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To want my mum to prioritise me?

(90 Posts)
JustCallMeAnna Fri 17-Mar-17 09:20:37

My sister's wife is jealous of how well my sister and I get on. Since they married she has increasingly alienated her from me. Before they married we all got on okay but SIL was a bit off with my mum and dad. Nothing major.

I think this might be one of those things that sometimes happens when people marry? Whilst they find their feet as a couple? Who knows? Anyway She should be my sisters primary concern as they are married, live together and last year had a child together. Of course my sister should put her first.
But not at the expense of everything else.

I've not seen the baby (have sent gifts etc) as they live a few hours drive away and come over here every couple of weeks.
Every time they come over since the baby came most of my family (parents and one other sibling) hide this from me as they don't want to create tension (!) my sister keeps saying not to bother going over as they will bring the baby to see me next time they are down but never do.

To clarify-we have NEVER had an actual falling out or even an argument

My own mum is scared that SiL will not let her see the baby so panders to her every whim including leaving me out of family celebrations so that they can come and lying by omission to my face.

It hurts and I just want to block them all out of my life. It's making me so bloody sad all the time. I have my own lovely little family and am quite a non confrontational person by nature so haven't had this out with my parents although they know how I feel because I have mentioned how odd I think it all is.

AIBU to think that I would be better off backing away from them all for my own mental health?

PodgeBod Fri 17-Mar-17 09:25:42

How horrid. They've become comfortable treating you badly because they know you won't say anything. Tbh I think the time has come to kick up a fuss because if ds and sil want to cut you out that's their decision, but the rest of the family should stick up for you.
flowers I would be heartbroken if my family did this to me.

Sassypants82 Fri 17-Mar-17 09:27:48

This is really, really odd. I would have a frank conversation with your sister tbh. Your SIL obviously has an issue with you, you need to get to the root of why.

Nocabbageinmyeye Fri 17-Mar-17 09:36:04

God that sounds awful. I sit my parents down and talk to them, explain it as you have here, how hurtful. Are you close to your other sibling?

PodgeBod Fri 17-Mar-17 09:40:03

Op do you have children? Are they being excluded from family events on your sister in laws whim as well?

Bluntness100 Fri 17-Mar-17 09:40:44

Well I don't think your mum should prioritise you over her other daughter and her grandchild no, but I do think she should treat you all equally.

However I don't think this is your mums fault. There is clearly an issue there. You must know deeep down what that issue is. Did you say something about her, about her pregnancy , her baby that may have alienated? I'd speak to your sister and find out the issue here as clearly it's something your family understand and know about so it's unusual that you don't.

JustCallMeAnna Fri 17-Mar-17 09:43:57

Yes, I am close to my other sibling but there's another family celebration date this weekend and so they (and my parents) are effectively avoiding me (ignoring texts/calls) probably so that they don't have to admit to having planned to do anything!

I sound so paranoid and crazed! My husband is furious and can see exactly what they are doing but says that I need to just say how I feel instead of letting them do this.

JustCallMeAnna Fri 17-Mar-17 09:47:48

I've spoken with my sister Bluntness-she says that there's no issue. We genuinely got on fine before.

I think we are all quite non confrontational so we've all just ignored what was happening.

Yes, I have children who are also not invited.

Underthemoonlight Fri 17-Mar-17 09:51:33

I would cut contact with all of them. As a mother I would never put one of my dcs partner above my other child.

Chloe84 Fri 17-Mar-17 09:53:34

Ues, as *PodgeBod says, they are willing to upset you as they think you will accept it.

I would have a calm discussion about it and if things don't change, I would not be bothering about a sister and parents that treat me this way.

Your SIL is a bitch. flowers

Skooba Fri 17-Mar-17 09:54:30

I think you must have had a role of some sort in the family e.g. Littlest one who needs to be looked after ( thus a bit of a nuisance) or something similarly unflattering. Either that or DSis is the golden child and everyone wants to be on her side/ or she is difficult and they must humour her (at your expense).
I think this is a horrible way to treat you , I would be devastated at being so uosupported. It could just be the new wife 's jealousy but I think there is more to it because why do they all go along with it.
Some counselling might help you get to the bottom of it, but you also need to tell them all how hurt you are ( which I'm sure they must already know)

OhisHOME Fri 17-Mar-17 09:54:43

Be blunt with your sister and Mum and say unless this is resolved you'll be going NC with all of them they can't pick & choose when you are part of their family

aaaaargghhhhelpme Fri 17-Mar-17 09:57:32

Your mums avoiding your calls?! Because she doesn't want to admit she'll be meeting family - and you're not invited. God. That's just crazy. flowers
I see you've tried talking. I would give it one last shot and then cut them out. I don't say that lightly. But I think for your sanity - and for your dc who are probably wondering what the hells going on - I think you're better off out.
So sorry

aaaaargghhhhelpme Fri 17-Mar-17 09:59:02

Ps - your husband sounds a good 'un! Furious is what I'd be too. Does he have any family nearby?!

Bluntness100 Fri 17-Mar-17 10:01:50

There clearly is an issue though. It's one thing for your sister to not admit it as that makes it real, but another thing entirely for everyone to be ignoring you. Your parents won't even answer your calls?

Fishface77 Fri 17-Mar-17 10:02:46

Your family sound awful!
I would tell them you know exactly what is going on and you understand but that you won't tolerate being cut out of family occasions and you and your family being treated like second class citizens.
Take action from their response. It's all too easy to say go NC and cut people but it's difficult to do.

ToffeeForEveryone Fri 17-Mar-17 10:03:40

Be blunt with your sister and Mum and say unless this is resolved you'll be going NC with all of them they can't pick & choose when you are part of their family

^ This, and not said lightly. What a horrible situation for you, it must be so upsetting. I couldn't put myself through that, I'd have to go NC if it continued.

ThomasandFriends Fri 17-Mar-17 10:06:45

What's the occasion this weekend? If it's not related to your DSis family but wider than that (ie not your DSis birthday but your brother's for example) then I would head over there anyway. You have as much right to be there are they have. Take a present and head over at a time you reckon they'll be there. Don't go in all guns blazing, just act normal and see what happens.

pictish Fri 17-Mar-17 10:09:36

"Every time they come over since the baby came most of my family (parents and one other sibling) hide this from me as they don't want to create tension (!)"

Why would there be tension? There must be a reason they said this.
I'm not saying you have created or would bring any tension...just seems quite a plain statement to make. If there has been no argument or fall out, why would they say that?

It all sounds very hurtful...and utterly baffling.

PodgeBod Fri 17-Mar-17 10:12:54

I agree with bluntness that your family does know what the issue is. After all the response to "we don't want Anna there" is "why not?".
Tbh your family don't sound non-confrontational, they sound toxic. No way is your sister innocent in this.

pictish Fri 17-Mar-17 10:13:00

"My own mum is scared that SiL will not let her see the baby so panders to her every whim including leaving me out of family celebrations so that they can come and lying by omission to my face."

Again I'm confused. Why would your sister stop your mum seeing the baby? Why does your mum fear this? Why does your mum feel compelled to pander to her by leaving you out? Why would your sister want you left out?

pennycann1 Fri 17-Mar-17 10:15:15

I can totally sympathise, my SIL has stopped my wife and I seeing our niece (her step-daughter) since she married my BIL- we were very close before and supported him. My MIL and FIL pander to SIL in case she stops them seeing the GC. Although not as bad as your situation as we have been at family functions together and we ignore each other. I hope you get some resolution especially as it is straining relations with your whole family.

pictish Fri 17-Mar-17 10:15:58

And where does her wife come in to all this?

diddl Fri 17-Mar-17 10:17:14

It sounds as if they have already cut you out tbh.

Presumably you are getting the info from your other sibling but they aren't in a position to invite you?

What have they said to the family about your lack of invitation?

If you don't have children & are planning to, do you think there would then be a sudden rush of interest in you from your mum?

TheAntiBoop Fri 17-Mar-17 10:18:04

So she is so afraid of losing contact with one grandchild that she is behaving in a way that may mean she loses contact with her other grandchildren?

I would be very blunt with your parents

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