PIL issues. Wanting to see GC separately

[Coffeeisnecessary]

Hi mumsnetters, I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable about this particular problem so please help me! My MIL is a tricky person, diagnosed personality disorder along with a host of other issues, she is very negative and has been nasty about me for the whole 16 years I've known her behind my back, face to face she is pleasant enough. She adores my 2 DS and they her, however she treats my eldest DS as if he is the second coming, she has openly admitted she prefers him and sees her as 'hers' whereas my second DS she describes as 'theirs' meaning my family's. She only wants to see them separately but plans for my second DS always seem to fall through so she sees him far less. He notices this and has started pulling away from them. I hate it as it seems like such obvious favouritism. My FIL always used to seem so rational but he also agrees they only want to have them on their own as they can't cope with both. He thinks they need time apart from each other, which may be true. They go to the same school and we generally have them both together so it's possible they would benefit from time apart. My DS are 6 and 4 and get on well mostly. I'm conflicted as I know my own views of my MIL may be tainting my opinion but aibu to dislike them seeing them separately?

[BarbarianMum]

Well it's not the "seeing them separately " that's the problem is it? It's the obvious favouritism. It would be no better for your ds2 if they saw them together and he played second fiddle to his brother all visit.

Personally I'd tackle this head on. If they can't treat them equally, they can see them once every few months at yours.

[Snowydaysarehere]

I wouldn't be letting anyone who had so little regard /respect for me have my dc unsupervised.

[EatTheChocolateTeapot]

YANBU, if they can't cope with the 2 of them they can't cope having them without you. You need to set your boundaries amd that includes treating both DCs the same.

[mumpoints]

No way would I allow her to see either of them on their own. She's setting them up for self esteem issues either way. And won't it be lovely when the favoured child starts telling the other child what granny thinks of him...

They've said it themselves, they can't cope with both. Boo hoo never mind, they'll just have to have supervised visits with both of them. Or none at all.

[Coffeeisnecessary]

Ok thank you that is what I was thinking too but the difficulties have been going on so long I'm starting to lose track of what's 'normal' in situations.

[Arapaima]

Agree with other posters, it’s treating them differently that’s the problem. It would be fine to see them separately if they were equally kind to both.

[SaucyJack]

No, YANBU.

Her behaviour is actually fairly normal within the context of a diagnosed PD- but you are absolutely right to not allow her to fuck your small children up with her disordered thinking.

[Rewn7]

I agree with mumpoints here. I think if they were normal GP’s then seeing separately is not such an issue, but with the issues you’ve described your DC are at risk of being manipulated and emotionally hurt.

Supervised visits would be all I would offer.

[GreenBook]

My mil has my kids one at a time, as she finds it tiring to have both. But she is scrupulously fair about it - keeps count of trips, visits after school, theatre outings etc so that they both get the same amount of time with her overall. So in principle it’s fine, but in your situation it’s clearly not OK because it’s not fair.

[ivenoideawhatimdoing]

If she insists on seeing them separately then when plans with DS2 fall through she can’t see DS1 until she’s seen him.

Alternatively tell her to fuck off

[Feb2018mumma]

This sounds like my grandma! She always said my sister was hers growing up, she paid my sisters rent for years before she was married so she could go uni but nothing for me, she used to have us separately and my sister would come back with gifts from shopping trips and whenever I went we would just sit and watch TV. She said to my mum I never see her and my mum pointed out i visit more than my sister! For Christmas this year my sister got a holiday and I got a card... unfortunately my mum tried everything but it just caused arguments! Nothing you can do except try to treat your youngest and cheer them up while grandma is off with your eldest. It's upsetting but me and my mum laugh about it now I'm older, it's crazy she doesn't think she has done anything wrong... (also I get its her money to do with what she wants but I would never treat my two grandchildren so differently!)

[JustHooking]

Given the blatant favouritism I wouldn't let her see them without you present at all
Visit all together then you can make sure they are treated the same

[Wakeuptortoise]

Just no. Pil are unreasonable.

[TeeniefaeTroon]

My parents and my MIL see my children separately, not due to favouritism though it's just that they're a nightmare together even though one is 16 and one is 5 🙄
I wouldn't put up with it, can your husband talk to them?

[BeckettsandChapel]

I agree with ivenoidea, she doesn’t see ds1 until she sees ds2 and they do similar things.
So if she sees ds2 and they have a walk around the walk but she sees ds1 and they go to a theme park she can’t see ds1 again until ds2 goes to the theme park and f they ask why explain being fair to them

[Knittedfairies]

Another vote for supervised visits. If a 4 year old has realised that Granny has a favourite, and he's not it, it’s time to take the situation in hand.

[Coffeeisnecessary]

Yes my husband talks to them about it but they can't see how they are doing anything wrong. It's so hard with a personality disorder as she just can't ever see when she is in the wrong. Will show him this thread later and then work out a way forward. Thank you all so much, feedback has been so helpful!

[norfolkenclue]

How awful for your youngest! I can see though that sometimes siblings benefit from spending time apart (not like this though...this is horrid!!). If they DO insist that they can only cope with one at a time, and that may well be true (two little boys can be a handful at times 💕😂💕) then how about saying yes, ok, but the youngest gets his 'turn' first! That way you can be sure that he will actually get his turn, and they will of course take the eldest next, who appears to be the favourite. If this isn't accepted by your ILs, then you know that they had absolutely no intention of taking your youngest, and can call them out on their behaviour. Xx

[handyforpicnics]

MIL will only do things on her terms, OP, there is no negotiating with her, I have seen this too many times. If you want DC to be treated equally (which is essential if you don't want unfairness to affect lives) you will have to keep contact to larger family occasions where everyone's behaviour is witnessed.

[Nottheduchessofcambridge]

Next time it’s DS1s turn, take DS2. Just say that something came up. Or don’t let either of them go.

[mumpoints]

BeckettsandChapel I don't agree. You can take 2 different children to the theme park and give them 2 different experiences. DS2 will know he isn't wanted. hey should be protected from people like that, not used as pawns in their game.

[MichaelBendfaster]

I wouldn't be letting anyone who had so little regard /respect for me have my dc unsupervised.

This. And get your DH to tell his mother.

[DuckbilledSplatterPuff]

I hope you have the support of your OH in this. Someone, however they are related, who has declared openly that they disrespect and dislike you and has marked personality problems and favours one little 6 year old above a 4 year old sibling should'nt be allowed to behave like this towards your children. Or they should only have contact with your children when you or OH are present.
Our 2 eldest DCs were close in age. Its hard enough being the youngest without obvious favoritism by an un self disciplined adult being thrown into the mix. However, in the holidays they kept each other occupied and although there were squabbles they were very bored apart. I think it's only fair to your children to limit contact with people who you think are bad for them, they come first, whatever the family pressures are. Grit your teeth and organise a "big day out" for all family, including extended which GPs can attend. Then you have paid your dues.

[Notonthestairs]

My GM had a preferred grandchild - she swopped it about so it depended on the age and stage we were at but generally it was my DB. I did recognise it and it had an impact on both my relationship with him and with her, and more importantly my view of myself.
I know you have tried to tackle this but don't let it go - otherwise you will end up trying to compensate for it and it will throw off your relationship with your boys.

[Iceskatingsnake]

Nope that’s not ok. Totally agree with seeing GC one to one if it’s either too much to cope with two together or the intention is to have quality time with each child and make them feel special etc. Not though in this situation which is all about singling one child out as the favourite. That’s not acceptable.