Ok, so this might be long as I don't want to dripfeed. It's been prompted by something that happened last night, but I feel it points to bigger issues, and has left me wondering if DP really needs to grow a set of balls.
We are both divorced, I have 1DC and he has 2 (19 and 16). His EXW has been a nightmare ever since left her nearly 3 years ago (before I met him, I hasten to add). We have been together for just over a year. His children don't talk to him as ex wife has made it her business to avenge him for leaving her (there was no one else, they just had a shit marriage, she was emotionally abusive to him for years and he finally got the courage to leave). She has been extremely destructive since finding out that he was dating again...there have been death threats (seriously, she said she was going to hire a hitman), awful phone calls where she has hysterically bawled at him for hours at a time. This is still happening nearly 3 years later, and as far as I can see she hasn't moved on at all.
He takes all this shit as he retains some hope of having a relationship with his children again and feels the only way to do that is to take the calls and to take the abuse. Against the advice of his solicitor he gave her 70% of the assets in the financial settlement in the hope that it would help matters with the children. Of course it didn't change anything. She hates him and wants the kids to hate him too. I dread to think the effect this may have on them long term.
At the start of our relationship I stayed out of it all and didn't get involved as it wasn't my place or business, but it's becoming increasingly difficult not to when these almost weekly phone calls upset him for days, his children's atttitides and allegiance with their mother kills him and their belief in the lies she tells means that they now hate me too (she is spreading about lies that we had been having an affair all along which is absolute nonsense as I didn't even know him when he was with her). The threats also now are made against me, rude comments and nastiness, telling him he was a shit dad and a horrible person for leaving her, that everyone hates him and he deserves to die (totally insane behaviour). Generally it just feels like she rules us from afar, and we are never free from the shadow she casts.
My real issue is that he has taken a line of appeasement with this up to now, and puts up with all the abuse, it seems to be the way it was in his marriage too and I personally think his ex has mental health issues. To begin with I didn't realise what she was like and agreed that he should try to be nice to her and to foster a good relationship, as I thankfully have with my ex. But due to everything that's gone on in the last year I have radically changed my opinion and am now beginning to see him as weak, taking all this crap from her and not having a backbone to fight back. It hasn't worked so far and I think he needs to radically change tack. His children at this point don't really want to see him or talk to him and barely respond to texts, they are being fed complete propaganda by his exw. I don't really know what he should do, but it's really getting me down and beginning to affect our relationship, which is otherwise great.
The last straw was last night when we were out with my dc as we are away for half term. She called him and he stepped out of the coffee shop to take her call. He was gone for an hour. I didn't make a big deal of it when he returned as he was upset. We were just getting ready to leave as we had a dinner reservation, and she called again. He stepped out. Me and dc walked slowly to the restaurant and arrived. DP didn't arrive for another 40 minutes by which time I was getting upset and annoyed, dc was hungry and it was extremely embarrassing in the restaurant. She was just on the phone to have a go at him for being in contact with the children and not telling her first (they are 19 and 16). He was on the phone listening to her abuse for nearly 2 hours while me and dc sat around and waited.
I want to be supportive but I just don't know what to do anymore and am really worried about this continuing and potentially driving me and DP apart. AIBU for wishing he would grow a set of balls and tell her to eff off?
AIBU?
To think DP needs to be a lot stronger with EXW?
OnTheBeaches · 13/02/2018 17:30
He needs to block her on his phone and give her an email address she can contact him on instead. One just for her that he will then be able to threaten to show the kids (as a bonus) she will stop then as she's not going to want any evidence of her batshit behaviour. (Worked a treat with my OH ex wife )
If he isn't able to stand up to her now after 3 years he never will. Tell him how you feel and what you want him to do. If he isn't prepared to do it I would walk away or you will have this kind of crap in your life forever! She will only continue to escalate otherwise. 
for you I've been where you are and it's not fun!
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