AIBU parents threatening to go NC if I don’t “lend” them money

[Mortgages]

Need some advice and name changes for this

My parents who are first generation migrants to the UK want to start a business in their country of origin and want me to lend them the money to start that business to the tune of around 20000. It’s not entirely enough to cover the whole cost but what is needed to start off but what would essentially be a franchise.

My parents have never been good with money.... rent arrears, been declared bankrupt for other reasons, owe me from previous money which is now a ‘gift’ to them in the tune of thousands btw as well as my elder brother. The amount owed includes paying off other debts they have accrued including rent arrears for a property they primarily lived in but struggled to pay rent whereas I was living and working over 100 miles away. My brother and I have just written off all these amounts as money we are helping are parents with as they are our parents and we don’t necessarily want, need or expect it back. We currently help them with amounts here and there to prop them up.

Said parents though always manage to travel to home country once sometimes twice a year for often at least a month. They are close to retirement age with sketchy retirement fund plans except two properties in home country and what they would get from pension here so see this “business” as an opportunity to retire in home country.

They want me to lend them the money with stipulation that when they sell one of their properties I would get this money back. I’m not entirely sure if the worth of this property nor have I seen the paperwork to confirm that and any financial arrangement. I think they are just hoping I take their word for it. They realise for me to do this I would have to remortgage as I have savings elsewhere that will be needed for other things imminently.

I don’t want to remortgage and am anxious about implications of this but parents have become quite nasty such as threatening no contact because I don’t want to help them.

They have generally been controlling and manipulative to me over the years which has affected previous friendships/relationships and shaped the person I am today. I thank them for supporting me to be in the high profession I am today (which I am constantly reminded of) and has included some financial contribution from them. They paid for me to attend a private tuition college for 6 months (£4000) when I was 18 to improve my Alevels and get the university course they wanted me to. I did not go to private school however and they have never really “paid” for my education prior to that as such which is fine. I’m constantly reminded of this amount 18 years later.

I’m now really unsure how to handle this matter. Sorry it’s long but of course don’t want to drip feed.

TIA

[Juells]

You know the answer to this already, but you're wavering because of guilt and emotional blackmail. If you lend it to them you know the franchise will turn out to be a scam, you'll lose the money - which you've borrowed, so you'll be paying it back for years.

As pp have said, shift the blame to the bank, do a lot of crying and drama about how upset you are that you can't help them.

[Returnofthesmileybar]

Not a hope!

When they say they'll go no contact keep it simple "It's pretty shocking you are emotionally blackmailing me so that I get into debt for you. If you feel you want to go nc that's your choice but I will not be loaning you any money. Frankly your attitude made than decision very easy. This is not up for discussion"

[waywardfruit]

No. No no no. If they have property, then let them sell that and use the proceeds to fund their new scheme.

Don't lend them anything unless you are totally prepared to never get it back again.

[Xenadog]

OP, this isn’t even a question. Don’t lend them a penny more and let them go no contact. What have you really lost? Your parents seem incredibly toxic and I imagine financial security is worth more to you than having these people in your life. I’m sorry these people are your parents but you really do not owe them a thing.

[TopicalUseOnly]

This is appalling behaviour from your parents. IMO anyone who threatens to go NC unless they get money is not someone who should be allowed in your life.

So they supported you when you were growing up and helped you get educated?

This is the BARE MINIMUM involved in parenting! When you choose to have a kid, you take on that responsibility. You don't keep a tally of everything you spend in the expectation that the kid will have to pay you back later with interest because you bought them a Polly Pocket doll when they were 6. You help your kids as much as you can until they reach an age to be independent, because you chose to bring them into this world and you love them. Not because they're a long-term savings plan.

Even if you 'lent' them this money, you wouldn't really be helping them - they would just fritter it away like they have done before. So say no with a clear conscience and blame the bank if you need to and save your money for their inevitable bankrupt old age, when at least you can ensure it's spent wisely on their care .

[Santaclarita]

So go nc then. You don't lose out either way.

[haverhill]

How cruel of them to blackmail you like this. It's actually shocking.
I know it's terribly hard, but NC might be better for you in the long run anyway. Just refuse the money and see what they do.

[teainthemorning]

Take a step back Mortgages and ask yourself who will lose the most from NC.
Please believe me, your dp have everything to lose and you will lose nothing.
Think this one through..... older parents go no contact with child; they will lose out on an entire future family life, while you will go on to live yours free of guilt and emotional blackmail.
Trust me, if they do go nc it won't be for long.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Quick answer: No.

If they decide to go NC, that will be more their loss than yours by the sound of it!

[inlectorecumbit]

You do realise that they won't go no contact don't you?
They have been "Borrowing" smaller amounts for years. They are not going to cut off their noses to spite their faces-- they need their cash cow.....
Don't lend the money

[Oldraver]

Surely they can sell either of their houses to release the 20k.

Sounds like you have more than paid back the 4k they spent.

[HostessTrolley]

If you have the money, I’d be tempted to give them the £4K an say very explicitly that you are repaying the money spent on your education as having it held over you for 18 years is getting tiresome now, but that you will not be remortgaging your home.

[Atthebottomofthegarden]

No. Tell them to sell one of their properties to fund it. As PP said, you’ll have given them way more than £4k back over the years. In fact I bet you don’t want to add it up.

I assume they’ve also asked your brother, best touch base with him too to let him know your decision. If they’ve not tapped him yet, they will as soon as they’re sure your no means no.

[Veganforlife]

Say the bank won't lend it you..say the bank says no....I think you are better off without them.

[thegreylady]

As a parent of quite well off dc and sdc I would NEVER ask them for money unless I was in dire need.

[DartmoorDoughnut]

Tell them because of Brexit you can’t help. Hopefully that will soften the blow somewhat and they won’t be so forceful in their monetary demands.

However if they push it just go with the old classic “No”

[HouseworkIsASin10]

Why do you want contact with these people?

They are a poor excuse for parents, I would gladly cut ties.

[Slightlycoddled]

Speaking as someone whose late in-laws required continual financial support from their DC (one of whom also now requires support), and someone with experience of family businesses, I would say DO NOT DO THIS.

1. Remortgaging would put your own financial security in doubt and the attendant uncertainties (especially with the unknowns of Brexit approaching) makes this too much of a risk.

1. They should not have asked you for this large amount. Nor should they be emotionally blackmailing you.

1. Don't be tempted in to thinking that this will end with this "last" request. It won't.

1. Never let family obligation cloud good business judgement. If you weren't related to them, would you think of them as a good business investment given their previous form? No? So don't do it!

You are allowed to say no op. Stay strong

[C8H10N4O2]

Well you know you won't get the money back so it boils down to do you want to give them a 20k gift, with likely future requests for more money when the business fails?

Plus as pp say - they won't cut off their cash source in a hurry.

Has anyone pointed you to the Stately Homes threads yet?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2562518-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-survivors-of-dysfunctional-and-toxic-families

I think this is the latest thread in the sequence:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/off_the_beaten_track/3459883-Stately-Homes-Mid-Winter-Annex

There is a lot of good advice on those threads for a range of "types" of stately home parents.

[Wordthe]

I agree the perfect win-win situation is don't lend them the money and let them go no contact
You get to keep your 20 grand and you get to drop these assholes
What's not to like?

[Wordthe]

They won't go no contact
it is a bluff
they are doing this to give you the impression that you need them more than they need you

best option is to refuse to lend them the money and threaten to go no contact with them if they keep on harassing you

[Serialweightwatcher]

It's okay being thankful for the education you got, but it seems they intended you to be their bank so it benefits them too - if they love you so little that they would ignore you when their bribery doesn't work, I'd call their bluff and keep your money because you won't see it again if they get hold of it

[Wordthe]

If you make the choice to be a parent then it is your duty to do the best you can for your child so that they have the opportunity to lead a fulfilling and meaningful life for themselves

Your parents have given you a good education not because they want you to have a fulfilling and meaningful life but because they want you to work for them and provide for them
they consider you to be an asset which they control

[viques]

They won't go no contact with you (well they might for a few weeks or months just to teach you a lesson!) because in their mindset going non contact with their financial source is like tearing up £50 notes. Like the terminator they will be back, and with an extra arrow in their quiver "Remember when you wouldn't help us and you wouldn't speak to us."

Yes, OP them going NC over finances will be your fault. EMotional blackmail is horrible at the best of times, between parents and their child it is sickening. You will need to arm yourself against their manipulative ways or you will face ruin as they try to drain you dry financially and emotionally.

[Knittedfairies]

No, no, no.