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My brother had rang hmrc on his ex

(121 Posts)
bhbb Tue 05-Mar-19 14:23:37

I've nc and this is going to be long but I don't want to drip feed.

My brother met his ex in 2012. For the first year she was great. We got along really well.

DB already had a dd from a previous relationship. She had no kids. She got on ok with dd (my niece). I hoped their relationship would grow as I knew the ex hadn't been around kids before.

Fast forward to a year later, she's pregnant. They have a son. The ex isn't happy where she and db live and she wants to be closer to her parents. Db agrees even though he is moving 45 mins away from his daughter.

At this time, db comes into some money. She insists all the money is spent on new things for the house. Db lives in the house for a total of 2 months and she kicks him out. All the bills are also in dbs name. He also took a couple of things out on finance for the house.

Db comes and stays at mine. He tells me everything that's gone on.

- The ex through things at Db in front of my niece. My niece got so scared she ran out of the house and Db had to chase her. This was when she was pregnant and she blamed her hormones. She through a pan of water over his head. My niece has spoken to me about these incidents since and confirmed they were true. She was scared stiff of the ex. I had no idea. My poor niece.

- she trapped his arm in the door when he was trying to say bye to his son. He took photos of his arm and it was badly bruised.

- db found messages on the ex's phone to a friend slagging off his daughter (she was only 9 here). The messages were disgusting. Saying how she wished she could ship dd away or get her kidnapped.

- she has also been messaging other men behind his back.

Db carried on staying at mine. The ex completely blocked him on everything and she refused to let db see his son.

Eventually contact resumed. The ex worked part time claiming single parent benefits. But also started working in a pub cash in hand 4 nights a week. From 4pm to midnight she would get £100 cash.

Db met someone else, she really is lovely and I'm happy to say they are married now with an baby of their own. Never seen him happier and more settled. His wife accepts dbs children as her own and they are a lovely family.

Db sees his soon regularly and has always paid maintenance and extra. PLUS the finance for the house he hardly lived in.

Things between Db and the ex have got bad over the last few months.

She ended one relationship and moved straight onto the next. This was 4 months ago. He has now moved in permanently. His kids have been introduced to ds. Db has massive concerns. Ds (my nephew) is struggling. His behaviour is terrible and he is getting in trouble at school. He is one mixed up little boy.

Db bends over backwards for ds. The ex is constantly changing drop off and collection times. Everything she asks for, db just does it. It winds me up! She takes advantage of him and his wife.

Db and his wife even cancelled a new year trip to London because the ex decided she no longer wanted ds for new year and was going to leave him at someone's house she hardly knew so she could go out! Ds is passed from person to person while in her care.

A couple of weeks ago, she sent a message to db saying she was reducing contact and he would no longer be coming for half of the time he usually does. This is not good for my nephew!! He needs his daddy. Now more than ever.

So Db went straight to a mediator and has his first appointment next week. I'm glad he is finally doing something as ds would be much better off with my db.

Anyway last night he received a horrible message from the ex slagging off his wife and baby. He saw red and this morning has rang the benefit fraud number and had told them what she's been doing for the last 4 years. She is refusing to pay for mediation also.

Me and db are very close. He came to mine in tears. He feels guilty about what he's done and what affect it might have on ds. But the ex is really pushing his buttons. I should point out here that the ex has never struggled financially. She went on 2 holidays abroad last year. Lives in a lovely house. Just got a brand new car. She's well and truly taken advantage of the benefit system. Db would have never of done it if she was struggling.

I'm sorry this is long but I don't know what to say to db. He's a mess. His wife is supporting him but she advised him not to ring hmrc - he's done it anyway.

So that it. Should he feel bad? I don't know. I just hate seeing him this way. All just such a mess. Im babysitting my niece and nephew tonight so they can go and have sometime together and to take his mind off things.

Ellisandra Tue 05-Mar-19 14:32:03

Well, I think that going to see a solicitor for advice and building evidence for a request to the court to be the resident parent (or the very least increasing and stabilising contact) would have been a much better way to manage his frustration over the treatment of his son.

If she’s breaking rules, there’s no moral issue regarding reporting her.

I would suggest that he seeks counselling support for victims of domestic abuse. I’d also expect him to look at why he decided to move 45 minutes away from one child, and take so long to start the legal process to stabilise access with another. Maybe that was related to the abuse, but maybe there are other factors - he should think about those.

But re the reporting? Pfffft. Don’t waste time worrying about it.

AgentJohnson Tue 05-Mar-19 14:35:08

So three children by three different women. He should have gone to court and sorted contact before having yet another child.

bhbb Tue 05-Mar-19 14:36:29

@Ellisandra He honestly doesn't know. He kept up the contact with his daughter. She used to go every weekend and he did all the journeys as obviously not fair on her mum too. He gets on really well with dds mum still. Has a close relationship with dd.

It was all just about what she wanted. It wasn't easy to tell at the time though from my point of view. I thought he was happy. But just before he met the ex, we lost our cousin to suicide. They were unbelievably close and he has never sought counselling for that either. I just feel he's falling apart.

He's so worried now he's made the call.

bhbb Tue 05-Mar-19 14:39:44

@AgentJohnson contact was never an issue then. It was set in place. It's only now the new boyfriend has come in that she stoping it.

DD's mum and db are still friends. Db's wife is very good friends with her and she even came to their wedding. So no issue with dd. Never needed any sort of court order and they have always remained friends.

As for their baby, db got married! Of course they wanted a baby of their own. Like I say, I've never seen him happier with his wife. I don't judge him at all.

headinhands Tue 05-Mar-19 14:40:20

I don't see the moral connection between his ex slagging off his dp and working cash in hand. He was angry and lashed out at what he could. He actually sounds very childish.

bhbb Tue 05-Mar-19 14:42:57

@headinhands I don't think he's childish. I can see why it comes across like that. He's just fed up of her calling all the shots when he does his best for ds and she can barely look after him anyway. He obviously holds a lot of anger towards her - I never realised she was violent towards him or how she made dd feel. I wish he would of opened up to me back then so I could of helped him but he said he was just to embarrassed

GummyGoddess Tue 05-Mar-19 14:44:39

She's unpleasant and committing fraud, I don't see the issue? Perhaps he should not have done it in anger but I can't get too worked up about it.

SummerInSun Tue 05-Mar-19 14:45:35

Personally I have no problem with him ringing HMRC - there is only limited money to support people who need it. Those who cheat are, in effect, causing there to be less to go around for those who don't cheat and really do need the support. Maybe he wishes now he hadn't done it, but what's done is done and I'd forget about it.

Focus on the real issue, which seems to be that he should either be applying to be the resident parent of DS, or at least getting more court ordered regular and consistent contact. Is he still scared of his Ex?

Skittlesss Tue 05-Mar-19 14:45:52

He needs to seek legal advice and get a formal arrangement in place for contact.

It also sounds like he needs to grow up and realise this is about the children and not him or his ex.

LIZS Tue 05-Mar-19 14:48:52

What's your aibu? Not your call. He will have to face any comeback, but either she has claimed fraudulently or not. Agree your dbro does not demonstrate a good track record here and he needs to take some responsibility.

bhbb Tue 05-Mar-19 14:49:41

@Skittlesss Like I say he's going to mediation - she is refusing. So he will take her to court. Ds is his prioritiy as his his wife. His wife recently had a cancer scare and the message form the ex was 'shame it wasn't cancer'.

He's just regretting the call now. But she is a nasty piece of work.

Mrsfs Tue 05-Mar-19 14:49:54

He doesn't sound childish at all, it sounds as though he has been ground down so much by this woman that he snapped.

It is done now, no point worrying but just get him to focus on the children and having access granted through the courts.

bhbb Tue 05-Mar-19 14:51:22

@SummerInSun I really don't know if he's scared of her. She's definitely still got so much control over him still and she enjoys having it.

Chloemol Tue 05-Mar-19 14:52:49

Good for him. I would also suggest he now needs to seek full time custody of his child

bhbb Tue 05-Mar-19 14:54:27

@Mrsfs that's exactly it. There's so much more she's done to him but I'd be here all day writing. He's been a victim of abuse. I just didn't know.

He actually threw up in the toilet when he was here. His anxiety is through the roof.

MadameDD Tue 05-Mar-19 14:55:26

I feel he's done the right thing reporting her though I'd love to hear his ex's side of the story.

PiebaldHamster Tue 05-Mar-19 14:55:27

He needs to focus on contact with his son rather than his ex and her finances. 3 kids with 3 different women? He's a baby daddy.

Fuzzyheadache Tue 05-Mar-19 15:00:35

She isn’t just dodging tax for the cash in hand job, she is taking the extra in tax credits (likely).
If we actually got rid of all those who dodge the rules and people only took what they were untitled to, we would have a far better nhs Services, police on the streets . . I could go on.
I say one down! These people are always at the front of the queue demanding what they are entitled to

But as others have said, perhaps he shouldn’t have done it in anger!

bhbb Tue 05-Mar-19 15:00:35

@MadameDD I really don't think there is one. I've obviously known her from the start. They were only together 2 years. The first year they were happy. It was when she fell pregnant and wanted to move away it all went down hill.

I can even say that Db still works with the ex's dad and he is even on db's side. Her dad hasn't seen ds for months as he said he couldn't baby sit one night. He has been visiting ds when db has him - if that makes sense. It says something that her own father is on my brothers side!

HeckyPeck Tue 05-Mar-19 15:01:38

His ex sounds like a complete and utter bitch.

I wouldn’t lose a wink of sleep over reporting her. I hope they come down hard on her if she is committing benefit fraud!

I hope the legal side of things go well. It sounds like DS would be better off living with him.

Missingstreetlife Tue 05-Mar-19 15:02:06

So that's a sign how cross he is. Don't let him confess. He needs to take her on and get the dc at least 50/50 or be resident parent.

CaMePlaitPas Tue 05-Mar-19 15:03:53

OP, I can understand the concern you have for the children involved and your brother and his well being, but the bottom line is he's old enough to look after himself. Support him from afar, this is his mess, you are far too involved.

KurriKurri Tue 05-Mar-19 15:05:00

If she is committing fraud then there's no problem reporting her - the fact he did it in aner doesn;t really matter - she's either quilty or she's not. I she is then she shouldn;t be claiming and depriving people who actual need them and are entitled to them.

It's good he's taking her to court over contact, if there is no good reason why she has arbitrarily decided to cut his contact then she won't be able to. If she has been committing fraud, he may get greater contact or full PR - I'm not sure hwo that would affect anything.

Just picking up on the nasty message sent by the X. How did she know your brother's wife had a cancer scare ? Who gave her this information? If he is telling her stuff about their private life, given her character as you have described it, then she is likely to throw it back at him. He shouldn't be sharing anything about his family at all. She will only use it against him in some way.

He needs to break from her in all was except the contact he has to have regarding thier child. Get contact set up by court with no room for her to mess around. As long as he lets her manipulate him through the child, then she will.

WinnieFosterTether Tue 05-Mar-19 15:06:18

tbh I think calling HMRC isn't the issue. He shouldn't have done it imo because it will contribute to the breakdown of the relationship and potentially adversely affect his DS. It was selfish, petty and points to him having poor impulse control.
However, the much bigger issue is why he hasn't formalised contact with his DS. His ex doesn't need to attend mediation. She is entitled to refuse.
His DS is also likely to be upset by your brother's new family. He has had a lot of upset in his young life and your DB is partly responsible for it. It's good that he's finally stepping up to formalise his relationship and contact with his DS.

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