't seem to take your opinion into account when making decisions at all.

How do you think having children would go? I think he would turn into a financially abusive bully who uses the fact he 'provides' for you to try and make you do everything he wants. He seems to think you belong to him and he gets to choose everything, rather than being equal partners who discuss and agree on decisions.

I really wouldn't have a baby with this man. I can see you being penniless and miserable and stuck in your new country for ever as you wont be able to take the child without his permission

FlashingLights101 Wed 11-Dec-19 14:00:52

Do you have family back in your home country you could stay with for a while? Perhaps you should suggest a break from each other to "think" and see if he changes the way he feels? He may reflect and realise he is being unreasonable.

Also, has he lived with anyone long term before? Could he just be set in his ways and not appreciate that marriage is about give and take and compromise, including clearing up after himself?

FlashingLights101 Wed 11-Dec-19 14:02:35

* just to add, I do not think that being set in his ways is an excuse to behave the way he is, which is obviously unacceptable. I just realised it sounded like I was minimising his behaviour when trying to find a reason for it...

Strangerthingshere Wed 11-Dec-19 14:05:43

I honestly wouldn't give up your flat and close all your businesses until you are 100% sure. Its sounds like you both have rushed into a bit and you definitely need to take some time

VeniVidiVoxi Wed 11-Dec-19 14:08:41

Put aside the razzmatazz of the wedding and think "if we were boyfriend/girlfriend what would I do?" because you do have to believe what he says and does, and it's not good.

Try and make time to talk properly and in detail about what your expectations are and how you see things working. It should be obvious quite quickly if you are thinking the same. If you need to end it then do. Don't feel like one mistake means you have to live with it (him) forever.

Crazybunnylady123 Wed 11-Dec-19 14:09:12

Sounds like you have made all the sacrifices here and he is already trying to push you into full time work and having a baby! Just wow!
There hasn’t been much communication here really has there.
He’s being really unfair, you have been there two weeks and starting your life over.
I’m thinking it’s all a bit much and you need to have a serious talk about what you both want. If your unhappy with his response - go home to your family and friends.

Zilla1 Wed 11-Dec-19 14:09:43

Sorry to hear that, OP.

It might not help but you could take an administrative approach of writing a project plan for your successful permanent relocation. Set out the duration for everything you've set out in your post, any inter-dependencies, what you'd need to do to get your best career started and what you'd need to get an interim job. I would be tempted to pad out the time a little, partly so he can't moan if there are delays and partly because of my second paragraph below. You should ask him to see any tasks or dependencies you've missed or got wrong but not for his approval as he's not your boss.

Regarding the other behaviour, his water, his untidiness and so on, I'd be tempted to start as you mean to go on and address it before you relocate so that if you both have a fundamental incompatibility then you can unwind your relocation more easily. For this reason, I'd pad the timings a little to see how reasonable or unreasonable he is going to be.

Good luck.

whitestar13 Wed 11-Dec-19 14:11:43

yes, I know, and was thinking the same thing. Even though I have university degree, my profession is not so well paid unfortunately as a dentist is... I would always be earning less... And yes, since these episodes I started to have second thought about having a baby

Singlenotsingle Wed 11-Dec-19 14:12:50

You've taken on an awful lot! You're trying to learn a new language, get acclamatised, look for a job and he wants a baby! Plus be Dobbie the house elf!

whitestar13 Wed 11-Dec-19 14:15:27

Yes of course, thanks Gd, i have, the problem is that by going back home i would so much disappoint everyone... Everybody was so happy, that finally at the age 38 I got married...

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Wed 11-Dec-19 14:20:02

I would be worried about about having a baby with him and ending up stuck in a foreign country unable to take your baby if you wanted to leave him in future.

I would cut my losses and return to my home country and get my job back there.

JorisBonson Wed 11-Dec-19 14:23:17

Please do not have a baby together.

onalongsabbatical Wed 11-Dec-19 14:24:24

whitestar13 this is your life, it's not about pleasing or not disappointing anyone else, it's about what's right for YOU. You sound really unhappy and to be honest it doesn't sound like it's going to get any better because he's showing you very little love, support and sympathy. If any in fact.

katy1213 Wed 11-Dec-19 14:26:21

Never mind making other people happy. It's your own happiness that's at stake. I'd think very carefully before dismantling a business you have built up back home. You have married in haste someone you barely know.

mencken Wed 11-Dec-19 14:32:34

a year is a very short time between meeting and marriage, as you are now discovering. it also seems you were pressured into it by those who think that an unmarried woman is worthless.

have a long hard think about this. And if you even want to have sex with this man...double contraception because pregnancy would be a disaster.

it looks like this was a mistake. It takes bravery to admit to a mistake but don't waste the rest of your life. Good luck.

Pollaidh Wed 11-Dec-19 14:39:32

Don't have a baby. Don't rely on him to use contraception, he might try to trick you. You look after the condoms, you keep your contraceptives on you. Go for a belt and braces approach (people can sabotage both). If you have a baby then you are going to be in a much worse situation, financially, socially, and possibly could end up having issues over being able to separate and take the child home.

Try to keep your financial independence, is there anyway you can keep the business going back home? I'm concerned if things fall apart you will be left with nothing. It makes no sense for you to go for a low paid job when you could use your degree, it is also setting you up to be financially dependent on him. If your relationship continues to be this bad, then I can see him getting full power over you, and you'll have no money, a menial job, stuck in a foreign country, possibly with a baby. It's a nightmare waiting to happen.

Pollaidh Wed 11-Dec-19 14:40:48

Forgot to say, you wouldn't be unreasonable to divorce after a month. He doesn't appear to be making an effort at all, and his treatment of you is pretty bad. Do what makes you happy, before your trapped in this marriage.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Wed 11-Dec-19 14:42:09

Yes, get out now.
Go back to where you had a life, businesses, income, friends, family and people who care about you.
I don't know what this man wants from you - how can he in one breath want you to get a job and then in the next say he wants a baby? How are you supposed to manage both of those things immediately, in a new country where you are trying to integrate and learn the language etc.?

He is unreasonable. He wants a houseslave who earns her own keep and provides him with children. It CAN be done, but god it's the hardest way to manage, especially if you're with someone who could provide for you but begrudges every penny and sounds like they could become financially abusive.

Don't bother - he is not who you thought he was, and he thinks he has you trapped - show him he's wrong and leave.

afterme Wed 11-Dec-19 14:48:55

So you didn’t live together before marrying? It sounds like there were some serious things you didn’t discuss or took for granted before marrying and they could turn into major issues.

If he wants you to have a child, where does that fit in with you working and earning money in a country where you don’t speak the language?

noego Wed 11-Dec-19 14:53:15

Go home love. The whole thing smells of coercion, control, manipulation.

hooded Wed 11-Dec-19 14:53:48

In so many situations we worry how things will look on the outside to others. But really, if you know deep down that it is best not to be with him your best chance is to really listen to yourself. Alternatively stay in this situation but absolutely do not have a baby with him. If he cannot help himself around the house, he will not help with the baby. For some women having a baby to look after can feel incredibly lonely and isolating. To be away from friends and family makes it more so.
If you can, speak to a counsellor, even on the phone. I personally don't know many women in happy marriages. People seem to just "get by". I don't know many happy mothers other than the ones who didn't like their careers and preferred staying in to going out.
Though it is very valid to just want a home life, and to be seen as married. It just might not make you happy. But being single might not either, hence the need to speak to a counsellor.

SawingForTeens Wed 11-Dec-19 14:56:13

the problem is that by going back home i would so much disappoint everyone...

Just NO NO and NO. Do not choose a lifetime of unhappiness over disappointing friends and family. If they love you, they want the best for you. Do what you need to do

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