To just want this to go away?

[passmetheketchup]

I’m depressed. I know I am. I’m not myself anymore. I feel empty and numb. Everything seems a bit unreal. Like I’m living in someone else’s. I’m normally so happy and fairly organised. No I’m sad, low, miserable and numb. My partner has started to ask questions and I just know my eldest knows I’m not right at the moment. The poor child only wants to talk about what he wants for Christmas and I just can’t be bothered. If I can be bothered to talk about it then it’s forced conversation and he probably jno s my heart isn’t in the conversation. I want to care but I’m all honestly I just don’t. It hurts to even write that but it’s true. I’m emotional and crying over anything. This morning I cried whilst driving the children to school. I waved my eldest off with tears running down my face so no doubt he will have a shit day at school. I don’t know what prompted me to cry- maybe it was one of those mornings. I then sobbed all the way to work but hav come in with my cheerful smile and put on my happy face. I’ve been to the toilet for a cry a couple of times. Today is a really low day. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to go to the GP. I don’t want to sit and sob in front of a stranger.

[Furgggggg12]

You need to go to the GP for the sake of your child. And yourself. But your child needs you to get better.

[passmetheketchup]

I don’t want to go on any medication though. I just want to feel better,

[ConciseandNice]

If you want to feel better then it may take doing things which feel counterproductive, like taking meds, or going to talking therapy, or both. If you want to feel better for you and your family then you can't let this carry on. You are fragile and need help. You deserve help and your family deserves you to be better. Please go to the doctor. You are unwell. If you had a physical illness you'd probably go. This is no different and if anything is worse.

[ArcheryAnnie]

You'd go to the hospital if you had a broken leg, right? You need to go to the GP to get help with this.

I'm afraid it doesn't matter if you don't want to. You have to, for your own sake, and for your DC's sake.

[Naughty1205]

You need to go to your GP. More than likely you need meds, antidepressants are not addictive. They saved my life and continue to do so. Please do it for your kids.

[Furgggggg12]

You can either stay as you are, in which case nothing will change. Or, you can go to the dr and speak to someone who probably has people crying in front of them every single day, and ask what the options are.

[HandbagCrazy]

Please go to the GP. Write down what you want to say and show them that if it’s easier. Be honest - they won’t judge, it’s their job to help you.

The awful thing about depression is quite often it puts you in a catch 22 - you don’t have the energy to face it head on - you don’t feel like anything is going to help - everything feels a bit worse so keeping your game face on becomes more exhausting - and the circle starts again.
You need to break the cycle by getting help.
Does your DP live with you? Can he help with Christmas at all?
Set 2 goals for today - make the appointment and give your child a cuddle. That’s it.
You will get through today - one step at a time

[Undercoverbanana]

Write it all down.
Make a GP appointment - show them what you've written if you prefer.
Talk to your partner and be honest - say that you are struggling and don't know why and want to get better. Don't isolate them - if DP is a good person they will want to support you.
Do you gave a good friend IRL to chat to?
Write down some things you like to do or give you pleasure - warm bath with candles? Running? Reading? Swimming? Perhaps you need to find a little bit of "you" again?
Don't be ashamed or embarrassed, but do be honest.

[Furgggggg12]

And yes, write it down. Honestly, you'll feel so much better OP.

[SnoozyMcSnoozeFace]

@passmetheketchup that sounds really hard. I have also suffered from depression. I was previously taking medication for it but, like you, I do not want to go back on it. As a start I really recommend contacting the Samaritans. They're very good at listening and hearing. Even if you can't make sense of your feelings, they know how to listen and it can be really helpful in times when you're feeling really low and want everything to just go away. If you don't want to talk to them over the phone, you can email them at [email protected]. If you do decide to go to your GP, you won't be forced to go on medication. They will know how to help you and can refer you to local services like counselling and cbt. They're very used to people crying in front of them, so please don't worry about them judging you. Most importantly: you aren't alone and there are people who can and will help you

[JackietheBackie]

You could also try referring yourself to IAPT for talking therapy if you aren't keen on medication. if you Google IAPT and the borough where you live, you should be able to find their details.

It is horrible but not uncommon to feel this way, and it is OK to ask for help to get you through this. I don't know if you have tried medication before but for some people it is a life saver. You deserve to feel stable and in balance with yourself.

[InternetHoopJumper]

What ever you tell or show your GP (in the way of tears) he/she will have seen worse and will not judge you for it. Depression is, unfortunately, quite common and it's not your fault. You will feel better after you have fessed up how you really feel.

Before you go to your GP maybe start with your own family. They have no doubt already seen that you are struggling and it will be a relief to all to have it out in the open what is wrong. Maybe start with your DP in private and then inform your kids.

It feels different, but depression is similarly to a lot of long-term illnesses that no one asks for. You feel like crap and your capacity to accomplish things is diminished, which makes you feel even worse. You may or may not need medication, but at least get some help. It's an illness and requires qualified help.

[passmetheketchup]

@HandbagCrazy Those two goals sound like a good place to start. I want to smother my DC in cuddles and want them to know that I am interested. I’m going to ask them about their day and make their Christmas lists tonight. I can do that- housework etc can wait. I’ve been feeling so guilty that I get home from work and just want to be on my own.

[passmetheketchup]

I have been to the GP before about a year ago when I wasn’t sleeping and feeling emotional. He thought I had anxiety.i was prescribed citralopram (not sure of the spelling)

I can’t talk to my DP - he wouldn’t understand. He’s very much ‘Sort yourself out. You’ve got nothing to be sad about’ type of person. Which is true I guess. I told him about the citralopram last time and he said I’d be silly to take the ‘Happy pills’ and said he didn’t think I needed them. Maybe it’s because I kept how I was feeling to myself and the first he knew was when I was given the pills. I took them for about 2 months and I did feel better so didn’t go back again for anymore. I didn’t tell him I took them.

If I’m feeling well mentally I would be saying the same as some of the posters on here. ‘Go to the GP’ , ‘Talk to someone’, ‘It’s nothing to be ashamed of.’ Unfortunately right now I am deeply ashamed and embarrassed about how I’m feeling. I don’t want to tell anyone in real life.

It probably doesn’t help that my GP surgery is my place of work.

[passmetheketchup]

I just feel trapped. Some days are better than others. Yesterday was a fairly good day and today I’ve been crying non-stop at work in the toilets

[OverinaFlash]

Please don't let your DP minimize your mental health. If he doesn't understand that's unfortunate, but don't let him be the reason you don't get the help you need. If you decide to access help and are prescribed mediation or some form of therapy, and he makes any comment, you can simply tell him that you are glad he doesn't understand why you need it, as it means he hasn't been through what you are going through. Depression is very rarely as simple as my life is crap, ergo I feel crap, or my life is great, so I feel great. Most people don't live life so black and white, even when they're mentally well.

[Starfish28]

Gosh your follow up posts are so heart-breaking. Please do not let your DPs lack of empathy about mental health stop you from seeking help. You are sick and really do need to go to the GP and talk about it and see what the options are. Help is out there please, please see how you can access it

[littlebird7]

Can I just say that if you don't help you feel worse and worse. Depression can be a bottomless pit of despair and if you allow yourself to sink to the bottom because you can't tell anyone then you are going to find it so much harder to get back from there.

For your children this can be easily changed, so many people have had periods of feelings just the same of you. A huge amount of people have this, and you don't need to tell the world. Just one person, your GP.

They will help and support you. As will friends if you let them in.

For your children prepare for them to come home with their favourite tea, christmas lists, and try your hardest to hold it together until you can get to the doctors.

My mother had terrible depression, she had a breakdown in the end, it was terrifying as a child to watch. I was worried sick every day for two years that would happen to her whilst I was at school. Please go and talk just for ten minutes to the dr, and you will feel so much better once you have some support. I promise you won't always feel this way.

[EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans]

I felt like you and had to be almost shoved into the GP's surgery. Citalopram combined with therapy saved my life - literally. It wasn't until I was better that I could see how ill I'd been.

Your DP honestly doesn't know what he's talking about. Depression is a serious illness and it won't just go away if you ignore it.

[Italiangreyhound]

Pass please can you change your GP? Either the whole surgery or the actual doctor. Please go to a doctor and get help. You deserve it. You really do. A short bit of embarrassment and you can get help.

[BIWI]

Please ignore your DP - he doesn't know what he's talking about.

You're working in the right place to get help quickly! So please take advantage of it. You deserve to be happy.

[passmetheketchup]

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me.

I think I’m going to see my GP tomorrow. It will be hard for me but I think I really need to go. I’ve let it get to this point where it’s affecting everything I do - I was hoping it would pass. I don’t know why but I’m so afraid to talk about how I’m feeling. I feel like if I let my guard down and cry in front of someone I won’t ever stop ab d everything will come pouring out!

[Olderfatherofthree]

@passmetheketchup I so agree with all the other posters... Please please book yourself a double appointment so you don't have to rush things and do make sure you write everything down you need and want to say. I was scared to death about talking to my GP but if I hadn't I really don't think I would be here today.

[niknac1]

I would suggest you need to see your GP because you want to avoid a crisis. If you really refuse then I would suggest going easy on yourself, no blaming yourself for not behaving normally and share with your husband. Try to get out for a walk, take your children with you. Even if you are sad the exercise releases endorphins to help your mood, 3 x 15 mins each day could help.

[Bluebell9]

I was feeling like you in July. it was all too much and I couldn't be bothered to do anything. I didn't realise what was wrong, I was seeing a medical professional for a different matter and they told me to see my GP. I'm now on sertraline and had 2 months off work. It was the best thing I could have done and now I'm feeling so much more positive.