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AIBU?

14 year old and parties

77 replies

geoffbunn123 · 07/12/2018 18:32

I am a single mum and just got asked one of the dreaded questions.
" Mum can I talk to you about a party?" by my 14 year old son.

Of course I am oh please no, when your 16 we can talk about it but.............

He could not have talked to me about it and arranged another story of staying at a friends because..........
If I know, I can pick him up and friends and make sure they all get back home safe.
I did it.
Its in a village, in a nice house with friends I like.
I will not be supplying alcohol, though he tells me they have a plan to buy something between them.
Being invited is HUGE for him.

Any considered advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

Report

StoorieHoose · 07/12/2018 18:34

I was drinking round the back of a primary school and telling my mum I was staying with a friend. He spoke to you and was honest only you know if you can trust him

Greensleeves · 07/12/2018 18:37

I sympathise, ds2 is 14 and just starting to push the envelope about parties and staying out as well. He did go to a Halloween party for the first time this year, but had to be home by 9.30 (which he thought was pretty mean) and we had to know the address and contact details of the parent of the child holding the party (which he thought was unreasonable and humiliating). He assures me that all the other kids are blithely out until 11, never told when to go to bed, other people's parents don't ask awkward questions about alcohol etc.

Will be watching your thread with interest.

anniehm · 07/12/2018 19:16

I was dropping off my dd by that age, just give them good advice at home and ensure they can call you if they are worried about the path the party is taking without consequences. Dd1 didn't go to many as has asd, so was a big thing for her at 15, but kids were drinking and smoking pot so she called me - I know she had been drinking it we praised her for asking to be collected when she saw the drugs.

OhioOhioOhio · 07/12/2018 19:22

Mine are very young so dont really know but i like the code word idea.

Saltandsauce · 07/12/2018 19:23

My son is 14, and went to his first party with alcohol a few weeks ago. He spoke to me about it, told me where it was, said he wanted to take a couple of cans of kopperberg cider (the small ones). I said he could, but wasn’t allowed any spirits and to be home by 10.30. He came home on time and told me everything that happened. He only drank one can, and tried another drink, but was nowhere near drunk.

I was impressed that he a) told me/asked me about it b) didn’t drink as much as his friends and c) was home on time.

At 14 I was getting drunk in fields and staying at my friends, so I’m delighted that he’s not behaving like that and surprised by how responsible he was.
I think you should feel the same and be chuffed that he can talk to you xx

mama17 · 07/12/2018 20:00

He's being honest, set some rules and a time to be home. If he doesn't stick to it then don't allow him to go next time.

Skyejuly · 07/12/2018 20:05

I wouldn't let my 14yr old ds drink !

EmUntitled · 07/12/2018 20:18

He sounds trustworthy and mature. He told you the truth. It is in a friends house and you know where he is.

14 year olds will go to parties and drink. This sounds like best way for this to happen. I would let him go.

crimsonlake · 08/12/2018 09:45

He is 14 years old? I would not knowingly allow my 14 year old to be drinking alcohol.

Lucyquack · 08/12/2018 11:05

Dd who is now 16 started going to house parties at 14. I didn’t know there was alcohol there but she now tells me everyone would have a strongbow or two. I’d allow him to go and send the message home that you don’t condone him drinking alcohol aside from what you may give him at a meal or something. He’ll do it anyway but from what I’ve seen with dd’s friends, the parents who are liberal with it end up with a child having to sleep next to the toilet so they can be sick throughout the night.

DexyMidnight · 08/12/2018 11:32

There is NO POINT telling 14 year olds they can't drink. You are much better buying him three ciders. If you say 'no alcohol' i assure you he'll drink anyway and unfortunately he might share someone's vodka and end up puking.

TheQueef · 08/12/2018 11:37

It sounds like you have a really nice relationship with DS.

I would provide his alcohol on condition that he only drinks what you provide, let's you pick him up and you get to check the party rules with the adults. He will get pissed at a party sooner or later.
Remind him if he gets in a tangle someone will video it.

Lucyquack · 08/12/2018 11:40

dexymidnight from what I hear from my daughter the people who have alcohol provided for them drink that as well as whatever else they can get their hands on

BigusBumus · 08/12/2018 11:55

My 2 DSs were going to parties at 14. Like Saltandsauce said they like to take a couple of cans with them, Koppaberg or Fosters (small cans). They are lower alcohol than others, as is Carlsberg.

There is no way to stop a 14 year old drinking and if you forbid it, you will end up with a very drunk teen at some point.

My boys and I have always talked about "how" to drink. For example at 14 they had no idea that a pint of lager was not the same as a pint of vodka, and if you think about it why would they know the difference unless they had been told. So I told them that at 14 they had to steer clear of spirits, as only a very small amount (a shot) would affect them quickly. Better to slowly sip a can of lager and make it last. Plus no one can see how much (or little) you've drunk from a can.

Don't be the forbidding unapproachable mum. Be the guiding, teaching, supportive mum that's not a Fun Mum but a responsible parent. Accept that they will drink whether you like it or not and teach them to do it safely.

Youmadorwhat · 08/12/2018 12:13

At that age no for the drink (unless it’s in my company) we usually allow teens in our family a drink or two max (cider or beer or low %wine) at our family get togethers. This tactic quickly gets rid of any novelty effect drink has 😜
I would be ok with the party I suppose if it was at a house of ppl I know etc I would arrange a pick up time though, something that pleases you both.

AlaskanOilBaron · 08/12/2018 12:15

Gosh. 14 seems terribly young. No way.

Skyejuly · 08/12/2018 12:51

I struggle to believe people think 14 is OK for alcohol

Youmadorwhat · 08/12/2018 13:47

@Skyejuly I have to agree I think letting your child out of your eyeline with drink involved is a tricky one. We were brought up somewhat like the French in that a drink (two max) with dinner at family occasions was as far as we went (although more from age 15+

However Mumsnet does surprise me with these things 14 drinking with friends and at 16 years old allowed to spent nights alone with boyfriends 🙄

KeepServingTheDrinks · 08/12/2018 14:07

I think you need to think carefully about what your anxieties are and talk about them with your child.

EG, if you're going to set a time limit (home by 10, say) why is that? Is it because your child needs the sleep, or is it because your'e worried about their journey home?
Try and make sure you're clear in your own mind what you're worried about and then you can have the discussion with your kid.

BigusBumus · 08/12/2018 17:18

Skyjuly - I don't think anyone believes that its OK for kids to drink at 14. I certainly didn't want mine to. But they are in the popular, sporty crowd at school and get invited to A LOT of parties. I am not naïve to think they wouldn't drink. (I did at that age given the chance). Its more damage limitation really. Teaching them to be safe.

WhiffofSnell · 08/12/2018 17:27

they are in the popular, sporty crowd at school and get invited to A LOT of parties

So why don't the parents of the popular sporty kids either not allow alcohol or, if this would mean a dull party, just not have parties.

They are 14 FFS - adults should let them be kids rather than trying to be cool mum and dad.

grumiosmum · 08/12/2018 17:46

OP, you have to be realistic and make sure you keep communications channels open.

I would allow mine to bring a couple of small cans of beer (I always check the alcohol content).

Make sure he eats just before he goes, even if you are told there will be food there. Pizza is good!

Yes to you picking up from the party.

Also talk to him about social media safety. This is the age at which kids film stupid stuff on their phones & then send it to each other or put it online.

Also talk about drugs. 14 is a nit young for that, but the sooner you start discussing it openly the better.

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grumiosmum · 08/12/2018 17:47

bit not nit!

Lovingbenidorm · 08/12/2018 17:51

I’m really amazed that so many people think it’s ok for a 14yo to be drinking at parties!
We’ve always offered dc a drink at home on special occasions (a Buck’s Fizz at Christmas etc) but they could not be less interested.
16yo dd is going to a party tonight and I’m not too naive to think that someone won’t sneak in some form of alcohol.
We’ve discussed it and she knows that we’d be ok if she had a small lager or something and she knows I will pick her up anywhere any time.
Why is it ok to give your 14yo alcohol to take to a party?!

grumiosmum · 08/12/2018 17:56

Don't be the forbidding unapproachable mum. Be the guiding, teaching, supportive mum that's not a Fun Mum but a responsible parent. Accept that they will drink whether you like it or not and teach them to do it safely.

This ^

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