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AIBU parents threatening to go NC if I don’t “lend” them money

(100 Posts)
Mortgages Sat 12-Jan-19 08:51:03

Need some advice and name changes for this

My parents who are first generation migrants to the UK want to start a business in their country of origin and want me to lend them the money to start that business to the tune of around 20000. It’s not entirely enough to cover the whole cost but what is needed to start off but what would essentially be a franchise.

My parents have never been good with money.... rent arrears, been declared bankrupt for other reasons, owe me from previous money which is now a ‘gift’ to them in the tune of thousands btw as well as my elder brother. The amount owed includes paying off other debts they have accrued including rent arrears for a property they primarily lived in but struggled to pay rent whereas I was living and working over 100 miles away. My brother and I have just written off all these amounts as money we are helping are parents with as they are our parents and we don’t necessarily want, need or expect it back. We currently help them with amounts here and there to prop them up.

Said parents though always manage to travel to home country once sometimes twice a year for often at least a month. They are close to retirement age with sketchy retirement fund plans except two properties in home country and what they would get from pension here so see this “business” as an opportunity to retire in home country.

They want me to lend them the money with stipulation that when they sell one of their properties I would get this money back. I’m not entirely sure if the worth of this property nor have I seen the paperwork to confirm that and any financial arrangement. I think they are just hoping I take their word for it. They realise for me to do this I would have to remortgage as I have savings elsewhere that will be needed for other things imminently.

I don’t want to remortgage and am anxious about implications of this but parents have become quite nasty such as threatening no contact because I don’t want to help them.

They have generally been controlling and manipulative to me over the years which has affected previous friendships/relationships and shaped the person I am today. I thank them for supporting me to be in the high profession I am today (which I am constantly reminded of) and has included some financial contribution from them. They paid for me to attend a private tuition college for 6 months (£4000) when I was 18 to improve my Alevels and get the university course they wanted me to. I did not go to private school however and they have never really “paid” for my education prior to that as such which is fine. I’m constantly reminded of this amount 18 years later.

I’m now really unsure how to handle this matter. Sorry it’s long but of course don’t want to drip feed.


Chocolatecake12 Sat 12-Jan-19 08:55:09

Don’t do it. You know from previous experience that you won’t get the money back.
Have they also asked your brother for a similar amount?
Threatening to go nc is just blackmailing you. Would they really go nc? Sounds to me like they need you too much as a financial crutch to cut you off.

BiscuitDrama Sat 12-Jan-19 08:55:22

Why don’t they remortgage themselves?

I’d probably try and come up with a reason why I couldn’t remortgage. Say house prices have dropped or something. There isn’t anything else you could use, like you’ve moved job recently?

InMyBloodstainedSundaysBest Sat 12-Jan-19 08:56:50

Don't lend them anything more. They've already proven they can't manage money. Why throw good after bad.

Their decision if they want to go NC but it's terrible of them to try to emotionally blackmail you into giving them yet more money.

NailsNeedDoing Sat 12-Jan-19 08:57:09

It's incredibly selfish of them to expect you to remortgage for this, but if they won't take a simple no for an answer, can you tell them that you have looked into it and you couldn't afford the higher mortgage payments or something? Mortgages are a lot harder and more expensive to get than they used to be, and maybe if you appeared to them that you're supportive of their idea but that it's just not possible for you to lend that extra money they would be slightly less unreasonable in their stance.

StatisticallyChallenged Sat 12-Jan-19 08:57:25

They're your parents, supporting your education is what they're supposed to do. By the sounds of it they've had way more than their 4k back.

If you don't want to say "no, I don't want to" can you say the remortgage isn't possible for whatever reason?

No way would I give them 20k

Guineapiglet345 Sat 12-Jan-19 08:58:04

Sounds like a win/win to me, you don’t “lend” them any money and they go no contact grin

pantyclaws Sat 12-Jan-19 08:58:25

Tbh it sounds like going NC might be best for you anyway.

Unless you can easily afford it without remortgaging then it's a definite no.

If they were struggling to put food on the table etc obviously I think it's good to help family. But £20k on a business when they're historically unreliable people is a bad idea.

Jackshouse Sat 12-Jan-19 08:58:29

Tell them you can’t afford it. If they choose to go NC then that tells you what they really think of them.

GottenGottenGotten Sat 12-Jan-19 08:58:58

What would you lose if they were no longer in your life?

They are basically blackmailing you.

My answer would be 'sorry, I don't have the money'. They can decide their cost if action from there - but be clear, if they go nc, it is their choice, and says much about how they feel about you.

If they want to go nc because you don't lend them money that you don't have, that speaks volumes about them.

ENormaSnob Sat 12-Jan-19 09:05:30

Id be happy to go nc.

Cheeky scrounging twats.

WellThisIsShit Sat 12-Jan-19 09:05:51

If you can’t bear to say no to them, tell them you’ve been refused a remortgage arrangement by the bank, as your credit isn’t good enough / the computer has decided you can’t pay it back?

‘Computer said no’ is a complete sentence... (I say somewhat tongue in cheek as the normal mumsnet phrasing is ‘no is a complete sentence!).

My father was rubbish with money too by the way, and my mother always shined her virtuous halo saying how wonderful she was compared, but now I realise she was as bad as he just in different ways. It’s a constant strain to live under.

Auramigraine Sat 12-Jan-19 09:08:12

So they want you to gamble your home by remortgaging to use your money incase it doesn’t work out you are the one left in debt rather than them?

I think they have done you a massive favour and if my parent I would be happy to take the NC route. Don’t do it OP.

Mayra1367 Sat 12-Jan-19 09:13:07

Please say no . I don’t believe they will follow through with their threat. They sound like they need you too much as a source of cash to go non contact. As oththave said as parents it is our role / responsibility to help with your education. Don’t feel guilty.

LIZS Sat 12-Jan-19 09:13:12

Unless you can afford to lose 20k don't. It probably won't be enough, chances are it is a poor risk and they may well be out of touch with the way things work back in their country after all this time.

Angrybird345 Sat 12-Jan-19 09:14:36

Don’t do it!!

Inertia Sat 12-Jan-19 09:14:55

Remortgaging to throw away 20k would be insanity. You don’t have the money. Why can’t they sell one of their properties to fund the business?

I would tell them that all you can do to help them is to write off the money you have already lent- you’ll never see that again anyway. And if they go NC, what have you lost apart from demands, threats, manipulation and control?

Singlebutmarried Sat 12-Jan-19 09:16:05

I wouldn’t lend them anymore.

How much have you already written off?

If they have properties then they need to leverage one of those to start this franchise.

Whatsnewpussyhat Sat 12-Jan-19 09:20:20

They have more than one property. If they want the money they can sell one now.

They have no intention of paying you back and you know it.

Cauliflowersqueeze Sat 12-Jan-19 09:20:46

And it’s a “nope” from me

Aridane Sat 12-Jan-19 09:21:48

How upsetting

brick15 Sat 12-Jan-19 09:21:49

Don’t remortgage for their sake, you’ve more than done enough. Given their historic misuse of money too you’re throwing good money after bad.

I give monthly to my parents and sometimes they winge and ask for more. Or text 🙄 and ask for more. I just ignore ignore ignore, don’t even acknowledge their windging - I can only give what I can afford - end of.

Missingstreetlife Sat 12-Jan-19 09:22:57

Buy the property or a share of it. Get a survey and valuation first.
Or just say no

LakieLady Sat 12-Jan-19 09:24:57

Don't do it! It all sounds very vague, franchises can be very iffy, they have a poor track record with money so their financial acument is dubious and the last time you lent them money it ended up being a gift. Actually, you could ask to see their business plan, and explain that you want to carry out a full due diligence exercise to make sure any investment you make won't be at risk. That might be enough to get your message across without actually having to say no.

If you feel that an out and out refusal would result in them going nc and you don't want that, make up whatever "reason" you need to get out of it: eg you've already got the maximum ltv on your mortgage, you need to maximise your capital because you plan to move, use it to pay school fees/do home improvements/start your own business, are too uneasy about the impact of Brexit on house prices/job security/interest rates - there must be a shedload of possible reasons.

I also think they're cheeky fuckers coming cap in hand to you when they still "owe" you from the last time you lent them money. I wonder if they're from a culture where there is an expectation that children will support parents in their old age?

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sat 12-Jan-19 09:25:13

If the business is a great idea the bank will give them a Loan. Say no.

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