Psycho MIL - take 2

[LolaL]

Hi everyone, I posted this --

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3249894-MIL-from-hell-bring-popcorn-wtf-do-I-do-with-her?pg=14

-- a few weeks ago. Since then, things have been quite good. We've had a few issues (her slagging me off to my mum, she's super super manipulative and it sparked a massive argument between my mum and I). I had a text from her re the hairdresser for the wedding and I text her on the morning of a hospital scan to wish her good luck - but otherwise had absolutely no contact at all.

DP has been the happiest he's been. He has had an occasional phone call with her and popped into the house to ask his dad for some help with the car, but aside from that, that's it.

Weekend just gone was his stag. A really lovely weekend was organised for him (just what he needed!) and he came home yesterday pm bouncing, despite his hangover lol. Showing me photos/videos, telling me what they got up to etc. Really happy.

I met up with SIL over the weekend and she told me that she too has had no contact, bar one phonecall to discuss seeing grandkids (initiated by SIL). Throughout the whole phonecall, MIL repeatedly slagged off the whole family, mainly me. SIL sounded like she did a great job in trying to keep on topic and discuss the kids however it eventually ended with SIL saying that she would not tolerate listening to this and put the phone down. SIL told me about this conversation and I decided not to share with DP, not to upset him.

This morning, DP called MIL on his way into work, just to check in. I think the child in him wanted to share what a lovely weekend he'd had. She told him that she was so glad that he'd had a lovely weekend because she was now on anti-d's and wanted to kill herself all weekend, how lonely she was.... (FIL didn't go on stag so she wasn't alone...) and how upset she was that I didn't reach out to her over the weekend and plan something with her.

Aside from seeing SIL, I had a lovely, very busy weekend spent with my friends and hobby.

DP then called me, really upset, saying how he felt so sorry for her and that he was sad that I'd not reached out to her this weekend. I pointed out that I didn't understand why this weekend was an exception, how was I to know she was feeling lonely, she had FIL, absolutely no difference to any other weekend and even if I wanted to, I had hobby commitments so would have struggled for time.

He ended up getting angry saying how he can't cope that I hate his mum, I started crying, completely out of the blue, I was sat on the sofa catching up with work emails. Ended the call. 10 mins later he text saying he loved me and was sorry, I didn't reply, was upset.

I replied half an hour later saying I loved him but this is really getting me down, our wedding is 4 weeks away and he cannot let his mum manipulate him, or interfere in our relationship. He said she isn't and loves me like a daughter?? I said very hard to believe when she's said some v nasty stuff about me to SIL and told him what was said. Maybe I'm expecting too much, but if I had heard someone talk about DP like that, I would be straight on the phone, asking why they'd said this. Anyway, his response was "take it with a pinch of salt."

I then got v v angry that he couldn't back me and was again letting her control and interfere. I completely saw red and did call her a "psycho controlling bitch" which was probably the most PG thing I had in my head!!!

Anyway, this has continued back and forth all day, him saying he feels unsupportive me hating his mum, me thinking wtf he is letting her control and ruin our relationship. BIL has had a chat with him and agreed that he thinks she's trying to ruin the wedding.

Absolute mess. I don't know what to do. My head is saying run, my heart is staying stick with him.

This sounds pathetic and that I'm overreacting but I really do feel like this is the final nail in the coffin.

[Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname]

He needs a kick up the arse.

[cees]

Elope and enjoy your day

[Takeoutyourhen]

Have a really good talk with your partner and seriously consider eloping, sounds like you are damned if you do and damned if you don't with your future MIL.

[CoraPirbright]

and how upset she was that I didn't reach out to her over the weekend and plan something with her

What??? So the bride-to-be is supposed to “reach out” to her MIL on the groom’s stag w/e and do somethng with her??? Is this A Thing?? If it is, then I (and everyone I know) has failed dismally!! What a crock of shite.

Your MIL is on the brink of getting just what she wants which is to majorly disrupt, if not get cancelled, your wedding. Can you enlist the help of your SIL and BIL to point out (yet again) her craziness?

[WeaselsRising]

If she is like this now, imagine the fun you'll have when you have a baby. If he won't stand up for you now you are in for years and years of it.

[OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow]

That umbilical cord is never going to break. Look-he's taken her side. He's blamed you. You've got years of this. Kids-it will get worse. He shouldn't need his brother to tell him to get his head out of his arse. Not telling you what to do, but....

[eddielizzard]

boundaries boundaries boundaries. between your dp and his mum! sounds like your sil has got it sussed.

for you. i hope he sees sense.

[footballmum]

Make sure she doesn’t find out about the conflict between you and DP because she’d
bloody LOVE it!!

[WhatCanIDoNowPlease]

My head is saying run

Then listen to your head. You know, logically, how this will end up. Just read the relationships board.

[MrsMozart]

He's taken her side and he's blaming you.

You two need a long conversation, and you need to decide if you can and want to cope with this for the rest of your life.

[RandomMess]

Can you invite BIL over to chat to your and your DP together do BIL can explain to him again how he needs to put boundaries in just like he has?

[CaledonianQueen]

Your MIL is a deeply manipulative narcissistic sociopath! Your fiancé is a weak and easily manipulated golden boy! This combination does not make for a happy marriage! Your MIL has already admitted to sabotaging and trying to destroy your wedding. Your fiancé knows all of this yet after one phone call suddenly it is all your fault!

I’m sorry but the only option you have is to dump your fiancé and cancel the wedding! As long as he puts his Mother first you will never be a proper wife. That’s because Mummy dearest is playing the wife role! You will have three people in your marriage (well outside of the bedroom anyway) that cannot work! Your fiancé would need to actually make some massive changes and put in place boundaries but four weeks is not really long enough to prove his commitment!

I likely recommended the Susan Forward books Toxic In-Laws and Toxic parents in your last thread. I still recommend those books.

[redshoeblueshoe]

He hasn't got your back.
That's all you need to know.
Mummy comes first.

[redshoeblueshoe]

Caledonian put it much better than I did. 4 weeks is not enough time for him to change.

[Iloveacurry]

And I guess he ‘reached out’ to your family when you were on your hen weekend?! Thought not.

[Inertia]

This is your future. He doesn’t support or believe you.

Can your SIL and BIL have a conversation with the two of you ? It sounds like they’ve trodden this path already.

Have you told your partner that you are seriously reconsidering the marriage?

[TheMonkeyMummy]

Don't give her this power.

She is his mother. She will always be in his life unless you go NC (which isn't as easy as it sounds in RL and there would always a grey cloud hanging where she should be for your DH if he did this).

I really have issues with my PIL. Thankfully, I have a wonderful SIL and we roll eyes at each other and let off steam away from our DH's.

And after years of tying myself up in knots, I have learnt low contact is key. I reply to the odd Whatsapp, let her know about key events and not give her the power to bother me.

Last time my MIL went on a rant (which sound similar to yours, in the 'woe is me' content), I replied 'yes, you have mentioned it a few times' and moved on. Zero fucks given. Zero manipulation achieved.

[Caselgarcia]

I would suggest to your DP that you are worried about her mental health and maybe he could talk to his father about her behaviour.
Why would she want to die this weekend, she wasn't on her own, she wasn't being excluded from anything ? What does his father think of this ridiculous behaviour?
Take the emphasis away from you, you are carrying on with you life as normal. Your DP is pandering to her behaviour, if she makes silly threats like this again suggest she needs to see her GP.

[RabbitsAreTasty]

You are not overreacting.

You believed he now has your back, that he puts you first, that he wouldn't let her damage you. Then he goes and proves you wrong. No wonder you are seriously upset. Any normal human being would be in a state if their partner demonstrated such lack of care a month before a wedding.

He obviously thinks you just have to put up with it same as him. It's like he doesn't see that you have options.

[FizzyGreenWater]

I think at the very least you need to postpone the wedding.

Read the relationships board, as someone said upthread.

You know how these things end up.

It's not about her. She doesn't matter. She only matters, she only has the power to destroy your relationship and your happiness if HE gives it to her. And he does.

It's about him. He doesn't have your back.

You can't even say, oh, he doesn't know what she's like. He does. He's even got a full-on example, in his bro and sil, of how you can turn away, refuse to let this shit ruin your life and put your foot down and it end up ok. So he does know and he also does know what the answer is.

And then... even after EVERYTHING that has gone on over the last few weeks, the first opportunity that he lets his guard down and tries to have a normal relationship with her, bang. She IMMEDIATELY tries to cause trouble for him (for him - point that out, why don't you? She wants him to be unhappy and have problems in his relationship because it gives her a warped sense of satisfaction. )

And what does he do? Use his common sense and his acres of examples of what she's like, put it together with his love for you and basically tell her - stop there, right now, it's not happening, you're lucky I'm calling you at all after the last month, WATCH YOUR STEP or you will be history?

No. He turns on you.
He's not only not on your side, the evidence is telling you that he never will be. You can no longer say, oh well, he needs to 'get it', he needs space from her, she needs to do something really terrible and then he'll realise. No, all that has happened and nothing has really changed.

Not only is he not on your side - he's also not too bright, is he? Looks like the last month and everything that's happened, he can't take that information and make a measured decision. Either he just does love Mummy more than anyone and is ok with her trashing it all, or he is genuinely too stupid to see cause and effect and take action to manage his relationships.

Read the relationships board and really think about whether this is what you want. And I would also go and see your BIL and SIL and tell them you are thinking of calling off the wedding and ask them what they think.

[ijustwannadance]

What's the bets she'll pull a stunt on wedding day like pretending to take some pills.

He should speak to his dad. Ask him if she was bloody suicidal and why he didn't help her. Drop her in it.

Why the fuck would you "reach out to her and plan something with her" anyway? Sod your nice weekend.

Loves you like a daughter. Ha ha ha ha.

[fuzzyfozzy]

Surely she would go out with her daughter if she was lonely??
A frank discussion is needed sadly

[rollingonariver]

It'll only get worse if you ever have kids, she's awful and he'll continue to take her side.
Awful MILs very rarely don't ruin a relationship / make the whole relationship a mess. He's taken her side and will continue to do so. Would he tell her to 'take it with a pinch of salt' if you had a go about her?
RUNNNNNNN

[mickeysminnie]

The phone works both ways. If she was so lonely why didn't she ring you or your SIL?
Did your dh2b ring his father to ask him about the weekend where his mother was suicidal, because if she was I'm sure he would have noticed.

[Jengnr]

Did he ring your Mum when you had your hen do?