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AIBU?

To ask if I’ll ever stop loving him?

104 replies

AuroraAdoreHer · 23/02/2019 15:09

Please be gentle on me. I have NC for this.

I’m married with 2 children. Last year I met a man at work and developed strong feelings of attraction towards him. It brought into sharp focus that I’m very unhappy in my marriage. DH and I had relationship counselling but have decided to split up.

My friend from work (also married with children), no longer works at my company but we have remained close friends and chat often.

He’s a very good person who prioritises his family although he seems unhappy in his relationship. He’s happy to give up his own happiness for the sake of his family.

Nothing physical has ever happened between us but I think we’re both attracted to each other.

As our time apart has increased I hoped I would forget about how I feel about him. Instead the feelings have evolved into something deeper and I believe that I love him.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. All I know is that I miss him constantly, I love him dearly and really miss him.

What do I do going forwards? Be his friend and stay in his life in case his circumstances ever change? Will this love and longing ever go away?

Has this ever happened to you and did you have a happy ending?

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

Report

Fiveredbricks · 23/02/2019 15:11

You don't love him. Google Limerance. Get a hobby that isnt ruminating on him.

AuroraAdoreHer · 23/02/2019 15:16

I know all about limerence. How can you tell that what I feel isn’t love but limerence instead? Genuine question. I have spent hours upon hours talking to him. I know him pretty well. If it’s not love then it’s a precursor to love.

I have a busy full life. I don’t think about him all the time but my heart aches when I do.

OP posts:

AuroraAdoreHer · 24/02/2019 07:04

Can anyone help me with this please?

OP posts:

Monty27 · 24/02/2019 07:09

It's a crush

AuroraAdoreHer · 24/02/2019 07:12

Why is it a crush and not the feeling you get before falling in love with someone?

OP posts:

sheldonstwin · 24/02/2019 07:13

It's a way of coping/a distraction with a life that feels unhappy for you right now.

MmaMakutsi · 24/02/2019 07:14

Of course nobody can help you with this. Nobody can tell you how to feel. You feel what you feel.
You don't 'love' this man because you've never been together in a romantic setting to discover one another and actually fall in love. So it's a crush and you will get over it.
Find something to keep you busy. Try to meet new people. Let this man get on with his life. If his relationship breaks down let it be nothing to do with you and then - only then - if he wants you he can come and find you.

JenniferJareau · 24/02/2019 07:15

Yes you will stop loving him but you have to go no contact and concentrate on your new single life and your children.

He is married and not free for you to pursue a relationship with.

Forgotmycoat · 24/02/2019 07:17

Hi op. Sorry to hear you're going through this distress. Whatever you feel, whether it's love or something else, it hurts. I do think you should stop contact with him because this is now an emotional affair with a married man. Secondly it stops you from potentially having a meaningful relationship with another partner. It is stopping you from moving on emotionally so you can never be available to someone else romantically.

I have been in a similar situation to you, where I fell for someone married at work. Very similar to you in that i was unhappily married, we have since separated, and my feelings for this man would constantly plague me. I know the feelings of anguish you describe only too well. What helped was to go see a hypnotherapist who in the first session gave me a recording to listen to every day which helped to free me from those intense feelings. It affects a deeper change over time as it works on the subconscious. Something like this might work for you also.

I can feel your pain in your posts and it is utterly awful. But you will get over him.

Sending you hugs and strength x

Bowchicawowow · 24/02/2019 07:19

Leave him alone for god’s sake. He is married.

Seniorschoolmum · 24/02/2019 07:23

You don’t love him. You haven’t spent enough time with him, you only know what he tells you. You haven’t seen him in his home environment with his wife and children.
He isn’t much of a man if he carries on an emotional affair behind his wife’s back.
For everyone’s benefit, cut contact and find something new to do.

Beachbooty · 24/02/2019 07:41

Cut contact. Date a man who isn’t married. Could part of the attraction be that he is unavailable? We always want what we can’t have after all....

Graphista · 24/02/2019 07:50

It's in all likelihood a crush/limerance because you DON'T really know him the way you know someone in a relationship you're only talking to him. You're not seeing him grumpy first thing in the morning or having to wash his dirty kecks!

Grow up!

And LEAVE HIM ALONE!

You've no business messing with his head and neither has he messing with yours.

Tell him this EMOTIONAL affair is over block him everywhere and forget about him.

aintnothinbutagstring · 24/02/2019 07:53

How do you know he's unhappy, even if so, having full access to his children may bring him happiness. As much as people are advised not to stay in an unhappy marriage for the DC, many men do as they can't bear not to be with their DC fulltime. Does he feel the same about you as you do him? Or are you just a potential affair partner? You know more women than men instigate separation and divorce, I think men prefer to have the best of both worlds than to make a clean break

AuroraAdoreHer · 24/02/2019 16:49

Thanks everyone.

I know that I'm not in a sexual relationship with him but, to put it crudely, I don't think you need to put PIV to know it's love. You're right, I haven't seen him first thing in the morning or on the loo! But I have been in some very stressful situations with him because of the nature of our job. I have met his family.

I think he's happy enough but he told me that he's never been in love, which, for a married man makes me presume that not all is well. He told me this as a friend.

I think he would do everything to keep his family together and will totally sacrifice his own happiness. If he feels the same way about me then he'll compartmentalise me, push me to the back of his mind and, like the good person that he is, concentrate on his family.

But we are friends. We meet up. My heart aches for him. I miss him more than I should be missing a friend. I can't bear going NC with him just yet. I see what you're saying, it's stopping me from meeting someone else. I haven't felt this connected to someone in over 20 years - I may never feel this way again. What a mess.

OP posts:

AuroraAdoreHer · 24/02/2019 16:51

Graphista, I'm not sure it is an emotional affair. We haven't told each other that we're attracted to each other. We're very close but there is no 'evidence' of anything, more just a look in each other's eyes.

OP posts:

AuroraAdoreHer · 24/02/2019 16:52

Beachbooty I don't think it's a case of wanting what I can't have. I'm 100% sure I would want him just as much if we were both single.

OP posts:

Mummadeeze · 24/02/2019 17:40

The thing is, you have said he is a real family man and a good person and would not turn his back on them so you have your answer. And you probably like and admire those qualities in him so you must be very confused. I think the only thing you can do is to cool off the friendship and start dating other people to take your mind off him. He is not the only man in this country who you will be attracted to. Just stay in touch in a casual way as an acquaintance on Facebook or something if you have to but I wouldn’t keep meeting up etc or you will never get over him.

AuroraAdoreHer · 24/02/2019 18:06

Mummadeeze you're right. He would never leave in a million years. His goodness, his loyalty and his integrity are all part of what I love about him.

I suppose I was thinking that if I stayed in touch with him then at least I would get an element of emotional fulfilment from him. And a ridiculous, hopeful part of me is wondering whether his circumstances might change - his wife might leave him (unlikely), they might split up due to constant arguing about something. I don't know. I just want a little bit of hope.

It's so difficult to remember that he's not the only guy in the world who I could love.

OP posts:

sonjadog · 24/02/2019 18:41

The love and longing will not go away as long as you want more and you are staying in touch with him. For the feelings to go away, either you take a complete break from him for a while, or you actually have to 100% want to move on from loving him. As it is, you have no chance of getting over him.

Graphista · 24/02/2019 18:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Bowchicawowow · 24/02/2019 21:48

Don’t be so fucking selfish.

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Gina2012 · 24/02/2019 21:58

I suppose I was thinking that if I stayed in touch with him then at least I would get an element of emotional fulfilment from him. And a ridiculous, hopeful part of me is wondering whether his circumstances might change - his wife might leave him (unlikely), they might split up due to constant arguing about something. I don't know. I just want a little bit of hope.

So it is an EA. And he is complicit in this EA

And you are waiting and hoping for his marriage to end so that you can get together with him and break his children's hearts.

For your own perceived needs to be met

Neither he nor you are good people

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 24/02/2019 22:14

You are getting a really hard time here OP. I feel for you, I've been there and it fucking hurts.

The trouble is, this is not going to get better. As hard as it is, you have to cut contact and grieve - because you can't have him, he is married and has No intention of changing it. So for all the 'highs' you might be feeling, the lows are just going to get worse and worse. Save yourself from the pain and hurt now. Even if he cheated I don't expect you'd want a man like that.

In the unlikely event he ends up divorcing his wife because he realises he loves you, that's different, but don't waste your best years waiting for it to happen when the most likely result is bitterness and regret down the line.

Sparklesocks · 24/02/2019 22:16

Have you posted about this before? Reads as familiar.
You don’t know how he feels about you. He’s never said he has feelings for you, that’s just a vibe you think you’ve read - you might be projecting.
Either way he is married and so are you. You need to be an adult and move on. Keep reminding yourself nothing will ever happen, he loves his wife -not you. Don’t sit and daydream about him, don’t spend time with him and don’t post on threads about him. If you find yourself thinking about him do something else.
Maybe it’s not so much about him as it is a distraction from yourself not being happy in your own marriage.

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