AIBU parents threatening to go NC if I don’t “lend” them money

[Mortgages]

Need some advice and name changes for this

My parents who are first generation migrants to the UK want to start a business in their country of origin and want me to lend them the money to start that business to the tune of around 20000. It’s not entirely enough to cover the whole cost but what is needed to start off but what would essentially be a franchise.

My parents have never been good with money.... rent arrears, been declared bankrupt for other reasons, owe me from previous money which is now a ‘gift’ to them in the tune of thousands btw as well as my elder brother. The amount owed includes paying off other debts they have accrued including rent arrears for a property they primarily lived in but struggled to pay rent whereas I was living and working over 100 miles away. My brother and I have just written off all these amounts as money we are helping are parents with as they are our parents and we don’t necessarily want, need or expect it back. We currently help them with amounts here and there to prop them up.

Said parents though always manage to travel to home country once sometimes twice a year for often at least a month. They are close to retirement age with sketchy retirement fund plans except two properties in home country and what they would get from pension here so see this “business” as an opportunity to retire in home country.

They want me to lend them the money with stipulation that when they sell one of their properties I would get this money back. I’m not entirely sure if the worth of this property nor have I seen the paperwork to confirm that and any financial arrangement. I think they are just hoping I take their word for it. They realise for me to do this I would have to remortgage as I have savings elsewhere that will be needed for other things imminently.

I don’t want to remortgage and am anxious about implications of this but parents have become quite nasty such as threatening no contact because I don’t want to help them.

They have generally been controlling and manipulative to me over the years which has affected previous friendships/relationships and shaped the person I am today. I thank them for supporting me to be in the high profession I am today (which I am constantly reminded of) and has included some financial contribution from them. They paid for me to attend a private tuition college for 6 months (£4000) when I was 18 to improve my Alevels and get the university course they wanted me to. I did not go to private school however and they have never really “paid” for my education prior to that as such which is fine. I’m constantly reminded of this amount 18 years later.

I’m now really unsure how to handle this matter. Sorry it’s long but of course don’t want to drip feed.

TIA

[Mix56]

tell them NO, YOU CAN'T AFFORD IT.
Add up all the money you have lent them, tell them none of it has ever been refunded. You are unable to continue as they have already bled you dry.
If they sulk & go NC, so be it

[WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit]

Nope. You're "not in a position to remortgage right now," or whatever excuse.

You need to start saying no now, or when this business goes under like the others and they are stuck with health bills and care needs and no pension, no income and two useless properties in another country - then you are really going to chose between getting tough or giving them money. So save this £20K - not that you have it - because they might be in 'more' need of it later.

[DontCallMeCharlotte]

Tell them you won't even consider it unless they provide you with a comprehensive business plan as if they were applying yo a bank.

Then don't consider it.

(Tell them to sell one of the properties now)

[TooSassy]

No.

Go nc, get counselling to support you. You’ll be surprised how little you actually miss from parents who act in this way. It’s disgusting behaviour on their part.

[Yulebealrite]

Good idea to blame the bank.

[JohnMcCainsDeathStare]

Win-Win - they don't seem like people you want or need in your life - genetic links don't automatically equate to the best people in your life. They are saving you the trouble for free!

[ResistanceIsNecessary]

Don't do it.

They are threatening NC if you don't do it. What happens when they decide they don't want to pay you back - and threaten NC if you don't agree?

Them paying for private tuition for you is not comparable; they're your parents - supporting their children educationally is what they are supposed to do! Besides you've mentioned previous money you've lent which has now been declared a gift. My guess is that the £4k they spent on tuition has been comfortably exceeded by these "money gifts".

Tell them no. Send them a letter (or an email). Explain that they are your parents and you love them, but that you are upset and disappointed that they are trying to emotionally blackmail you into lending them money that you cannot afford to do. That you won't be lending them the money and if they decide to cut you off as a result then so be it.

[Singlenotsingle]

It's the parents' job to support and nurture their children, the next generation, not the other way round. They are sucking the life out of you and your brother. Let them go nc if they want to. CFs

[R0binh0]

Hell no. They think they are entitled to your money and have no intention of paying you back.

They don't get to dip into your earnings as a reward for pretty basic parenting.

[NotStayingIn]

I'm so sorry you are going through this, it sounds like they really are being highly unfair to you.

I agree with other people, do not do this. It is incredibly unlikely this business venture will succeed and they will just need more money again further down the line.

Also if you remortgage to get the £20k it's going to cost you more then £20k once you add up the interest you will be paying on this.

[SaturdayNext]

Surely the money they've already had from you more than covers what they spent on your education? And anyway having children means taking the responsibility for educating them, you don't expect to be paid back. Frankly, if your parents go no contact it sounds like the best outcome all round.

[Bluesmartiesarebest]

Don’t do it unless you can afford to lose £20,000 (which you can’t). If you are not brave enough to say a direct no, just say the bank won’t lend you any more money.

I’d suggest spending a lot less money on getting some counselling and reading the book toxic parents to help you see how badly your parents are behaving.

[AnguaUberwaldIronfoundersson]

Jesus. This screams no all over it.

They have options other than you. They can get a loan themselves based on their business idea (but I imagine the bank won’t agree to this given their history) or they can sell a property seeing as they have more than one. There are probably other things they can do to fund this business venture but they won’t because they know that they can come to you cap in hand and you’ll bail them out.

Please don’t do it. It won’t stop at £20k. As the business fails (most likely due to their terrible history with money) they’ll demand more and more from you.

Why would you sink your money into his and cause yourself financial hardship when they have the option to sell a property? Why would you worry about what decision you will make when they threaten you?

Going NC is HARD. I’ve done it and, luckily for me, I came out the other end a few years later with parents I speak to who know that I will not put up with their shit and who toe the line I have drawn.

Like I said. It won’t end at £20k for you or your brother. Nip this in the bud now.

I doubt they’d go NC anyway as you’re to valuable to them from a cash point POV

[Billben]

Remortgage your own house 😱😱Oh good Lord, don’t do it. If they would NC over this then they are really better out of your life anyway.

[MissingGeorgeMichael]

"Sorry you feel that way but I am not lending you the money. If you choose to not contact me again then that is up to you but once you close that door, it will never open again. I have for many years helped you out but you are now blackmailing me into giving you money and that is not what loving parents do. I suggest you think very carefully about your next course of action."

[AWishForWingsThatWork]

Just calmly tell them you'd be sad, but if going no contact is what they want, then you'll accept their decision. But no, you're not giving them any more money.

Because you know fine well that's what it would be: giving. You will never, ever see it again.

[DerelictWreck]

why would you get yourself into debt and lose money (let's be honest, you're not getting it back) for parents who have become quite nasty such as threatening no contact?

[minionsrule]

Are your parents Indian OP? I only ask as my DH is Indian and i know its coomon in a lot of Asian countries to ensure your child gets the best education you can afford so they can secure good employment....... so they can look after you and fund your old age (including medical bills). Its entirely selfish imo and makes me quite sad that the education part is used as guilt bribery when your dc are adults

[puguin86]

Let them go NC

You will never get your money back you know this

Just say no

Or say the bank won't allow the remortgage

They sound awful btw

[ChristmasFlary]

Honestly?? If you give them anymore money then quite frankly you deserve to loose it!!

You say they are rubbish with money but actually so are you to keep giving it to them.

As previous poster said, they won't go NC as you are funding their lifestyle.

Next time they remind you of your education, remind THEM how much you have given in return.

[CoraPirbright]

If you can’t bear to say no to them, tell them you’ve been refused a remortgage arrangement by the bank, as your credit isn’t good enough / the computer has decided you can’t pay it back?

Excellent idea from Wellthisisshit

Also, I would be tempted to tot up everything you have ‘lent’ them over the years and see how it compares to this bloody £4K that they keep harping on about. Might give you (them?) a little clarity.

[MaudebeGonne]

No, and they are being selfish and unfair to put you in this position. I would suggest that you and your brother get together and tell them together that neither of you are in a position to finance their latest scheme. I suspect that they will try and play you off each other to get what they want. It will also be easier to say no if you have some back up.

[Pachyderm1]

You should only give this money on the understanding that you will never get it back. If you can’t afford to lose it all, or you aren’t willing to, then don’t give it. Ignore their threats and manipulation - they won’t go NC when they will still want to tap you for more money in future.

[SharedLife]

Guineapiglet345

Sounds like a win/win to me, you don’t “lend” them any money and they go no contact

I agree!

[ScrommidgeClaryAndSpunt]

How this sort of silly entitled nonsense should be dealt with:

OP's parents: "Lend us money or we will NEVER TALK TO YOU AGAIN!"

OP: "lol k bye"

Appreciate that real life is not this simple, but really that's the response the parents deserve.