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AIBU?

.....about this situation?

88 replies

LaContessaDiPlump · 12/03/2017 10:59

Please tell me if IABU, because I'm honestly not sure.

Years ago I was engaged to a guy who turned out to be a cheating idiot. I broke off the engagement, but stayed loosely in touch with his family as they are lovely people. His mum in particular had been engaged to one or two others before she met his dad, so she understood the sadness of losing touch with potential extended family when engagements end.; she was as keen to stay in touch as me.

Years pass, and now I'm married with two DC. Two years ago we made a day trip to visit them (just ex's parents) in a town far away, and DH was alright with it alothough privately commenting that it felt a bit weird. He got on well with them though, chatting and such. We all had a nice day.

Now it's two years later, and the building works on their new place have finished. We were invited to drive over and spend a night in the flat attached to their home, as it's a long way to drive there and back in one day. I consulted DH and he agreed to it with no quibble. I've been looking forward to it.

Today he announced that he's talked to his friends and actually it's a bit odd and weird and so he doesn't want to go. I angrily said 'Well stay here then' and he said 'Fine, I will'. I shouldn't have snapped, but I'm upset at the situation he's put me in. I don't want to cancel and think it would be rude to cancel at such short notice (it's next week). DH and I haven't been getting on very well recently anyway and this just feels like another nail in the coffin for me.

I'd be grateful for opinions on how to proceed from here please. I would be equally grateful if the 'Oh I could NEVER stay in touch with my ex's parents; that's SO weird' brigade could kindly keep their opinions to themselves, as clearly we differ on that point.

Thanks all.

OP posts:

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AgentProvocateur · 12/03/2017 11:06

Go and have a lovely time with your DC, and tell your ex's mum your DP had to work unexpectedly. Then have a think about whether you want to be with such a childish partner for the rest of your life.

Trifleorbust · 12/03/2017 11:07

The 'brigade' would be the same people you just asked to tell you honestly if YABU, wouldn't they?

showmeislands · 12/03/2017 11:08

YANBU. It's unusual but certainly not weird or unreasonable, and actually quite lovely that you still have a relationship with them. Go without him and have a lovely time.

ImissTerry · 12/03/2017 11:09

I think that because it has been so long those people have gone from being 'ex's parents' to friends. He needs to get over himself.

MeDented · 12/03/2017 11:09

He needs to realise you just see these people as friends, not your exs parents, you just happened to meet them through an ex

Annesmyth123 · 12/03/2017 11:09

I can understand you wanting to stay in touch, but I can understand why your DP feels,weird about it - if I was him I'd want to stay at home too. Be happy for you to go. I just would feel dead awkward.

EastMidsMummy · 12/03/2017 11:10

It is a bit weird, as in unusual.

Your husband's feelings shouldn't stop you from going, but perhaps he doesn't get why you would want to stay in touch with these people. For him, the most significant thing you have in common is your ex.

HookandSwan · 12/03/2017 11:11

My boyfriend saw his ex girlfriends Mum on a train a few months ago. They had a nice chat, I don't see the problem I think it's nice.

LaContessaDiPlump · 12/03/2017 11:11

Ok, I should clarify:

I would like Mumsnet in general to tell me if I'm being unreasonable.

HOWEVER: If individual members find that they are so blinded by the notion of keeping in touch with one's ex's family that they simply cannot comment objectively, then it would probably be a waste of time for them to comment. Therefore I'd prefer if they didn't.

Those who find the concept bizarre but can get past it and pass objective comment are welcomed, even if they do think IABU.

OP posts:

ElspethFlashman · 12/03/2017 11:11

They're not your exes parents - they are your FRIENDS.

We come across our friends in all sorts of ways and through all sorts of connections.

Go without him.

ZilphasHatpin · 12/03/2017 11:12

I would be equally grateful if the 'Oh I could NEVER stay in touch with my ex's parents; that's SO weird' brigade could kindly keep their opinions to themselves, as clearly we differ on that point.

So why on earth did you post asking if you were being UR when you only want those who agree with you to respond?

Annesmyth123 · 12/03/2017 11:12

Go. Take the kids. Leave DH at home.

I think you'd be unreasonable to make him go - he's the replacement to their son and he feels weird about it and I don't think that's,unreasonable I'd feel the same.

coolaschmoola · 12/03/2017 11:13

I don't think there is any issue with you being friends with an exes family, but I also don't think your current DH should be required to be involved.

In his shoes I would have zero issue with my OH going - but I wouldn't want to go and wouldn't. Why would I?

MooCahnt · 12/03/2017 11:13

You just want people to say YANBU. I think you are.

LaContessaDiPlump · 12/03/2017 11:13

I must admit I've been wondering how I would feel if he took me to meet his ex's family. I think I'd be quite happy! Mind you his ex-wife came to our wedding (with my wholehearted approval) so I may be unusual here.

Basically I'm annoyed that he was fine with it until his friends piped up and now he's not fine. What is he, 14?

OP posts:

TheUpsideDown · 12/03/2017 11:14

I think your DP needs to look at it from a different angle. They're not your exes parents any more, they're your friends. And mutual friends at that, because they have been welcoming of your DP and DC. And you've previously had a nice time with them... presuming the friends weren't reminiscing about you being with their son and making your DP uncomfortable?

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 12/03/2017 11:15

I don't think it's weird for YOU to stay in touch with them - you like them, and they like you - but I can kind of see why DH is uncomfortable with it. Therefore, you go - you sound like you need the break anyway - but don't try to persuade him. Look at it from his point of view - they like you enough to have maintained contact, possibly wish things had been different and you were their DIL, so he's bound to feel a bit judged, even if they never mention it. After all, they're going to love their own DS more than your husband!

Mungobungo · 12/03/2017 11:15

The 'brigade' would be the same people you just asked to tell you honestly if YABU, wouldn't they?

I thought this too.

OP I know that you don't want the brigade, BUT putting your relationships into context:

You're planning to stay with someone with whom you have a distant relationship and a link with someone whom you're no longer in contact with which is making the other person within your closest relationship massively uncomfortable.
If the shoe were on the other foot, how would you feel?

Would you go and stay with the family of DH's ex girlfriend/fiancée?

And how would you feel if your DH chose an ex's family over your feelings and needs?

Ultimately, your relationship with the ex'a family is inappropriate because your dh is uncomfortable with it. If you can't see that and respect your DH's feelings on the matter, then yes, YABU. If your dh were ok with it, then fair enough, but he's not and ignoring that speaks volumes

LaContessaDiPlump · 12/03/2017 11:16

Well obvs I want people to say IANBU I do think that there must be people out there who would think IABU even if they don't think the starting concept is weird though.

However, I hear what you're saying; it's silly to request that people not comment. Please comment away, therefore.

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Trifleorbust · 12/03/2017 11:16

Those who find the concept bizarre but can get past it and pass objective comment are welcomed, even if they do think IABU.

But those people 'getting past it' would be saying what, exactly? It's weird but YANBU? Well, what if they honestly think it is unreasonable to do this?

Annesmyth123 · 12/03/2017 11:16

Maybe he didn't want to say?

I struggled with verbalising discomfort to DP because my ex was avusive and I'd agree to stuff to keep the peace because I had no idea what a normal relationship was,like, and it was ok for me to say no I don't want to do that.

(Not saying you are abusive just explaining how I felt)

LoveDeathPrizes · 12/03/2017 11:17

Okay. So no objections. That leaves me with, YANBU? I don't know why you're asking for input.

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LaContessaDiPlump · 12/03/2017 11:17

I don't think it was making him massively uncomfortable until his friends mentioned they thought it was odd, though! Talk about easily led....

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 12/03/2017 11:17

Sorry, cross-post.

Fair enough. I think your partner is right to be a bit weirded out. However, he can't stop you going and it would be the mature thing for him to just go, unless there is a back story re the ex that isn't made explicit here.

LaContessaDiPlump · 12/03/2017 11:19

I don't know why you're asking for input.

Because I feel guilty about being determined to still go and was wondering if maybe I ought to go 'Oh dear, D&V, so sorry' and put it off to another time. I was wondering if I'm just being a right dick here. MN is usually helpful for establishing dickishness

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