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AIBU?

AIBU to not let bio father know I'm in labour

84 replies

Anniegetyourguns · 26/05/2018 07:39

The Biological dad of my baby has ignored me for months and despite my attempts to get him to decide whether or not he wants to be involved he only wanted to be involved until I made it clear that he couldn't use her to control me. Ever since then he's ignored me completely. He used to be a regular where I work and hasn't been in since, and it's been 4 months since he's even made any effort to speak to me. I don't want my baby to have a father whose only interest in her is temporary or because he thinks he can use her as bait, but I think maybe I'm being a bit unfair to him. To clarify, it was an unexpected pregnancy because he refused to wear condoms and I had been taken off my birth control for medical reasons ( I know- it takes two to tango, that's on both of us). When I told him I was pregnant he really pushed for an abortion, until we broke up- then he was suddenly very interested in us "being friends" for "the benefit of the baby". I told him I would be civil with him and would never stop him seeing his child but that we would never be friends. I don't intend on asking for child support or anything like that, but I don't want him involved at all if he isn't even interested enough in her to make a decision about involvement. AIBU to not let him know? ( I'm worried that my own feelings are clouding my decision- I was selfish in dating him to please my family and could only stand to sleep with him whilst drunk, which was not fair on him.)

OP posts:

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CloudCaptain · 26/05/2018 07:41

Oh dear. What a pickle. You don't need to inform him of anything.

DartmoorDoughnut · 26/05/2018 07:41

a) of course YANBU, just let him know when the baby is here - good luck!

b) why on earth wouldn’t you claim child support?!

gamerchick · 26/05/2018 07:42

This is the one time I would like to hear his side of the story.

gamerchick · 26/05/2018 07:43

But no you don't have to inform him you're in labour. But I have a feeling you will.

Hassled · 26/05/2018 07:43

No, don't tell him if you don't want to - you won't need any additional stress while you're in labour. Has he specifically said he wants to be there for the birth - is it actually an issue?

And why won't you ask for child support? As you said, it takes two to tango (and I have a very low opinion of men who are arrogant enough to refuse to wear a condom) - it is his child, and children are expensive.

Apricotcrumble · 26/05/2018 07:43

I would let him know after the bsby is born. He does have that right, regardless of the way he's been acting. He may turn around his behaviour for the better.
And you should expect him to pay child support.

MyOtherProfile · 26/05/2018 07:44

it was an unexpected pregnancy because he refused to wear condoms and I had been taken off my birth control for medical reasons
Sorry but that's not an unexpected pregnancy then. He knew the risks (and so did you to be honest). Time for you to decide the boundaries with him and play it the way you want it to be.

Redtartanshoes · 26/05/2018 07:44

You don’t need to tell him anything. Your labour is about you. Do whatever you can to make it is as calm as you can.

Aside, he really should support his child financially. If you don’t need it put it into an account for when your daughter needs something, whether it be driving lessons or a house deposit

AlonsoTigerHeart · 26/05/2018 07:44

Text after: Just to let you know the baby was born at all went well.
Job done.

And yes still claim child support.

Loopytiles · 26/05/2018 07:45

Yanbu, but you WBU and unfair on your DC not to seek maintenance.

LongWalkShortPlank · 26/05/2018 07:46

Tell him after the baby is born
Claim through the child maintenance service for the benefit of your child. Put it into savings for them if you're too proud to spend it.

CountFosco · 26/05/2018 07:50

Another vote for making sure he pays. And keep the door open for him to see his child unless you know he is incapable of caring for a child.

As for letting him know you are in labour, it's up to you. But will you be waiting for him to turn up and disappointed if he doesn't. Or would you just let him know so you've 'done the right thing' but then have no expectations?

MiddleClassProblem · 26/05/2018 07:52

Saying you don’t want child support is a bit of a drama llama bell here. I can understand not wanting child support for an abusive ex situation.

You claim he’s controlling but other than the condom situation which you play a part in too, you clearly abstain when sober so unless you’re drunk 90% of the time around him then it doesn’t sound like he’s forcing you to have sex.

He offered to be friends for the sake of the baby. I’m not sure what he’s meant to do for you before the baby comes if you have rejected the friendship. I’d imagine he’s waiting for the baby to come as you made it clear you don’t want his support for you.

Awaits massive drip feed...

Anniegetyourguns · 26/05/2018 07:54

I know I made a lot of mistakes here- it's as much my fault as it is his. I know that. And it was an unexpected pregnancy because I was told it was unlikely I'd ever conceive. The problem is, I don't want to let him know at all, because he's controlling and emotionally abusive. I know he has rights but everyone I speak to seems to think i want them to side with me, when all I want is unfiltered opinions to help me reach a real conclusion, if that makes sense. Im struggling to be impartial.

Another problem is that he's blocked me on literally everything. I can't text, Facebook or call him, so I'd have to go to his house. And no, he's never said anything about wanting to be at the birth, all he's said is that he'd rather I had an abortion.

OP posts:

MiddleClassProblem · 26/05/2018 07:54

PS wanting an abortion doesn’t make him a bad person and he clearly didn’t push for it for too long if he came around at least 4 months ago and you’re still pregnant now.

DragonMummy1418 · 26/05/2018 07:56

Don't tell him your in labour! Focus on giving birth!

Tell him the baby is here when you are comfortable and able to move around.

Pengggwn · 26/05/2018 07:57

Oh fuck him. He's blocked you. He obviously isn't interested. Go to the CMS and don't tell him anything whatsoever.

Anniegetyourguns · 26/05/2018 07:58

I asked him to decide whether he wanted to be involved, because of the whole "I want you to have an abortion" scenario. If he doesn't I don't want to force him to raise a child he never wanted, is all.

And before I met him I didn't drink much at all, he would meet me after work and order three double rum and cokes for me before I'd even finished my shift, and if I didn't want to drink them he'd make a big deal out of wasted money. I'm not saying he forced me into sex, I could have left him at any time. That's a mistake that's on my head. I'm not saying that none of this is my fault

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MiddleClassProblem · 26/05/2018 07:58

so I'd have to go to his house.
For what? I’m confused... what do you need to talk to him about that you go over? Can’t you communicate via letter?

You don’t want anything from him so why are you going over to talk to him when there’s nothing he can do until the baby is here?

There’s definitely a lot you’re not saying about your own behaviour.

Thehop · 26/05/2018 07:59

No don’t tell him.

If you can’t text call or fb message then you can’t inform him of the birth.

He knows the 2 week window your baby is due, let him get in Touch if he wants to.

Anniegetyourguns · 26/05/2018 08:00

He didn't come around, I left him because he was constantly pushing for it and then he suddenly changed his tune and said if I was keeping it then he supposed it would be better for it to have two parents. Then when I said I didn't want to be friends he stopped talking to me and eventually blocked me.

OP posts:

MiddleClassProblem · 26/05/2018 08:00

he would meet me after work and order three double rum and cokes for me before I'd even finished my shift so there were 3 drinks lined up for you when you got there?

Anniegetyourguns · 26/05/2018 08:01

I meant when shes born, in order to let him know id have to go to his house. What do you want to know about my behaviour? I'm not intentionally holding anything back.

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Lilsquish · 26/05/2018 08:03

Im assuming he knows your due date (or roughly at least)
If he wanted to know, he'd be in touch.

Xx

Foodylicious · 26/05/2018 08:03

If he has blocked You and not said prior to this that he expects you to contact him in labour or afterwards, then why are you even thinking about it?

Seems he has made his decision sadly.

Is there a small part of you that hopes he will rush to your bedside in Labour, fall in love with baby and everything will be ok?...

I wouldn't blame you if there was, but it sounds unlikey

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