To feel upset that my closest friend hasn't been in touch since I told her my sister is going to die *possible trigger*

[Floottoot]

Just that, really.

My sister was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer out of the blue in August. She started chemo, seemed to be doing ok and then things suddenly started to go wrong and at the beginning of this week, we were told that there was nothing more that could be done for her. She was moved from hospital to her home yesterday, by ambulance, to spend what little time she has left at home. She is unable to eat and they have stopped feeding her, so it's only a matter of time now.
As a family, we are completely heartbroken, not least because she loves in a different part of the country to me, my mum and my other siblings and she doesn't feel she wants to see us before she does (she's already very weak and bed-bound, and she doesn't want us to see her like that).

I messaged my closest friend what was happening as soon as I found out. She didn't really say much (I get it - it's not easy to know what to say), but she hasn't been in touch at all since. Not a word. Nothing.
We've been best friends for years, talk all the time on messenger, see each other regularly (she lives less than 15 minutes from me) etc, so it is not normal behaviour from her.
Other friends have messaged, if only to let me know they're thinking of me.

At such a bloody awful time, it seems ridiculous that I'm dwelling on whether someone's messaged me or not...but I am. I've found myself feeling more and more angry as the days have gone and still no word from her. I've always done my best to be there for her, as I have for all my friends, always celebrated her family's highs and tried to help her though the lows, so I just feel hurt by her silence.

I'm being unreasonable, aren't I?

[Mountainsided]

No YANBU, she should be making the effort. Even though she doesn’t know what to say, she needs to work it’s out. I’m very sorry about your sister. Maybe her seeing you would make it more real in your sisters eyes?
Could you travel up nearby and let her know, so you’re there if she changes her mind so you can see her? Does she have someone looking after her at home? A friend/partner?

[waterandlemonjuice]

I’m so sorry about your sister. Yanbu at all.

[comedycentral]

I'm so sorry about your sister, I can't imagine. Thinking of you and your family

[Harrykanesrightsock]

I am so sorry, i lost my sister a few years ago and know how difficult it is.
I also lost a couple of close friends at the time, I didn't hear from either of them in the 8 months of my sisters illness, not a word. I just had to accept they weren't the friends i thought they were. I was difficult and it felt like a double blow really.

I think some people are just emotional takers and when it comes down to being there for others they just really can't be arsed.

[ElizavetaBathory]

Seeing this in the most generous light, she might be trying to give you and your family privacy and time.

If you want her support directly, tell her - I completely get that you are disappointed she hasn't stepped up, and you're well within your rights to feel that way, but if you sent her a text saying 'I need you, I need a hug', I bet she'd come running.

[Octopus37]

YANBU at all, your friend should be saying and doing everything she can, even if its merely sending supportive text messages, which may be all she can do. We all know there are no words in this sort of situation, but I'm so sorry, I am here for your, I am thinking about you and I am here for you go some way. Thinking of you and your family, I'm so very sorry (flowers)

[Itsnotmesothere]

YANBU. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. In my experience, it's very common for people you think you are close to, to do nothing in difficult situations. To say it's upsetting is an enormous understatement.

Perhaps she is having difficulty processing the information and will get back to you soon.

I suppose you have to decide whether she is showing you her "true colours" and whether you're ok with her being a fair weather friend and if you're not: ditching the friendship.

[Autumnchill]

My thoughts are with you as I'm going through the the same thing at the moment with my Mum. She's 69, cancer has come back and she can't eat anything other than fluids so is sat at home waiting to die however my friends have been fantastic but I do think it's difficult for people to know what to say or do but sometimes just a 'how you doing today?' would be enough.

And I think @Harrykanesrightsock has it, some people are just takers and simply can't give.

[Nousernameforme]

Yanbu at all it's a shit situation and I am so sorry you and your family are going through this your poor sister.

I am crap when stuff like this happens i never know what to say worry I will make them feel worse etc. Maybe your friend is like that and doesn't want to intrude on your grief.
Perhaps let her know what you need from her at this time.

[LtJudyHopps]

I’m sorry for what you and your family are going through.

You’re not unreasonable. I would be hurt too, but sometimes you just don’t know what to say. She probably doesn’t want to impose on your and your family and hopefully she would be there if you called her up needing a chat about it.

[PinkysEars]

I can't imagine how you're all feeling and I'm so sorry you're having to face this.

I think that death brings out the best (sometimes in very unexpected people) and the worst (sadly sometimes in those we thought we were closest to).

I think sometimes people dance around the edges of not knowing what to say, but it can also be true that people lack empathy or are just plain selfish. Often the people who are the most supportive are those who have experienced bereavement themselves.

You are categorically not being unreasonable in wanting and needing support from your friend.

[SpottingTheZebras]

I’m so sorry to hear about your sister. I think that even if your friend was trying to give you space to spend your time and thoughts with your sister, s/he should still have reached out with a text or two to say they are thinking of you and there for you when you need them.

I think your close friend is not actually a close friend at all. It’s just awful that you have to find out this way.

[Floottoot]

My sister seems to be quite sure she doesn't want to see people. She didn't tell us she has been diagnosed for several weeks after she found out, and I'm fairly sure she hasn't told anyone but family.
Her husband is looking after her at home, with a care plan and support in place. I'm able to speak to him regularly and I did message my sister to tell her how much I love her and that I'm thinking of her always.

My friend knows that she's my closest sibling, and I told her how heartbroken I am, but she hasn't contacted me since. I can even see that she's been online, posted on her FB page etc frequently this week, but not said a word to me.
It hurts. I don't know how I'll respond if/when she finally breaks her silence.

[Bobbiepin]

No you aren't being unreasonable but don't waste this time on her. Is your sister sure about you not going up? Could it be a defense mechanism and actually you should spend this time with her. I'm so sorry for what you're going though

[BackforGood]

I'm not going to say YABU, as you are grieving and part of that is anger, which has to be directed somewhere, however unreasonable that is. However, I would expect at such a time, with so short a time with your sister left, that you would be wanting to focus on her, and together as a family. I personally would not intrude in to that. Potentially she thinks the same way that I do - that this is a time for family and privacy and she is respecting that.

[JustDanceAddict]

Sorry to hear about your sister.
When family tragedy happens you find out who your ‘real’ friends are. It’s a cliche but it’s true. Plus some people are just not good in a ‘crisis’.
If you want to salvage the friendship I’d be very explicit about what you want from her in this terrible time. Say ‘can you come over with wine/choc/ etc’ If she doesn’t respond then you know where you stand.

[Floottoot]

Autumnchill, I'm so, so sorry you are facing the same situation with your mum. It is just awful. I hope when the time comes, your mum slips away peacefully and you're able to be with her.xx

[Autumnchill]

Thank you. I wish the same for you and your family. We sat and watched a Doris Day film this afternoon, something we use to do as kids on a Saturday afternoon. It was lovely

[OohAahBird]

Sadly some people just really can't handle terrible situations, we were in a car accident 2 years ago and our son was not expected to survive and was in a coma for a month, some people we barely knew were amazing and some close friends didn't cope at all and just withdrew. I tried not to take it personally but it did make me reevaluate those relationships

[Floottoot]

Thank you all for your kindness.
I guess I just have to accept that my friend and I deal with things in different ways. I've had to deal with losing my dad, and DH's dad previously, so I have experience of grief and loss, whereas she doesn't (actually, her husband's brother killed himself some years ago, and neither she nor her husband have ever told their children, who are older teenagers,what happened to him, so maybe that explains her behaviour now?)

[comedycentral]

How are things OP? Have you heard from your friend? X

[2cats2many]

I know how you feel OP. When my Dad died there were two friends of mine that left me feeling very let down. I've sort of forgiven them now, but it absolutely ate me up for a good year.

[Emilizz34]

I’m so sorry to hear about your sister . I really feel for you as my sister is currently fighting a form of lymphoma that isn’t sensitive to chemo and I will shortly be donating bone marrow for her transplant .
What I’ve noticed in the last few months is that support has come from unlikely places . The people that I would have expected support from let me down and yet people that I barely know have been amazing . Please don’t waste energy and emotion stressing about your friends lack of contact and just try to focus on you , your sister and family.
I’m thinking of you and your sister .

[museumum]

I grew up in a family that didn’t talk about stuff at all. It was “private”. I wouldn’t dream of intruding on a friend in your situation. I was brought up to believe asking anything was intruding and that people need soacecat difficult times.

[ReflectionsofParadise]

One of my close friend's best friends since childhood is dying of testicular cancer. He has barely seen him in months. Texts maybe once a week and gets a reply back several days later and he is ok with that. I wouldn't be personally but he doesn't want to bother him too much when he knows it's the last few months he'll get with his wife and kids.

Sometimes people assume the family of the person dying just want to spend their last moments with them and don't want to be pestered.

Have you tried reaching out to her for support? Not everyone offers unless asked.