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AIBU?

If your friend is gay

84 replies

DrowningEveryDay · 25/04/2018 04:13

and he just recently told you but you suspect he's known all along, and he has a family, would you encourage him to be true to himself and embrace his sexuality?

What would you do?

My current stand is to stay away from this issue, but my other fried (who is gay) says it's hard to not be true to oneself so he's encouraging him.

OP posts:

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Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 25/04/2018 04:17

How old are his children? If “being true to himself” involves running off to have fun while DW is at home with 3 under 5s then no, his “journey” can wait. And you should tell him that. He needs to take responsibility for his own actions.

If his kids are all 20 somethings or whatever then yes, he should very gently break it off with his wife and go do his own thing.

DrowningEveryDay · 25/04/2018 04:20

His children are 9, 6, and 2.

OP posts:

Copperbonnet · 25/04/2018 04:22

I would suggest that this was a discussion that he should have been having with his wife before he told anyone else tbh.

If he asked for my advice I’d tell him to be honest with his wife.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 25/04/2018 04:37

2????? Absolutely not! Gay or not, he needs to man up.

As Copper says, his wife is the only person who should know about this. He needs to explain that he’s gay and come to an agreement about whether he moves out or they do a flat mate type situation.

Who he’s having sex with should be about the last thing on his mind right now. He’s married. It doesn’t matter what his sexual orientation is. He needs to end that relationship before he pursues another one and he needs to take care of the children he knowingly created before he selfishly takes care of himself.

If he asked you for advice he’s put you in an uncomfortable position but I think ethically you have a responsibility to push him in the direction of caring for his own children.

DrowningEveryDay · 25/04/2018 04:43

I think ethically you have a responsibility to push him in the direction of caring for his own children.

He isn't going to stop caring or providing for them. So basically the issue is whether he becomes true to himself (while still providing for the kids) or not.

OP posts:

PastaOfMuppets · 25/04/2018 04:49

I wouldn't be encouraging or pushing my friend in any direction but speaking with the mother of his children, as what he should be doing right now is definitely not my call.

HappyLollipop · 25/04/2018 05:02

It's rather selfish of him to have had a family knowing his sexual orientation now he's going to ruin all of their lives by not being true to himself all those years ago, his poor wife has been duped for years . It's going to be a long and confusing journey for everyone involved now especially the kids as their still so young it'll be harder to explain why they are separating but he needs to talk to his wife first and go from there. I would stay out of it too but definitely encourage him to tell his wife as soon as possible, he's hid this for far too long.

clockworklime · 25/04/2018 05:22

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Gay or not, he needs to man up

Nice

hairycoo · 25/04/2018 05:27

I'd say he needs to talk to his wife. As hurtful as it's gonna be it would be worse to lead her on for another 10/15 years till the children are older. And coming to terms with his sexuality and possibly leaving his wife does not mean he is shirking responsibility for his children.

MerlinsBeard87 · 25/04/2018 05:30

My dad came out as gay when I was 13 and I found it so hard to process. I was angry he had wasted my mums life as he had lied to her and obviously never properly loved her. I felt confused about myself- like I was proof of a lie and I shouldn't exist.

Your friend needs to be honest with his wife straight away. He needs to leave, but be an equal parent to his kids. He needs to let his wife have a chance to be fully loved by someone. It's going to be a horrible time for everyone but it needs to be done.

octonaught · 25/04/2018 05:42

Agreed, his wife, once she has got over the shock of the situation, should have a chance to remake her life.
Quite frankly it is pretty low of your friend marrying when he knew he was gay.

His wanting to be “true to himself” is way down the list of priorities compared to doing right by his wife and supporting his children.
I suspect sorting this out now would be better than waiting till the older one is a teen.

How well do you know his wife? It is her who will need the suppport

AjasLipstick · 25/04/2018 05:47

He should tell his wife.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 25/04/2018 05:50

Clock, I can see how you misconstrued my statement but I would make the same “man up” comment to a straight guy who needed to go on his own journey of discovery. That’s why I said straight OR gay. Both can act like selfish boys at times. The man has a responsibility.

OP I see what you’re saying about him intending to be there for the kids, but let’s be honest - in pursuing his dream of “being true to himself” he’s going to ruin their home. And I’m willing to bet that just like 99% of other men out there (again, regardless of sexual orientation) he’s going to expect the woman in the situation to take over almost all childcare while he finds himself.

He’s spent the last 10 years having sex with and making babies with a woman. This is a really shitty time for him to decide to “get real”.

Uggie · 25/04/2018 05:51

Being true to oneself is a pretty vague ambition. Regardless of his sexuality, if he wants to end his marriage, he should do so. And he should do it in the kindest, fairest way he can for the sakes of the woman who chose to make a life with him and his three children.

Is there an OM involved? Wondering if something in particular has spurred him to want to do something now.

And yes, he needs to have this conversation with his wife not with you. There is nothing you can or should do about it.

SharronNeedles · 25/04/2018 06:19

It's perfectly possible that something has happened recently for him to come to this realisation. If he grew up in a family with a clear gender divide, being told from the very beginning that he is straight then he's probably pushed these thoughts and feelings to the back of his mind, assuming they are nothing more than a fantasy or a desire to experiment.
I know a few people who have a gay parent. Doesn't make them less of a parent. I do feel sorry for the wife as at this moment in time she doesn't realise that her love life is a lie. She should have the chance to find someone who truly loves her. He should have the chance to find someone he truly loves

DrowningEveryDay · 25/04/2018 06:24

Is there an OM involved? Wondering if something in particular has spurred him to want to do something now.

Not sure, but he turned 40 recently. Maybe it's the age.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/04/2018 06:36

Perhaps he wasn’t consciously aware of his sexual orientation as Sharron has said. I was oppressed as a child and it’s only in my 40’s that I’ve discovered the real me and the post resonated in that respect. So many years sabotaged running the tape of my mother’s voice in my head.

As pps have said, sex with a man should be the last thing on his mind right now. Yes, he needs to come clean to his wife. I hope she is physically and mentally strong. She will have a lot on her plate to deal with.

gamerwidow · 25/04/2018 06:43

It's not your business to push or influence him to do anything.
You can be there to listen but any decisions he makes about his future are his to make.
Fwiw I think he needs to have a frank conversation with his wife, as it is they are both living a lie. She deserves the chance to be with someone who truly wants her and he deserves to live openly as a gay man if that's who he is.

Schnauzermum2 · 25/04/2018 06:55

Quite frankly if he’s known all along he’s gay but decided to get married and have kids anyway he’s a selfish twat who I would immediately dump as a friend. He needs to tell his wife (who is presumably at risk of stds if he’s sleeping around). They can decide what to do. He’s a parent it’s not about him being true to himself it’s about his poor kids and his poor wife, who through no fault of their own have been landed with this.

AJPTaylor · 25/04/2018 06:56

That would be an area i would not feel qualified to give advice in and i would say so.

jay55 · 25/04/2018 06:58

He needs to leave his wife so she can have a chance to find someone who loves her. It’s the most shitty thing to do, stringing someone along for years.

DuchyDuke · 25/04/2018 07:00

He should live true to himself. You should be encouraging this. Being gay and leaving his wife for a man wouldn’t make him any better or worse a father. I can’t believe this is even a question on here!

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ForalltheSaints · 25/04/2018 07:04

He should talk to his wife. Worth noting that when they married the hostility to gay men was more than today.

NotTakenUsername · 25/04/2018 07:06

I can’t believe this is even a question on here!

Are you so closed minded that you cannot understand that most issues create a spectrum of opinion?

OliviaStabler · 25/04/2018 07:07

What would you do?

I would not do anything.

He isn't going to stop caring or providing for them. So basically the issue is whether he becomes true to himself (while still providing for the kids) or not.

That sounds like a convenient excuse for him to be able to walk away from his family and responsibilities and do whatever he likes guilt free.

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