To question My husbands behaviour below:(93 Posts)
I am really at the end of my tether. I love my Fiance to bits, but he is just absolutely draining the life out of me. I am so tired.
I work full time, I have 21 month old who goes to Nursery, he is currently off long term sick following his Dads death. So I am being extra sensitive at the moment , and I certainly haven't brought up any of these issues with him yet because I don't know how to , and I don't want to appear like I am being Harsh or judgmental. But basically I have noticed these things since we first got together , can anyone perhaps let me know if any of these symptoms point towards anything - this is the first time I have let any of this off my chest
-Constantly reminding him to do stuff that he said he would do the first time round - for a clear example, the old hoover has been sat in our hallway now for the last 2 weeks because He said he would fix it and sell it on, I have asked him around 10 times, now I just give up as it still isn't done.
-He does not remember important dates/ times – Another clear example, we were discussing what we would be doing for my birthday which is upcoming soon, and he told me very confidently that my birthday is the 20th August, when it is in fact the 19th August ( we have been together a few years - not a few months) ( He also has no clue of when his Mum and Dad's birthdays are, I have to remind him every year)
-He is not interested in keeping or being organised around the house, or for himself/
-he can have outbursts childlike behavior and become very hyperactive.
-He almost doesn't listen to what I say to I have to repeat myself in simple terms, a few times for you to remember.
-He doesn't clean up after himself unless I nag
-He speaks to me very confidently about things that he thinks we have genuinley spoken about or things that I have told him when we haven’t at all.
-He misses out major details in conversations or completely goes off subject to a different subject.
-Very Bad time management - eg , he was never on time for every date or meet up we had in the early years when we got together. The only reason he is ever on time now for anything is because of me.
-I constantly feel like I carry the household eg - cleaning/cooking/washing/tidying
-I constantly ensure that tasks are complete or done in the house or wherever we are
-Even when he completes a task, its not always 100% correct or done properly unless he is 100% focused on it, or unless it would benefit him in the end.
-He can make outbursts to people without thinking and offend them - for example, he always tells his brother how fat he is and that he should diet.
-Sometimes he will never give me a straight answer, he will start off giving me what he thinks is the answer to my question, but then completely goes off subject and ends up giving me a completely different answer.
-He is very gentle , very caring affectionate and loving towards me, his family and our son
-He rarely gets angry and he has a very laid-back disposition
-Work seems to be a constant struggle for him at the moment,. Ever since I have known him he is always being picked up on things ( he is a customer service manager for a team )
-he says things to me for example; he thinks a certain way about something, when in reality it isn’t that way at all, its almost like he is living in a dream world/his own land/makes stuff up , because it sounds right to him in his head]
- always talks before he thinks.
-I feel like I cannot rely on him , he forgets to brush my sons teeth in the AM before Nursery. I have to now be late for work to ensure my sons teeth are brushed.
-He Gets lost in video games/card playing – very focused on those particular things.
I just really am unsure of what these things are , or whether they are even anything ? It's starting to really take its toll and become quite unattractive I guess.
I love him so much and worried that if I ever said anything he would get very upset by it.
Fiance not Husband. force of habit
This isn't going to be helpful but I've got a diagnosis for you: a lot of these appear to be symptoms of 'being a man'.
Well, it sounds to me like he really doesn't care about other people and their requirements or needs. Some of the examples you've mentioned might not really be a big deal. Others are. Cumulatively, they're annoying. He's disorganised and lazy.
It could easily be the result of a particular condition. Or it could just be that he's lazy. I don't know. But if these things are a problem for you, you need to address them so that he can decide whether he's willing to put more effort in or not and you can then decide if this is a relationship you can cope with for the rest of your life.
It sounds like you would like him to have a diagnosis but some people are just lazy, disorganised and rude. I appreciate that death is hard but being signed off long term for your dads death when you're part of a partnership supporting a household and child is strange. Is he still getting paid? Sometimes being off work can cause people to lose structure to their day and they become a little lost. Could he return to his old job?
Much agree to both of your responses - Thank you! I guess I am just exhausted :/
Incidentally, the fact that he has these problems at work too make me think it might be more about overall issues (too often we hear on here about MN who can't do a single thing at home but somehow miraculously are able to hold down jobs and do them well outside of the home) - but he should want to fix those too. Otherwise he's not going to b e financially reliable either.
He sounds about 11. If he is not interested in recognising or changing these things then this will be your life forever if you stay
Sorry, he's selfish. Some of it could be related to his dad's death, but if he was like this before he's … selfish.
Get rid of the vacuum cleaner (if you need money for it sell it for parts). But... I think you need to evaluate what you get out of this relationship. Why do you love him? Why are you with him?
What would you tell your DC in the future if they told you this is how their partner behaved?
Why is he on extended sick leave because his father died ? I know death affects people in different ways, but most adults can grieve and also continue to function as a partner / father without needing long-term leave.
He sounds lazy and unreliable. The fact that he only seems able to focus when he is gaming, would be a big red flag to me. You're going to end up supporting the entire family while he flounders around, achieving very little.
He is a perfectly normal man, he’s not a woman, we are nothing like each other.
My lovely husband is pretty similar but he is a good man with a heart of gold and I wouldn’t change him for the world.
Lots of sexist reaponses. Lots of men aren't like that. Unfortunately yours is so you have to make a choice, either you accept him for who he is or you leave. You coukd try an ultimatum but you have to be prepared to follow it through.
I wouldn't have stayed if he was late for every date its not a great start to a relationship and to me indicates someone who is selfish.
I know you haven't said this but the chances are you have enabled his behaviour by doing all the household tasks, remembering birthdays etc. Now he doesnt have to.
I have a teenager with ADHD who is just the same. It affects memory and organisational skills in particular. You say he is hyperactive? Adults can have it too you know, and extra stress makes symptoms worse. It's not a terrible thing, but it helps to understand it and help with organising, keeping lists, writing stuff down etc.
You say he's off work sick following his dad's death? Is he depressed? That can lead to a lack of motivation to do anything, plus brain fog.
OR - was he like this before? In which case he's a lazy selfish arse, and you can either leave him, or put him straight.
If, as Rosejasmine suggests, your DH actually has some kind of ADHD or similar condition, then sure, solutions can be found. But he has to be willing to find them and work on them. And that is the bit that won't be clear unless you talk to him.
Some of what you descirbe is like my dd whi has a diagnosis of adhd and dyslexia.
Well, it sounds to me like he really doesn't care about other people and their requirements or needs.
Didn't pick this up at all from what was described about him. He does sound caring but seems to lack the skills to retain important information such as dates. The op also said this about him He is very gentle , very caring affectionate and loving towards me, his family and our son
Sounds like alot of men and also maybe he has Attention Deficit Disorder? Start making a list of things he needs to complete maybe?
Me originally: "Well, it sounds to me like he really doesn't care about other people and their requirements or needs.
Dulra: Didn't pick this up at all from what was described about him. He does sound caring but seems to lack the skills to retain important information such as dates.
I take the "doesn't care" from the fact that he doesn't seem bothered by all the things he isn't doing. Which is why I keep banging on about how if he does have ADHD or some other condition, he still needs to WANT to manage it better. And nothing OP has said has suggested he's in the slightest bit bothered about all the things he forgets, doesn't do or doesn't bother with....
I forgot to pick up DH's medication the other day. I was apologetic. That's how normal people react when they don't do things they'd said they'd do....
Sorry OP but you may not be suited for each other. Did you get together fairly young, and have you “grown up” when he hasn’t? It sounds like he’s still stuck in being half a teenager. You’ve been cast in the mummy role, doing the looking after him, and your child (his child too?) and the thinking for him too. Has he actually ever lived completely on his own, been responsible for his own life admin (and not in the sharing student accommodation where anything goes kind of way)? He might be a good man but he sounds very unappealing.
It’s not wrong to question the relationship, and to work out what you want and what you’d walk away from. What does he bring to the relationship? You say you still love him but he’s draining the life out of you. You need to talk with him and see if it’s possible to sort this otherwise he WILL drain the life out of you, and the love you still feel will die over time. However he may not be capable of change either, from your description I feel he is not.
He does sound caring but seems to lack the skills to retain important information such as dates
No - a person who CARES, cares enough to use - you know - a diary. It's not that hard. He doesn't care enough to give himself a reminder, & sounds like a lazy selfish manchild who relies on his fiance to get him through the basic requirements of life.
Sorry OP - but I find it hard to reconcile "I love my Fiance to bits," with
"but he is just absolutely draining the life out of me. I am so tired."
He is not going to change, so unless you are comfortable with spending the next X decades on an exhausting mission to remind him to tie his own shoelaces ...? Only you can decide whether he's worth that much effort, disappointment & heartache.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Get started »
Please login first.