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AIBU?

Embryos in storage

127 replies

APomInOz · 21/10/2017 11:42

I realise this might not be the right place to post, but also wary of upsetting other parents or people struggling with fertility.
My situation is: 5/6 years ago I had cancer and had to go through chemo, the doctors advised going through part of the IVF process to store my eggs incase the chemo killed all opportunity of having more kids. Info: I had one child who was 8 months old and I was 36 years old. When we went through the process, they took my husbands sperm and found he had a low sperm count and so decided to make embryos for a better chance. I had to get onto the chemo pretty quickly and this was all pretty rushed and I didn't think things through properly, didn't know the right questions to ask and I suppose we just went with what the doctors suggested.
It turned out that I had 15 embryos, which is a lot.
So problem 1: I have been informed that we now need to consider whether we let them "succumb" or keep storing (there is no option for scientific research). Husband and I have now separated so there is definitely no chance to have another baby (we did actually have another one a year after chemo, naturally). I am very upset to let them go, but can't see the point of keeping them. Ex wants to keep them and his reason is - problem 2: If either of our kids (or his two from previous marriage) have problems having kids, there are embryos to help them. I think this is awful and so wrong and I do not want to do this. Please tell me what you think and with reasons, AIBU??

OP posts:

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JustHereForThePooStories · 21/10/2017 11:45

I think your ex is on acid.

2014newme · 21/10/2017 11:45

I thought embryo could only be stored for 5 years? Has he checked that out?
Could you donate them to an infertile couple? That's what I would do having had 4 ivf cycles myself.

JustHereForThePooStories · 21/10/2017 11:46

"Dad, I'm afraid we're having problems conceiving"
"Sorry to hear that son, but here's one I made earlier"

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 21/10/2017 11:47

Would you consider donating them to other couples?

Is it even legal for them to be used by your own children? Would it be genetically legal, I mean?

APomInOz · 21/10/2017 11:51

2014newme I'm sorry that you are struggling, I really hope you have success. This is also something I have thought about but I struggle with that also, if they were just my eggs, I would donate, but as they are embryos I see them as siblings to my two children and giving them to someone else is something I can't do. I'm sorry if that is selfish. But this is also the problem with how I feel about them, they are the siblings to my children, I am now 43 years old, no longer married to the father and no way I can possibly have 15 more children. It's a dilemma that I didn't foresee, such regret - but potentially more regret.

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APomInOz · 21/10/2017 11:52

Oh and we can store for a further 5 years max.

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Newtothis2017 · 21/10/2017 11:52

There is no right or best answer to this. A few tears ago myself and my dh had to have this discussion. In the end we decided to try one more time but would have let them be destroyed if any were left. You have to do what is best for you. I hope you are ok

ChocolateButton15 · 21/10/2017 11:52

Would they even let you give the embryos to your children?! Also could they really be stored for another 10-15 years? I'm not sure I would want my parents embryos even if I had fertility issues. It's complicated but if you don't want to keep them then don't feel like you have to. Realistically if they won't be used it might be easier to let them go sooner rather than later.

Newtothis2017 · 21/10/2017 11:53

Years not tears

Spikeyball · 21/10/2017 11:53

It is very unlikely the embryos would be allowed to be used in the way he is considering. That is even if they are allowed to be kept for that long.

Santawontbelong · 21/10/2017 11:53

Is the option to donate to research likely to change within the five years?

MyDcAreMarvel · 21/10/2017 11:54

If you see them as siblings to your children, then surely better to donate them then have die.

Colinfarrellsarse · 21/10/2017 11:55

Your husband is nuts! No clinic would transfer embryos to your children! They would end up being a parent of their sibling! All 3 of my children were frozen embryos. One of them we spent 5 years agonising over the decision but went back for him in the end. During that time I looked at all options and came across embryo donation. Where you donate them to another couple ( couples)with fertility problems to use. Maybe you could look into this? Your husband would have to consent too though.

MyDcAreMarvel · 21/10/2017 11:56

"Is the option to donate to research likely to change within the five years?"

I would hope not, experiments on embryos is something that should never ever happen.

APomInOz · 21/10/2017 11:56

Sorry, I tried not to drip feed. They will only hold for a further 5 years. And I will definitely not be having any more.
I didn't think about a legal side of our kids having our embryos, I just can't believe that he thinks its a great idea and total fine with it. Eeurgh!

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2014newme · 21/10/2017 11:58

Hi op thanks fir your concern my 4th cycle was successful with twisted who are 9 now!

2014newme · 21/10/2017 11:58

Twins

Frazzled2207 · 21/10/2017 11:58

Your ex is very weird to think that his suggestion is ok.
I get your reasons for not wanting to donate.

In your circumstances I would try and store for another 5 years, things will likely be clearer at that point including, possibly, the law. I suspect the best thing to do is let them “go” for want of a better term, either now or defer the decision for five years.

Must be difficult though

Colinfarrellsarse · 21/10/2017 11:59

Sorry I see you dont want to donate. You dont really have any other options so then keep storing ( for no reason and at your expense) or let them thaw. Ive heard some people have planted a tree and put the liquid ( embryos) in the soil.

2014newme · 21/10/2017 12:00

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BeeFarseer · 21/10/2017 12:02

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APomInOz · 21/10/2017 12:03

2014 - congratulations! Love happy news.

Thank you all. I guess the biggest question was about my ex husbands idea, he's putting a spanner in the works about letting them succumb as he wants to keep them. Husband and I only separated a year so it's a stressful time and now this on top.

Thanks to all

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Frazzled2207 · 21/10/2017 12:04

On the donation front, I get your reasons but perhaps your children would prefer them to have a chance at a life with another family rather than be destroyed? Just a thought, don’t mean to offend anyone. Appreciate they will be too young to understand now but possibly not in 5 years?

I’m not saying it’s their decision but I think the decision does impact them.

BeeFarseer · 21/10/2017 12:05

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

APomInOz · 21/10/2017 12:08

Thanks Bee, I should have seen that coming. That's why I didn't post in parenting or the like.

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