Being upset over parent's will

[DrBlackbird]

My parents are remaking their wills. Before, it was always equal split. Now it seems there is talk of changing it to favour one sibling. I have always worked full time. For various reasons, mostly her choice but she suffers from anxiety too, my DS has not. I am married so two incomes, she is divorced so single mother (has bf who helps with bills now but guess this might not be forever). She says it is unfair to have equal split. That she needs to be sole inheritor for income in old age and her need is greater than mine. DP seem to be agreeing with her. It is my DP's estate to leave as they want. Yet, they would not have considered changing their wills but for her always talking to them about her money worries. They have already given her quite a bit of money to help out and they don't have a lot. Both very modest pensioners but careful with their money. AIBU to feel upset about this? What are other's experiences of parent dividing their estate unequally according their children's 'need'?

[50Running50]

Need? She's created it herself. She's obviously manipulated your parents and is hiding behind 'anxiety'.... which is nothing special, half the country has suddenly got this!!

[AnnaMagnani]

Before they start remaking wills, how big is their estate likely to be? Have they thought about how they would pay for care in old age?

A lot of pain and distress goes in to making wills but as a health professional I also see a lot of money going up in smoke to pay for care at home and for nursing homes.

By the time the will comes in to action, they may have caused a lot of damage to your relationships with them and your sister for very little.

[TeenTimesTwo]

I think you are not unreasonable to feel upset (despite what holier than thou posters will no doubt come on to say).

You have worked hard, you now feel penalised and less loved for doing so.
You feel that at least some of your sister's problems are of her own making.

Plus to be honest you never know what the future will bring. The day after your parents die, your sister may marry a millionaire and your husband may leave you high and dry.

Depending on the dynamics in your family though, you may feel unable to say any of this.

And ultimately, it is up to your parents.

[MarthasGinYard]

'She says it is unfair to have equal split. That she needs to be sole inheritor for income in old age and her need is greater than mine.'

So it's actually coming from her and they are agreeing? She's asking already what she's getting. She sounds nice

No I don't think it's fair at all TBH. If you are asked what you think by your parents I'd let them know too. I wouldn't discuss with your DS she sounds entitled and grabby.

Maybe suggest she gets a job?

[pigeondujour]

I wouldn't be putting myself out for their 'needs' as elderly people any time soon. She can earn her bigger share.

[BrushTheCatEar]

YANBU, should be split equally regardless of perceived need.

[Singlenotsingle]

No guarantee that there will be anything to leave at the end of the day anyway! Care homes are expensive, you know. But yes, she is being unnecessarily grabby, isn't she. If she was so concerned about money she should have got a career and worked for it. If a Will is devised fairly, that prevents ill will and relationship problems afterwards among the beneficiaries.

YANBU

[JazzAndCat]

I would be upset too

[tinstar]

you never know what the future will bring. The day after your parents die, your sister may marry a millionaire and your husband may leave you high and dry.

^^ This. Equal is the only fair thing to do, unless there are circumstances that are really unlikely to change (eg where one dc is disabled and needs to pay for care).

[SweetSummerchild]

YANBU alt all.

However, I suggest that you put on your bulletproof vests and prepare for the inevitable posts that accuse you of being grabby and telling you that your parents should be able to leave their money as they wish without you feeling the least bit upset.

[Bluelady]

Is there more to it than this? I know someone who gave up her job and basically her life to care for her mum, the deal was that she was the sole beneficiary of her mum's estate.

[Norma27]

I agree it is not fair. Even more so as it has come from her. How dare she tell them she should be sole beneficiary.
I hate seeing people argue over their inheritance but this seems really unfair to me.
As others have said, I would make her do any old age care if this does happen.

[AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys]

Surely it is fairest to split equally.

Although your Dsis does have children which I suppose could be contributing to your parents’ decision.

What isn’t fair is that your sister is pressuring your parents into this and they’re falling for it. It’s their money and should be entirely their decision.

[RedHelenB]

I don't think you are less loved. Money doesn't equal love. Maybe less supported but as you say you don't need that support.. I would talk to your parents about ir though as I think you need reassurance that they love you both equally. I have said to mine that anything I leave is splot equally but I hope they would give some away to a less fortunate sibling eg. If they already had a house and adding a bit more to their sisters pot would allow them chance to buyou one too.

[FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast]

she sounds like a cheeky fucker tbh.
However, either or both of you could get killed by a bus tomorrow...

[Scrumptiousbears]

I had this with my Nan. Not much to leave but she had 3 children, one had died, one was widowed and well off and the other a lazy fucker who didn't like to work. She was caught between need and fairness. I advised her to go equal. It's the fairest thing to do.

[eelbecomingforyou]

Your sis is being grabby by thinking that your parents' money should be shared unequally. How dare she?? She can work too. Anxiety is on a spectrum - and is hard to prove. Is she using it as an excuse not to work FT?

I'd talk to your parents about it. Why are they remaking their wills? If they change to leave more money to your sis, it will damage your relationship with your sis (is it good now?) and your relationship with your parents. Are they willing to risk that?

Plus, care home fees... You never know how much money they will need to look after themselves as they age. There may be none left. The average care home costs £1000 per week. Hopefully, if they are making their will with a solicitor or financial advisor, they will point out the pitfalls.

[TroysMammy]

My parents have now changed their Wills to split it 3 ways to include their only grandchild when previously it was equally between their 2 children. Grandchild is an only child of an only child and will eventually inherit a sizeable estate not to mention the estate of her childless Auntie.

[EleanorLavish]

Would your sister stop them spending on themselves as it will be less for her? I mean, they may need to use the ‘inheritence’ On care for themselves. Would she kick up about this? If so, she needs to be told to back off.
My parents will be leaving us extremely generous inheritence, but i can tell you, I always tell my folks, I expect nothing. You spend it on yourselves and do what you like with it. They earned and deserve it.
Your sister sounds horrible.

[montFleur]

You haven't seen the ridiculous image of people standing on boxes supposed to be about equality vs equity.

It sounds like she does have more need of the money.

I don't think we're allowed to comment on the sudden prevalence of anxiety as it would be disablist.

[givemesteel]

I would be upset too. It would definitely end my relationship with my sister in that scenario.

Do you know what split they actually going to change it to? It sounds like you sister thinks she should be the sole inheritor, do they agree?

You either of you have DC? How many each?

You should talk to your parents about how you feel - if you have dc then point out they are effectively be unequal to grandchildren as well.

I don't think it is fair to both help out now as well as an unequal split in the will as she's already effectively had a larger share of the estate.

[Needmoresleep]

Head over to the Elderly Parents Board for a minute or two, and skim through the long support thread. (Shit) Siblings who do little or nothing to help in either a crisis or long term decline are a constant theme.

Your parents need to consider whether your sibling can be relied upon to provide the support that may be needed. Because if they effectively disinherit you, or expect you to be POA managing their assets so, essentially your DSis' inheritance, you may struggle to find the motivation.

In any case they should discuss POAs with their lawyer at the same time as rewriting Wills. Their money, first and foremost, should be to provide them with comfort and security in the old age. Many a potential inheritance has been lost in care home fees. And it is not unknown for an Attorney to skew decision making in their own interests.

[Holidayfromreal]

I guess it's your parents choice but I would be upset to. My sibling out earns me by about 7x but I would never expect to be left more than them.

[FrayedHem]

YANBU to feel upset about it. Talking about wills and inheritance can be really difficult, but I think you should perhaps express to your parents that whilst you can see why they are considering changing to favour Dsis, have they considered that your future isn't guaranteed - life can change in a blink of an eye. Do they think if you ran into to difficulties after they've gone that DSis would help you? Would you help Dsis?

Ultimately the choice is theirs. I would particularly urge them to carefully consider who they appoint as Executor. It sounds a bit to me that Dsis may make for a difficult Executor, even if it's joint.

I do know of some relatives who are changing their wills. This is because they've decided to leave the majority to those family members who have been there for them. The ones who are going to get less than previously are bound to kick off.

[AnnaMagnani]

£1000 a week would be cheap in our area for a care home.

Even if you don't go into a care home, there is the cost of carers at home. Plus all the extra stuff you used to do yourself - cleaning, gardening, fixing stuff round the house. Having the heating on higher. Doing more washing if someone is incontinent. It all adds up.