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Is this cheating or not?

(110 Posts)
Mainsode21 Fri 18-Oct-19 14:00:01

Bit of background
Me and my boyfriend got together about 3 years ago we met through mutual friends and at the time I wasn’t really ready for a relationship but he pursued and I started to like him.
At first he helped look after my daughter ( from a previous relationship) while I worked and I wouldn’t give us a title ( boyfriend/ girlfriend) we went out like clubs/drinking and went to our mutual friends wedding.
After a few months I found out during this time he had got drunk and slept with a girl he had met a few times while me and him were in the talking stage.
I got angry and we didn’t speak for a few weeks but then I gave in and we started going out properly. I guess I started to see I had grown feelings as hurt he had slept with another woman while pursuing me.
I then found out he got another woman pregnant but this was months before I knew him so not really a problem.
Fast forward to now and we have one daughter together he’s a great partner and we have our nights out and time together. I can’t get that girl he slept with out of my head though. I think I was too forgiving.
I also found out he had done a few sexual things with another woman that I know of ( the mutual friends we have) but again this was before we were official.

Am I being stupid? Should I just forget these past hiccups and carry on?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 Fri 18-Oct-19 14:02:02

Have you actually had the "exclusive" conversation? Coz until you both agree to be exclusive, then you're not.

ThatMuppetShow Fri 18-Oct-19 14:03:17

I have never had an "exclusive" conversation in my life!
But when you are in the "talking stage" you are hardly in a relationship, you just were not together yet.

TheMustressMhor Fri 18-Oct-19 14:03:22

I then found out he got another woman pregnant but this was months before I knew him so not really a problem

It was a problem for the woman, though.

Does he see his child and pay maintenance?

Bluntness100 Fri 18-Oct-19 14:03:35

I think as you were very clear you didn't wish to be in a relationship with him you can't then demand he is faithful to you. That's really taking rhe piss.

BoomyBooms Fri 18-Oct-19 14:05:33

The other women were just casual sex while he pursued you. You weren't an official couple, so he (and you) were free to see others.

TheMustressMhor Fri 18-Oct-19 14:05:39

Why was he looking after your child when you hardly knew him?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 Fri 18-Oct-19 14:06:04

I have never had an "exclusive" conversation in my life!

That's fine if it works for you. Hell will freeze over before I (knowingly) share my lover with someone else though.

Mainsode21 Fri 18-Oct-19 14:06:09

He wanted to be in a relationship with me after seeing each other a few times, I said to see how it went.
So we were technically dating.
The night we slept together was the day after he told me he had slept with another woman a few weeks before.
I can’t get it out of my head now and feel so stupid I know I probably am being unreasonable.
He didn’t see his other daughter for the first year (while I was pregnant) as he said he couldn’t get his head around it. He now sees her at the weekends.

AryaStarkWolf Fri 18-Oct-19 14:06:41

I think as you were very clear you didn't wish to be in a relationship with him you can't then demand he is faithful to you. That's really taking rhe piss.

Pretty much. You wanted him hanging around waiting for you to decide whether you liked him enough to go out with him but for him to also not see anyone else while you decide if he's good enough for you?

TheMustressMhor Fri 18-Oct-19 14:06:50

I wouldn't call having a child with another woman a "hiccup", either, OP.

Mainsode21 Fri 18-Oct-19 14:08:09

Past hiccups were the two women he had encounters with. Not his child.

TheMustressMhor Fri 18-Oct-19 14:08:31

Does he pay maintenance for his daughter, now he's finally got his head around the idea?

I bet the girl's mother had to get her head round the fact that she was a single parent immediately.

Thetruth02 Fri 18-Oct-19 14:10:22

Sorry but if he slept while these women while he was basically your babysitter (which is bloody questionable in itself) I really don’t see what the issue is.

I’d be more concerned about him not bothering to see his child for a year. How old is he OP?

Mainsode21 Fri 18-Oct-19 14:11:19

I completely agree and everything is now sorted with his daughter. Me and the other mother didn’t get along and I had some frighteningly awful messages off her when word got around that I was pregnant.
She’s now apologised and all that is fine.
It’s just I keep thinking about the other women he slept with. He’s a lovely man and is a great partner. Think it might be my own insecurities and I’m worrying he will cheat
Behind my back for some reason.

MsVestibule Fri 18-Oct-19 14:12:24

He didn't see his daughter for the first year because he 'couldn't get his head round it'? FFS, that should give you the measure of the man you've had a child with, not the fact that he had drunken sex with a woman whilst you were still debating whether you actually wanted him or not.

Ponoka7 Fri 18-Oct-19 14:12:28

Any man who doesn't see his Child because 'he needs to get his head together' should be given a wide berth. But your a baby in with him now.

You wasn't exclusive when he went with that other woman, so it wasn't cheating.

You should have worked how you felt about it before having sex with him. That time has passed, so you should let it go.

Mainsode21 Fri 18-Oct-19 14:13:41

I worked nights full time when we first met, I was talking to him about it and not having anybody to look after my daughter (her dad had to go out of town) so I was stuck basically and I had to work my night shift. My now partner offered to have her and as he was a mutual friends relative I agreed and he came over and watched her while I worked. This just sort of happened a few times after as he wanted to help me out thst was it.

Ponoka7 Fri 18-Oct-19 14:14:12

"and I’m worrying he will cheat
Behind my back for some reason."

Are you thinking he's flakey? Is he showing any signs of cold feet etc?

midnightmisssuki Fri 18-Oct-19 14:15:02

Sorry YABU. You didn’t want to be exclusive yet you got angry he slept with someone else?

And - does he pay for his other child?

TheMustressMhor Fri 18-Oct-19 14:15:42

Why did you allow him to look after your child so early into the friendship?

That sounds very dodgy to me.

His waiting a year before seeing his child is also highly questionable.

I think he will be unfaithful to you at some point. Is marriage on the cards? If not, you're going to be in a difficult financial position if he leaves you.

Does he pay maintenance towards his child?

Mainsode21 Fri 18-Oct-19 14:16:05

No he’s not showing any signs, the sex has slowed down a little but that’s only because we both work and have 3 children amongst us now.
Think I’m just worn out and my heads a bit all over the place tbh.

Mainsode21 Fri 18-Oct-19 14:17:26

He acts like he absolutely adores me though, so I don’t know why I’ve got these thoughts in my head.
I just keep thinking about him sleeping with those other women and I don’t know why.

Ravingstarfish Fri 18-Oct-19 14:17:38

You’ve been together for 3 years and you’re pissed off because he slept with another woman when you specifically said you weren’t interested in a relationship?
If you’re not over it by now you need to seek some help

TheMustressMhor Fri 18-Oct-19 14:18:01

Oh my Godfathers.

You agreed to let an unknown, random man look after your child?

His only recommendation was that he was a mutual friend's relative.

That shows extremely poor judgement on your part.

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