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AIBU?

To be furious over MIL throwing our 1 year old around!

97 replies

HappinessAlwaysAhead · 22/10/2017 17:14

I’m a frequent mumsnetter but I have NC for this so I don’t put myself.

We live in the South of England and have the inlaws visiting this weekend. I’ve had a multitude of issues with our inlaws, very much justifiably and you lot have been a great help on numerous occasions.

Basically DH has vowed to be less of a pushover with them and pull them up for the things they do that aren’t okay.

So PIL’s are staying at a hotel and we popped round for a while this afternoon. We went up for a look in their room and our DDS (4 & 1) we’re getting a little bored. DH and I started having a little rough & tumble with them on the bed as DD2 especially loves this. MIL started to get involved and let’s just say my heart was in my mouth, she picked up DD2 and was throwing her around like a rag doll, literally I saw her little head flopping around in the air and I felt sick. She was throwing her down onto the bed with far too much force and her little head was just flying around 😱😰 before i’d managed to intervene, DH said, “Mum could you stop that please, she’s only 1”. MIL replied “she’s absolutely fine, it’s not like I’m beating her up”. Typical answer from MIL. Never just “okay, no problem” she always defends herself and leaves me with no confidence that she won’t do it again. In fact I’m pretty confident she will do it again.

When we left the hotel, I explained to my jisbahd that I’m not happy and that I wish he’d said something like “I’m the parent and I don’t feel comfortable with you doing that to her”. He basically said he doesn’t want to talk about it until the kids are in bed but literally my blood was boiling and my kids safety is my priority and he needs to handle these situations better. DD1 was in the car but I was making sure to talk in such a way that she wouldn’t understand. (Also she was busy playing with her new paw patrol toy so was very much zoned out). Anyway, DH is now very upset with me and says now is not the time to discuss this or to discuss this further with his parents. I just feel at a loss. He promised me things would get better with his parents but now he’s starting to blame me, saying I’m making things worse. All I’m doing is trying to take proper care of my children and put their interests first. So is DH right on this, should I just put up & shut up? I just feel so lost with all of this. He’s through in our living room now with his parents and the kids all happy as Larry, while I’m sat in the kitchen feeling rubbish.

OP posts:

Report

chestylarue52 · 22/10/2017 17:17

I don't see what your issue is it sounds like he stopped her? They're in a hotel not your house so they won't be having any unsupervised access to the children will they?

Whambarsarentasfizzyastheywere · 22/10/2017 17:18

DH said, “Mum could you stop that please, she’s only 1”

He did pull her up on it. Maybe he didn't use the exact words you wanted him to use but he stopped the situation.

I think you are being pretty harsh on your dh.

You were there and said nothing.

Wateroffaduck · 22/10/2017 17:19

So he told her stop which she did but because he didn’t word it how you wanted he is in the wrong? Sounds like he can’t win.

Bruceishavingfish · 22/10/2017 17:20

He stopped her. He just didnt use the words you wanted him too.

He is probably right. Its best to discuss when ypi have had a few hours to calm doen and the kids are out of the way.

HappinessAlwaysAhead · 22/10/2017 17:21

The only reason the throwing stopped was because we were leaving the hotel anyway and my issue is, MIL does have unsupervised access from time to time. Even just being upstairs with the kids while I’m downstairs. What’s to stop her doing it again?

OP posts:

Ttbb · 22/10/2017 17:22

Baby steps OP. Next time he will be firmer.

Lethaldrizzle · 22/10/2017 17:22

She brought up your dh ok so I assume she'll be ok with her grandkids

HappinessAlwaysAhead · 22/10/2017 17:23

I probably should have given more background info to prevent drip feeding (I do apologise). MIL & FIL have previous for doing things with the kids that we’ve asked them not to, the minute our backs are turned. Hence the reason we need to be more clear with them and tell them we mean what we say.

OP posts:

MimiSunshine · 22/10/2017 17:23

You can’t give him a script to follow. He stopped her which is the most important thing, he found his voice and did it in a way he felt confident.

Perhaps he could’ve followed up her defense with the “I’m the parent but...” but what would that have achieved? A row, probably not worth it when you were leaving the hotel anyway.

Don’t make him feel he can’t win, he stands up to his Mum and probably gets some kind of retaliation from her, and you have a ho at him for not doing it exactly how you’d like.

CotswoldStrife · 22/10/2017 17:23

It's a little unrealistic to expect your MIL to say 'I'll never do that again' as a response IMO. Your DH did as you wanted and I agree that it shouldn't be discussed in front of the children too.

OP, let it go and get back in the room with them all.

Whambarsarentasfizzyastheywere · 22/10/2017 17:24

Just stop all unsupervised access.

Bruceishavingfish · 22/10/2017 17:24

Op you didnt say that in your op.

You are being shitty to your dh. He spoke to her. It stopped.

At this time there is no need to further speak to her.

You were rough housing. She got involved. Do you really think the minute your dh goes to the toilet she will start throwing round your baby? Is she waiting to do it?

If you really believe that. Dont leave her alone.

More likely she wont and only did it because you were doing it.

Fattymcfaterson · 22/10/2017 17:24

You keep saying WE, but then expect your husband to do all the talking?

Pengggwn · 22/10/2017 17:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappinessAlwaysAhead · 22/10/2017 17:26

My issue is that her response was that it was fine & there was no problem with what she was doing. Given all the background info, DH should have told her that it’s not okay and she’s not to do it again. My inlaws think they are right and undermine us at every turn.

OP posts:

CharlieSierra · 22/10/2017 17:27

MIL & FIL have previous for doing things with the kids that we’ve asked them not to, the minute our backs are turned

What things?

pudcat · 22/10/2017 17:28

Sorry but why would you play rough and tumble on someone else's bed especially a hotel bed? Height of bad manners.

Lethaldrizzle · 22/10/2017 17:30

A list of things that inlaws can't do! Eh?

Lottie2017 · 22/10/2017 17:31

I think you should probably just say what you want to say instead of waiting for your husband to say it? If he hasn't addressed the situation properly, then just step in and say tactfully what you are thinking if you are not happy. They are your children.She will continue to do what she wants if she feels that nobody is going to pull her up on it.

Maelstrop · 22/10/2017 17:32

I agree with pudcat re behaviour in someone's hotel room.

Trouble is, YUO started rough housing, mil wants to join in the fun. Yes, dd1is way too little to be thrown around, so don't rough house with her if you don't want to risk mil getting over-excited about it.

Your dh stopped her (why didn't you?) and now he is still in the wrong? Odd.

HappinessAlwaysAhead · 22/10/2017 17:33

I realise I’ve totally drip fed here. I’m really sorry.

Some previous scenarios, just to give more background:

FAMILY BBQ in back garden. Garden shed full of lots of tools with door open.

Me to FIL: DD’s (18 months) not to go in there. She’ll just try to touch everything and it would be a bit dangerous.

5 minutes later, DD walks over to shed but FIL is standing at the door, so I stupidly think, he’ll keep her out, but no! He lets her in. I walk over and tell FIL again, she’s not to go in there. I start walking away and he mutters “it never did my two any harm”. Two minutes later, I see him taking DD into the shed by the hand.

This is what I’m up against and MIL is the exact same.

OP posts:

user1471449805 · 22/10/2017 17:33

If you have issues with them why do they have unsupervised access from time to time?

DJBaggySmallpox · 22/10/2017 17:34

Does your DH ever ask himself why he's a pushover?
Dont allow them unsupervised access. Her behaviour is not loving or in any way normal.

HappinessAlwaysAhead · 22/10/2017 17:35

I’ve confronted MIL about things in the past and DH has said that he’d like to handle things from now on. He spoke up before me and I left it to him to deal with. MIL went straight to the toilet as he confronted her and then we left so there was no opportunity for me to get involved before we left. I tried to discuss it civally with DH in the car and he got his back up completely.

OP posts:

PandorasXbox · 22/10/2017 17:36

These threads are annoying.
Just speak up if you’re not happy instead of whinging on here.

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