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AIBU?

To not have given him a chance

100 replies

CaptainCabinets · 12/04/2017 10:17

Hi all, posting here mainly for traffic.

I moved in with my partner of four years for the first time 2 weeks ago. I was horrendously nervous about our future even when signing the lease but did it anyway. Fast forward a week, I broke down and ended the relationship on Sunday because I didn't feel happy, then changed my mind on Monday and asked him to come back after work to talk. He went to the pub with his friends and showed up at 11pm to talk; I asked him to leave.

We've lived together barely two weeks, should I give things a try? I adore him but I'm very unhappy about a lot of things.

OP posts:

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Wando1986 · 12/04/2017 10:22

If you're like this now then no, it wont work. End the lease and split up. Doubts at that point in time are not a good sign at all. Neither is him going to the pub with his mates when you asked him to come over.

CaptainCabinets · 12/04/2017 10:43

12mth lease that we can't get out of. I don't know what to do :(

OP posts:

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 12/04/2017 10:44

Let him go and find a lodger. .

ThePigletatwork · 12/04/2017 10:45

I don't really blame him for going to the pub with his mates.
He must be very hurt and confused.

You sound all over the place OP

CaptainCabinets · 12/04/2017 10:51

I AM all over the place!

OP posts:

VladmirsPoutine · 12/04/2017 10:52

This isn't going to work. Find a housemate and let him go. For your sanity as well as his.
These on/off relationships never work and have the added glory of breaking someone down till they're worn out from the drama and exhaustion of it all.
You might want to consider staying single for a while until you've worked a bit on yourself.

ThePigletatwork · 12/04/2017 10:54

Perhaps you were just overwhelmed by the 'moving in together' bit.
You say that you love him. If he still wants to be with you, perhaps you can just remain dating and see how it goes?

Rainydayspending · 12/04/2017 10:57

I'd usually expect some moving stress to leak out. But to be so anxious over the lease (not excited about the future). I'd back off now. It doesn't sound promising.

CaptainCabinets · 12/04/2017 10:59

It really is overwhelming; I'm terrified. We've gone from long-distance for the past 18 months to suddenly living under the same roof.

Our relationship just became a little bit stale; we don't have sex anymore (his choice, not mine) and he doesn't make me feel special in other ways although he tells me he loves me daily, which is why I was so upset when he didn't turn up on Monday.

I do want to be with him but I also need to know that he will change the things I don't like.

OP posts:

CaptainCabinets · 12/04/2017 11:02

I do suffer quite badly with anxiety and depression so I'm not sure if my own demons are clouding my judgement of the relationship.

OP posts:

PaintingOwls · 12/04/2017 11:04

OP are you always like this? Do you find yourself anxious and over-reacting and changing your mind often?

CaptainCabinets · 12/04/2017 11:07

Yes, unfortunately. I'm having a pretty fucking anxious period at the moment; I've got all this to deal with as well as starting uni, a new job, moving to a new area and some health issues which are currently under investigation. I feel like I'm at breaking point.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 12/04/2017 11:08

Fast forward a week, I broke down and ended the relationship on Sunday because I didn't feel happy, then changed my mind on Monday and asked him to come back after work to talk.

Did you ask him to leave or did he offer of his own accord?

ThePigletatwork · 12/04/2017 11:08

Don't move in with somebody who doesn't want to have sex with you.
It won't get better, and you're entitled to a sex life.

I would let him go and look elsewhere.

Crispbutty · 12/04/2017 11:10

"I do want to be with him but I also need to know that he will change the things I don't like."

Tricky one. Either you love him for who he is and you accept you will not like everything or you try to change him which will backfire.

You can't have it all on your terms only, and dumping him then changing your mind the next day is grossly unfair on him too. He probably made you wait while he got his head together a bit.

It doesn't look good for the future to be honest. Who is the one that has moved from long distance?

CaptainCabinets · 12/04/2017 11:10

He offered because he had somewhere to go back to; I don't. All his stuff is still here, I've been sleeping in the bed he brought with him so I don't know what the hell he's sleeping on.

OP posts:

CaptainCabinets · 12/04/2017 11:15

I didn't just end it out of the blue, he is aware of what was making me unhappy yet no effort has been made to change anything.

OP posts:

PinkHeart59156816 · 12/04/2017 11:19

So you ended it then expected him to come running over when you wanted to talk despite the fact you ended the relationship. I would of gone to the the pub with my friends to tbh, in an adult relationship you can't say your dumped then change your mind 24 hours later!

Seriously if your not happy then leave the relationship ended. Also you can't change someone you either love them for what they are or not be with them

CaptainCabinets · 12/04/2017 11:23

Thanks for your incredibly condescending response, PinkHeart

OP posts:

EdithWeston · 12/04/2017 11:31

You might not like the tone of Pinkheart's post, but it's describing a perfectly reasonable way of looking at it.

I think this relationship sounds doomed, and the best thing you can do now is to find a way to repair your finances. Does the lease allow you to have a lodger? Do you have space for one?

plimsolls · 12/04/2017 11:35

I think it would help if you listed the things about the relationship which are upsetting you.

That might help us give advice. There's a big difference between disliking e.g someone's dress sense/hobbies/relationship with hygiene to disliking the fact they ignore you/don't come home when they said they will/make belittling comments about your appearance.

Renaissance2017 · 12/04/2017 11:36

Pinkheart is spot on. You've treated him abysmally.

You have things you're worried about, but that doesn't give you the right to treat someone badly.

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GemmaWella81 · 12/04/2017 11:38

I would've made you wait to...

Fucking with someone's feelings is twattish. You can't dump someone and expect them come running when you change your mind.... (most obvious statement of the year)

CaptainCabinets · 12/04/2017 11:44

Things that upset me:

The sex thing. I sort of know why but he won't do anything about it, yet he watches porn. Porn doesn't bother me (I watch it too) but when our sex life is compromised as a result, that's not on.

He didn't ring me on my birthday this year, or even give me a card.

He's a bit of a man-child, doesn't seem to want to learn how to 'adult'.

He would rather sit and amuse himself than chat to me, he puts his earphones in and paints yet if I sit and scroll through my phone while I wait for him to finish, that's apparently not okay.

I just don't feel special to him anymore. He knows this yet continues to do it. I don't think I've treated him poorly at all; on Sunday I addressed the above issues with him and instead of actually talking about them with me, he wouldn't listen.

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iLoveCamelCase · 12/04/2017 11:48

Sorry have to agree. YABU. From what I understand, you agreed to him moving to be with you, signed a lease with him despite misgivings, dumped him then summoned him to talk when you 'changed your mind.' And now you seem to be trying to justify your behaviour by referring to your anxiety and depression and other recent changes or stresses. None of these things make your treatment of him ok. Neither of you should have agreed to moving in together in these circumstances. It is all a bit of a mess and you need to take control of your own actions and behaviour instead of allowing fear and insecurity to control you. Good luck.

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