To consider forgiving fiancé for sexting another woman?

[CobaltRose]

Hi everyone. I am utterly heartbroken and have no idea what to do.

Bit of background: I am 21 (will be 22 in a few days, happy birthday to me ) and my fiancé is 23. We've been together for 18 months, engaged since December, and living together since March. I thought our relationship was perfect, and I love him dearly.

I sadly suffered a miscarriage six weeks ago which devastated both of us, but we emerged from it seemingly stronger than ever (at least I thought so).

Around four weeks ago (so around two weeks after my miscarriage) a woman, who my partner claimed was his cousin, sent me a screenshot on Facebook of what looked to be a sexually explicit message my partner had sent to her. However, she claimed that it looked like my partner's account was hacked and not to worry about it. Indeed, the writing didn't seem to be like his usual style and he also claimed that his account was hacked. Not having any reason to disbelieve him, I (perhaps naively) bought their story. He also proceeded to delete his Facebook account, so that gave me even more reason to believe him. He also gave me his phone to look at, and there was nothing suspicious on it.

Fast forward to today, and this same woman has messaged me to confess that his account wasn't actually hacked, they aren't actually cousins but exes, and that he has been sending her explicit messages and pictures for the whole of our relationship. She claims that she felt guilty after I had a miscarriage and didn't want to lie to me anymore. They haven't done anything physically and she hasn't sexted him back (she is in a new relationship).

She also says that he hasn't messaged her since he deleted his Facebook account and is genuinely sorry. I've sent him an angry text message (he's currently at work) demanding the truth and he's admitted to sexting her once, but denied it was going on throughout the relationship. He's begging me to forgive him and says he loves me, but I honestly don't know where to go from here.

Even his ex is saying he made a mistake, genuinely loves me, and should be given another chance, but I don't know wether to believe her when she says it was happening throughout the relationship or him when he says it only happened once.

This is my first serious relationship. I love him so much but am utterly heartbroken.

Sorry if this is rambling and doesn't make much sense, but I am so shocked and sad.

[CobaltRose]

Bump

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Urgh. Gross. Chuck the pig out. You're worth more than that.

Why would you want to stay with him? It'll just give him 'permission' to get away with it again.

Ditch. Pronto.

[Babdoc]

You and your partner are relatively young to be dealing with engagements, miscarriages and committed relationships. Your partner in particular doesn't sound anywhere near ready to be contemplating marriage. Is it possible he feels a bit trapped, and the sexting was an escape, a chance to feel that he can still play the field as a single man?
Is he your first boyfriend? Are you rushing into a commitment too soon?
I think you both need to sit down and have a painfully honest discussion about where your relationship is headed and what sort of future you both want, and the timescale. And be prepared for the possibility that he might want out.

[FoodGloriousFud]

Do not stay with this man. You're young and can do so much better than spending your life wonder when he'll do it again, or take it to the next level.

[CobaltRose]

Thank you everyone. If it were happening to someone else I'd be saying get rid. But my heart is battling with my head. This is hard

[PullTheBricksDown]

Sorry you've had all this after the pain of a miscarriage too. There may well be LTB replies on the way, but what I'd say is that you don't have to rush into any decision - that includes forgiving him as well as leaving him. Take your time and tell him you will need to think it all over and not work to his timetable.

The issue of whether this was a one off or a repeated thing would make a difference for me. Has the ex got any other proof that it's gone on that long?

[jay55]

You are so young, leave him the trust is gone.

[DailyMailClickbait]

Sorry to hear about your MC.

Your partner sounds like an arsehole. What has the other woman got to lose? He had the opportunity to be honest with you when she first got in touch - he could have owned up then and said that he wasn't hacked at all. Instead he went along with the lie. What makes you think hes not lying again now? What explanation has he given for deciding to just randomly send an inappropriate message to his Ex?

I'd ditch him. He sounds very immature and you are very young, so have plenty of time to meet someone else who won't be an arsehole. Personally I could not forgive a man who was going behind my back whilst I was having a miscarriage. Can you really imagine trusting him ever again?

[Nicknacky]

I’m sorry to hear of your miscarriage. How was he expecting to carry on claiming it was his cousins, wouldn’t that have been odd at family gatherings?

[CobaltRose]

@Babdoc, no, he isn't my first boyfriend but he is my first serious relationship. My last boyfriend cheated on me too. Starts to make you wonder if there's something wrong with me....

We are indeed quite young but he seemed so happy to be engaged and was telling me how much he was looking forward to our future. Perhaps that was all lies too.

[CobaltRose]

The ex doesn't have any concrete proof it's been going on for 18 months. I asked for screenshots but she claims she deleted them.

[MismatchedStripySocks]

Please dump him. I was you 15 years ago and I wish someone had told me firmly to get rid of my ex-husband (before he became my husband)

[SnowGoArea]

He hasn't even married you yet and has already given into temptation to cheat. He didn't confess it to you, you had to find out and then dig for the truth.

Young people can have successful marriages, but not with someone like him in them. He's not ready for monogamy.

I'm sorry It will all be OK though. Pick yourself up, have fun with friends and move on. There are trustworthy men out there and they are worth waiting for. Never compromise with cheating, it sets you up for a long miserable life of self doubt.

[spewsername]

It's more difficult to stay than it is to walk away, he'll have to work to regain your trust - which in time he may resent and you may always wonder what he's up to - which in time you may resent.
It's very early days for him to have done this and forgiving him now does perhaps set a precedent for the relationship.

Based on my experience (having been cheated on by the person I believed was the love of my life) I'd say leave but I do know how hard that is and I had to be cheated on a few times before I realised I was worth more and walked away.
If you stay I hope it works out.

[SomeKnobend]

Bloody hell. He is a complete cheat and liar through and through. You wouldn't even know anything about it if the ex hadn't had a crisis of conscience after your miscarriage. Where was his conscience? What a piece of shit. Do not waste any more time on this cheating lying loser.

[BastardMs]

Oh don't, please just don't. I know it sounds patronising but you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste it shackled to a man who can't even be faithful to you now, in the early days, when things are supposed to be fun. 10, 20, 30 years down the line you will wish with all your heart that you had listened. You have one life, this is it. Don't waste it being unhappy. Any man is not better than no man, I promise you that.

[mamamooloo]

My "boyfriend" betrayed me in our twenties, I went on to marry him. He had an affair and we're now divorced & my child has to suffer the repercussions of having a split home. I really wish I had listened to my friends at the time.

I know he says he won't do it again but I really think there are two types of people in this world, those that will be loyal no matter what and those who will cheat no matter what. find someone who values loyalty. Even if you had the worst relationship in the world he should not have betrayed you like this!

This is the best your relationship will ever be - you should be in the first flush of love! What about when the going gets tough and you have a mortgage, kids, stressful jobs etc, what will his behavior be then?

You deserve so much more, so sorry 💐

[Justanothernameonthepage]

Sorry that you're dealing with this at the time when you actually need him.
He's proven he's happy lying to you. He's shown that he's happy to sext someone else - while you were pregnant. And while you were engaged. This is the time in a relationship when he's meant to be at his most loving. Do you really want to see what he's like when you're struggling at a bad time in your marriage?
If you can't face leaving him right now, then at least stop any wedding planning. If you haven't already, get some birth control that he can't interfere with. Start building up support by spending more times with friends/hobbies. Work out what makes you happy and run with it.

[Popc0rn]

I don't understand why any woman would keep sexting her ex for 18 months (regardless of the fact he's with someone else, 18 months is a loooong time), and then think that 2 weeks after his fiance has had a miscarriage that it's an appropriate time to 'come clean' to her and send her screenshot...and then tell you not to worry he's been hacked...and then actually come clean?!

I wouldn't trust what this woman says tbh. She sounds bat sh*t. And a nasty cow to be sending you all this now.

[Ipdipme]

You have 2 outcomes here:

1. Let this go and spend the rest of the relationship/your life on edge wondering if he’s doing it again.
   

1. Move on and meet someone better.
   

You really are young to accept this as your lot in life. Once a cheater always a cheater in my experience. And sexting is cheating no matter what he might say.

[Storminateapot]

I was engaged to my first great love at your age and he cheated on me - I showed up unexpectedly at our house during the day, he was supposed to be at work - and practically caught them in bed together but he gaslighted me so badly I believed his lies that I'd misunderstood. I was so in love, he was so devastated at the thought of losing me and SO sorry I chose to believe him and we got married.

Guess what - he turned out to be a serial shagger around and became 'ex' within 2 years.

Obviously I'm projecting my situation onto yours but I wish I'd got rid the first time because I was unwittingly in for a hell of a lot more pain until it finally ended.

It was a long time ago for me, I've been happily remarried for 20 years with 3 kids. You've a lot of life ahead - be very sure before you continue with this.

[PickAChew]

Do you really see yourself spending the rest of your life with this dick?

[CobaltRose]

Thank you everyone. I think I've made my decision. His bag is packed and when he gets in from work he'll be staying at his mum's. And she'll know what a disgusting little cheat she's raised. She'll be furious at him because she adores me, and I her.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Well done OP, I know it's hard. But you are so doing the right thing!