AIBU not to answer the 'how many others' question?(109 Posts)
Name change for this thread as it's a bit personal
So basically I've just started seeing someone new and as part of the getting to know each other conversation he asked how many other people I've slept with.
I don't really know what a normal number is but I know my number is pretty high compared to my closest friends so I wasn't comfortable telling him
So I told him I wasn't going to answer that and he pushed a bit then left it so I thought that was the end of it. Then last night he asked again. I said I thought we had already had that conversation and he said so it's that many is it?
I don't know if I should of told him or not what do people think?
Have people been in a similar situation and what did you do?
What is a normal number or a high number?
Should I be worried he even asked or is that quite normal?
If he asks again, ask him why He wants to know?
Or just tell him it's 5472
Yes, I think it's an age thing.
And there is no 'right' number - whatever you say will require context, which is a whole other conversation.
I would expect him to respect you and your decision not to have this conversation.
And you're 19? Get rid of him and find another lad that isn't as immature!
19 and worried about whether her sex life is normal, all because this douchebag of a boyfriend has got her thinking there's a problem.
Ugh. If he presses this issue, then I would break up with him. You don't need a man shaming you and making you feel bad. You don't have to justify yourself to anyone.
No bother xxx
The only time I ever think about the eleventy billion women DH might have slept with, is to thank each and every one of them for making him so cracking in the sack. And that's as it should be.
Good luck OP, fuck this shit, doll x
I have been asked this question in the past, and I felt comfortable answering it, because I didn't feel pushed into answering. I've also asked previous partners what their 'number' was. At the time I didn't think much about asking - I guess I was just curious. Now (mid 30s) if I was single and dating, it wouldn't occur to me to ask. It's irrelevant. I have many friends who have slept with one person, most seem to have slept with 10 or fewer, but a fair few are into 20s/30s plus. My DH told me his number was 30 something. We both went for STI tests before we had unprotected sex (i realise it would have been sensible to do that before we had sex at all, but that ship had sailed!).
Your new partner seems insecure to be pushing it. Pushing any topic/question is unattractive, and it'd make me wonder what he'd be like 6 months down the line, about other stuff. He should have respected your decision not to answer the question. Maybe you're the first person he's slept with? I lost my virginity at 17 and I remember feeling quite upset about the fact that my then boyfriend (19) had already slept with two or three girls. It seemed important at the time. Obviously looking back, I can see that his number was irrelevant.
Good luck OP. Trust your gut instinct about this man.
The number doesn't matter. The fact that he's pushing for an answer and is no doubt going to judge you by that answer does matter. You could ask him why it's so important to him. I'd be really concerned about the fact that he's asked again. He either accepts you as you are or you end it.
The pushiness is a bit worrying.
DH asked me this while we were still in the getting to know each other phase. I told him I didn't know the total but it was definitely one at a time.
He laughed, told me his number and it's never been brought up again in 7 years. If he had pushed for my information without being willing to share his that would be a red flag for me.
A friend of mine answered this question honestly and it has blighted her life ever since. Met her now DH at Uni. She had had what I call a normal sex life for a woman of her age when they got married. She had had 15 lovers when she went to uni (and a couple whilst there). Shortly after getting married her DH asked her and she told him, knowing he had only had the one GF he had at Uni before he got together with her. They had a big ding dong over it and he has used it against her throughout their marriage. She has had the choice to retaliate by taking the piss out of him for only ever having had the one but she is better than that. It has caused her a lot of grief over the years. Pathetic really.
I would ask him why he wanted to know. What does he need that particular information and hasn't asked you how many times you have been on holiday, or if you have owned many cats.
This is your personal business and you don't have to share it. Many of us tell fibs about this - traditionally men exaggerate and women underestimate, why not ask him first? Then halve the amount for yourself if you think it matters to him.
This is the 21st century and it really shouldn't matter but old-fashioned men will be put off by a woman who's had more partners than they've had. So lie through your teeth then change the subject.
Or tell him to mind his own business.
You could so take the piss. I would start going through names, Aron, Andy, Alvin, Abraham, Arthur, Alexander etc. Tell him it may be a while until you get to Zeke and Zebadiah.
I told my Partner,
He didn't actually want to know but my ex had really used it against me so I decided to tell him at the start so he could decide if it was a problem and if it was we could end things.
I don't known if that's how I would handle it again but I think my point is I chose to say- he never asked.
The guy who asked was a controlling bully and didn't deserve to know.
Dame yes she is. She married him in haste really as he has a lot of other issues that had she know about, she would have given it all a swerve. Once pregnant though and two DC later she has stuck it out. From the outside they look like they have everything but the reality is far from this.
I was asked this question by an ex, many years ago. I was 21 and he was 31. being young and naive I told him (it was 4) and he used it as a stick to beat me with for the next year or so. Even though his 'number' was much higher. Red flag!
I've never discussed this topic with anyone else, even DP after 17 years.
It can go either way, but unless in the midst of a deep soulful conversation, it's something normally only a nosy git or guy with confidence issues will ask.
The next questions will be 'who was the best' & 'is my cock bigger'...
If he's immature enough for it to matter (and it clearly does to him or he wouldn't be asking) he is immature to tell other people
when if you break up.
It shouldn't be an issue and it certainly isn't something that is anyone else's business but yours, unless you choose to share.
Red flags for me. He failed to respect your boundaries by pushing the question and then instead of accepting the answer turned it into something to make a bad comment about.
He's probably one of those insecure controlling types that can't stand you had a life before them or who thinks you will be comparing performances. You're supposed to be in the honeymoon phase of your relationship and he's looking for sticks to beat you with.
If he asked again I would dump him with the comment
I'm not telling you the answer but I'm starting to think it's one too many... bye!
I remember talking to DH about our "numbers" when we first got together - but we were 18 and 20, so it seemed a pretty normal thing to ask at the start of a relationship at that age. If I was to start seeing someone else now, I would find it really odd for them to ask, especially as I've been with the same person for such a long time.
I think it's a rude invasive question and he's asked it twice!
My stock answer would be "none of your business" or "I'm not answering that, it's nothing to do with you"
The fact he seems a bit fixated on it is a worry.
If you have had unprotected sex your sexual history is a matter of great importance to him.. as is his sexual history to you.
Then it comes down to how you live your life. If you have enjoyed shagging lots of people, it may indicate a vey healthy sex drive and huge confidence to act on it or the exact opposite and a need to offer sex in return for company and being liked. Then what does he want. Does he want a simple fuck buddy or a committed relationship? And what do you want? Have you sowed your wild oats and now want a good harvest? Or are you still looking for Mr Right? From his perspective, if you are still looking, he is concened not to invest too much emotion in case he is not Mr Right.
OTOH, he could just be very insecure and scared by the idea of a sexually confident woman. (PS, you do sound very confident).
What a dumb question. I think I would turn it around on him and say 'why is it so important to you to know?'
What do you want the answer to be? '0, 10, 100, less than you, more than you...
I really have no idea and that's because it depends on the definition. On Tracey Emin's famous tent entitled 'everyone I ever slept with' everyone assumed they were sexual partners but many were platonic and from childhood.
If a man asked me I'd have to spend time thinking does he mean relationships? One night stands? Just PIV or anything else? Men or women? Only those who slept the night or does heavy petting in a car count!
I suspect the answer he wants is 'a few but none of them were as good as you big boy'
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