Friend wants to hijack my 50th birthday party

[Nutellamad]

I met a very close friend when home for a few days in my hometown in Ireland (I have been living in France for the last 20 years). We had a lovely dinner until we were about to say goodbye when she mentioned that since we will both be 50 next year, we could maybe get other friends together who will also be 50 to do a group party. I said, funny you should say that, since DH didn’t get around to doing his 50th three years ago, he suggested us doing a 50th birthday for the two of us next year. I told her that we would soon be letting people know the date since we hope some family and friends could travel over from Ireland and the UK for the party making the most of the occasion to get old friends together.

She started insisting saying that’s why she wants to do the party with me so that we reminisce with the old friends (she used to live in France and knew our group of friends). I felt very awkward and tried explaining that since we are definitely doing the party, that she will get to have a great time with all our old group of friends (nearly all of whom she hasn’t kept in contact with but that I have).

She again insisted that she wanted it to be her party too. I said that we would be doing it in France so that might be difficult for her friends or family to come to. She said that she wouldn’t be inviting family; she prefers her work colleagues not to know her age so she wouldn’t invite them; and that her three good friends from her hometown wouldn’t be the type that would go to France for the party. She said she would like to see our old group of friends.

I reiterated that she will see them, since I was inviting them anyway but that it didn’t make sense it being her party too if she wasn’t inviting anyone that was from her side.

She got annoyed, saying she didn’t understand why I was being difficult.

I explained again that I really didn’t understand the logic of me and my husband organizing the party (possibly at our house), sending the invites, preparing the food and drink, inviting piles of people she doesn’t know (plus the ones she does know) and yet say on the invites that it’s a party for us and for my friend…

She then got into a huff and said there was no point continuing speaking since I was being difficult, making a problem out of it. And she left.

I absolutely hate confrontations and falling out with people but this annoyed me because I think she is being unreasonable. We haven’t yet spoken since then and I’m worried she will not let this drop.

[MipMipMip]

This is very strange. I can only assume she wants to skimp on either effort or cost so for her it makes sense for you to do it instead.

[pasturesgreen]

Your friend sounds about 15, not 50.

[Waddlelikeapenguin]

Your friend is very odd & possibly a CF...

[Goldmandra]

She has found a way to have her 50th hosted by someone else at no cost and without the effort of organising it. She's prepared to fall out with you if you won't facilitate it at the expense of your own plans.

Is she really your friend or is she someone who is nice to others while she freeloads then gets cross and unpleasant when she doesn't get what she wants?

[Fishface77]

She's a twat. Don't invite her.
Wants all the presents but none of the effort.

[grannysmiff]

I mean shes being weird but also i dont see it as too much of a big deal to have your party and be like "...and it's also a celebration for X!"

Is it possible she doesnt have any friends so cant throw a party herself?

[SheffieldStealer]

Tell her you're planning to hire Le Grand Venue Tres Chic et Cher at a cost of xEuros, with wine coming it at about xxxEuros, and if it's to be a joint party you need her name on the hire documents and a deposit payment upfront.

[SilverSpot]

She then got into a huff and said there was no point continuing speaking since I was being difficult, making a problem out of it. And she left.

Right... And she thinks YOU are the difficult one?!?

Generously, maybe she doesn't have any friends so can't throw her own party? But she can't just hi-jack yours!

[KatherinaMinola]

Is it possible she doesnt have any friends so cant throw a party herself?

That was my immediate thought - it makes sense of the excuse about colleagues and hometown friends.

I'm not sure what you do about it though.

[MayFayner]

How weird and awkward. Well done for standing your ground.

I would just carry on now as if the conversation had gone well. Contact her as normal etc. If she is sulking then she's being very silly- she was chancing her arm asking in the first place so has no right to be annoyed.

[unfortunateevents]

Sounds like she has few or no friends and not only is she piggy-backing on your party for free but she will probably also tell her friends, family and work colleagues a bunch of lies about your party and why she was unable to invite any of them - with you appearing as some kind of gate-keeper controlling the invites!

[Nocabbageinmyeye]

Just forget it and send her an invitation like everyone else, if it is brought up again in the meantime just be blunt and honest "Ann this is getting awkward, dh and I are hosting a party, you will be invited like everyone else but it's a party for us, if you want a party then organise it and stop trying to hijack mine"

[Glumglowworm]

But even if she doesn't have friends to throw a party for there's no obligation to have a party! I rarely celebrate my birthday even when I turned 30 (most recent milestone).

YANBU, you're inviting her to your party, she will see all your mutual old friends. There's no need for it to be a joint party. And if it was going to be joint then she would need to contribute 1/3 of the cost, 1/3 of the time spent organising it etc etc (you and DH 1/3 each).

[fruitbrewhaha]

She's got a thick skin, hasnt she?
I'm guessing she's not very good at keeping in touch with old friends and doesn't have many new ones, so believes she doesn't have the draw to get enough people together for a party.

[Hissy]

Oh god, she sounds like someone I used to know!

Just tell her it's your party and you're keeping it at that.

I think you handled everything very well tbh

[Bluntness100]

That’s a bit cheeky it has to be said. I can’t imagine saying to someone can they make their party mine also, but to insist upon it then go in a huff is unreasonable, especially as she’s not actually inviting anyone to it.

As she’s not inviting anyone I guess she also doesn’t want to contribute financially? I’d probably have said yes, not been happy about it alth Ugh shrugged it off, but it’s so weird and awkward. She is behaving terribly.

She clearly really wants a party and can’t do it on her own. I think now you’ve made your stand, you should stand your ground. I’d also behave as if nothing happened and if she comments again just say sorry it’s a joint party with your husband and will inc a lot of family and friends that don’t know her so would be inappropriate but you’d love to have done it otherwise.

[DPotter]

Good for you standing your ground - she's left in no doubt that you don't want a shared party with her.
I'd be a bit worried about even inviting her, as she may try and 'hijack' from the inside so to speak

[Rafflesway]

Nutella, didn’t you say your DH really hates sharing??

[whiskyowl]

She sounds like someone who doesn't listen, overrides boundaries and then gets offended when people restate those boundaries instead of giving her what she wants. Her offence is her own fault, not yours - you clearly stated the lines, she ignored them.

I have PIL who have boundary issues, and it has been incredibly liberating to take an attitude of "If they have been told clearly and politely where a boundary is, and they choose to override it anyway, they have been rude, and any offence caused to them by firm but polite restatement of that boundary is their own fault". You cannot be responsible for the reactions of someone who doesn't listen, or you will be utterly overridden.

[MrsExpo]

I assume the party is on, or very near to, the date of your birthday. Is hers very close to that (within a couple of weeks either way)?. She's being cheeky and very U. I would make the date known once you've decided upon it, then send out invitations stating quite clearly that "You are cordially invited to join Nutellamad and Mr Nutellamad on at to celebrate their 50th birthday" so everyone knows it's your party. Invite her if you feel you must but firmly squash any suggestion it's anything but your event. Well done for standing your ground.

[gamerchick]

I got the kinda impression she would like to have a bigger thing than she would get organising her own. It’s probably a lonely time when you have a big one coming up and nobody to invite. She could have just said that though.

[DistanceCall]

i dont see it as too much of a big deal to have your party and be like "...and it's also a celebration for X!"

But it IS a big deal. The OP wants to have HER party, which she is organising and paying for. Why on earth should she have to share it with someone else if she doesn't want to?

[DistanceCall]

By the way, I HATE it when people say things like "you're just being difficult".

It just means that they don't have any strong arguments and want to bully you into submission. "You're just being difficult" = why do you insist on following YOUR own wishes/views? Do as I say!

[KatharinaRosalie]

She wants to have a 50th celebration, and presents - but all paid and organised by you. Of course she got huffy that you were 'difficult'