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Selectively anti-social colleague

(88 Posts)
overun Thu 12-Oct-17 09:45:29

Does anyone else have to put up with a selectively anti-social work colleague?

I’ve been struggling with one for over a year. She talks only to those above her. The manager, boss etc. I’m on the same level as her work wise but she sees me as nothing, not worth talking to or looking at, it makes working with her uncomfortable and difficult.

AIBU to complain about this? How do I do it without it sounding petty?

Silverthorn Thu 12-Oct-17 09:47:38

Why does it bother you. She's a brown noser just leave her to it. Or get promoted and wait for her to start sucking up to you.

Ttbb Thu 12-Oct-17 09:50:06

She's there to work, not to socialise. I suggest that you do the same.

Nettletheelf Thu 12-Oct-17 09:51:48

If you complain, you will sound petty and precious. She's an arse, but what do you hope to achieve by complaining? What crime (in the HR sense!) has she committed?

SparklyLeprechaun Thu 12-Oct-17 09:53:26

Is she actually struggling socially so not talking to her peers but can't avoid talking to her superiors? Then I have some sympathy for her. Otherwise, if you can't do your job effectively because of lack of communication, bring it up with her and your line manager. If it doesn't impact your work, let it go and talk to someone else, no one needs to socialise at work.

Trills Thu 12-Oct-17 09:53:32

Does she not speak to you even when she needs to in order to get work done?

Or is she just not friendly?

You don't like her, do even you want her to chat to you?

Feckitall Thu 12-Oct-17 10:06:10

I'm on the fence here OP..--splinters up arse-- What are the expectations in your workplace? One place I worked in I kept myself to myself generally, just got on with job (manager training so a lot to learn and conscious of not being 'matey' but 'managerial' having been told I needed to project an authority) only to be pulled in office and asked if I had any friends there and that they felt I would fail as I didn't have good enough social skills confused
I'm now a manager elsewhere!

LindyHemming Thu 12-Oct-17 10:08:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lanaorana2 Thu 12-Oct-17 10:12:25

You will sound deranged and spiteful if you complain. Look for friends elsewhere.

MaidOfStars Thu 12-Oct-17 10:12:27

AIBU to complain about this?
<ignoring her motivation for not speaking to you>

Yes, very unreasonable. What outcome are you hoping for? That her manager tells her to allocate five minutes a day to asking how your dog is? grin

overun Thu 12-Oct-17 10:16:59

It does affect my work, communication isn’t optional in our role. This woman treats me like I’m invisible, talks to people stood next to me but not me. If left together in a room she doesn’t acknowledge me in any way, I’ve tested it, over an hour and then someone walks in and it’s as if she suddenly wakes up and chats away with the other person, I see how petty it sounds but it is very isolating it’s made me think there’s something wrong with me, I’ve questioned everything, there isn’t an obvious reason for her treating me so differently. I dread going in now.

brownfang Thu 12-Oct-17 10:21:36

I have a colleague I can go weeks without speaking to. She makes so little effort to be sociable that I don't bother (and nor does she). At least in her better moments she admits she doesn't like people (any people).

It sounds like you're taking this personally when it's really your colleague who is unfriendly; you can't change her. Focus on your job & being completely professional in your contact with her & do not let yourself give a damn what she might privately think of you.

Liiinoo Thu 12-Oct-17 10:22:34

What Euphemia said.

Or maybe she is just an arse. Either way you are better off without her. Just ignore her and get on with your day.

Raizel Thu 12-Oct-17 10:27:42

This is such a non issue. She doesn’t have to talk to you and if you have to communicate about work then you go straight to her talk about the work and then that’s it. She doesn’t have to socialise after all I assume your not getting paid to socialise?!

On the other hand have you thought maybe she just doesnt like you? It sucks but not everyone in life will just handle it professionally and socialise with your actual friends outside of work. I don’t get the big problem here!

guilty100 Thu 12-Oct-17 10:27:54

I think you're getting a rough time here for no apparent reason.

Of course it's bad of her not to acknowledge and speak to you. Work colleagues owe each other basic politeness, and ignoring someone is rude. I don't care whether she likes you or not - it's immaterial in the workplace. You do the chat, get along with everyone in a professional fashion (even if that means five minutes being less than riveted by stories about their totally average kids), and make the environment a decent place for everyone to be. I wouldn't want to employ or work with someone who couldn't do this.

I think ignoring you totally, if you have to communicate for work, is a professional issue. And a personal one too - it can be a type of bullying.

CockacidalManiac Thu 12-Oct-17 10:31:39

She's there to work, not to socialise. I suggest that you do the same

We’re not all drones.

I can see where you’re coming from, OP. We spend a lot of time at work, and unpleasant co-workers can make us feel shit. I’m not sure what you can do, though; the best approach may that be to get as far away from her as possible. I don’t think complaining will get you anywhere.

CockacidalManiac Thu 12-Oct-17 10:32:59

It sounds like you're taking this personally when it's really your colleague who is unfriendly; you can't change her. Focus on your job & being completely professional in your contact with her & do not let yourself give a damn what she might privately think of you.

There’s truth here, but it’s difficult if you’re a friendly type.

Zippydoodah Thu 12-Oct-17 10:37:20

She sounds awful. I had one send me to Coventry once and I got so pissed off I just asked her if she could hear me. She had to answer me then. It's a form of bullying, isn't it, and I don't think YABU to raise it with her superiors as it creates a hell of an atmosphere and it's embarrassing for colleagues, too.

bertsdinner Thu 12-Oct-17 10:39:27

If it's just you she ignores then I think that it is an issue, excluding and isolating one person isn't on.
If she is just generally anti social except with her superiors I dont think there's much you can do. There are a couple of people like this where I work, they are friendly enough with the managers but just blank everyone else, no eye contact, nothing. They are, however, the same with everyone, not just one person.

overun Thu 12-Oct-17 10:40:19

I’m not trying to be her friend, I want to be treated the same as she treats everyone else. I understand we all come across people we don’t like but you just get on with it and conduct yourself in a professional manner, she is not acting professionally and our code of conduct states that all adults must be treated with fairness and equality.

CockacidalManiac Thu 12-Oct-17 10:43:16

It might be worth having an informal word with your manager; you mention a code of conduct, are you a nurse?
If I was your manager, and someone came to me saying that the approach of an unfriendly colleague was causing me stress (and that I felt singled out), I’d want to know and do something about it.

sandgrown Thu 12-Oct-17 10:45:32

Well said Cockacidal. I would hate to work with Ttbb. We often spend more time with work colleagues than partners so it's good if we can get along. I would not complain though.

OnlyParentsAreReal Thu 12-Oct-17 10:45:46

Maybe she just doesn't like you. She isn't being payed to be your friend

TheBusThatCouldntSlowDown Thu 12-Oct-17 10:48:53

Have you tried warmly greeting her in front of witnesses? Then she will be forced to either acknowledge you or ignore you, thus showing herself to be a dick.

Narnia72 Thu 12-Oct-17 10:49:25

That sounds really hard OP, I think you've been given a bit of a rough ride with some of the responses.

Is there anyone else on your level and if so, does she behave like that towards them? How much professional contact do you need to have, and does she respond to that?

If you have a friendly HR manager, I would be having a chat with them - not to make a complaint, but you need help dealing with this. There may be things they can do to help the situation, physically move people around perhaps, and at least you've flagged it.

Work isn't a social club, but it's horribly isolating and demotivating when someone won't even speak to you. I think everyone has a right to a basic level of courtesy.

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