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AIBU?

AIBU ....

78 replies

GREATAUNT1 · 28/01/2017 19:01

to expect an invite to my stepsons home? Him, his partner, & 2 kids visit us about once a fortnight, I make cups of tea, feed them, & run round after the kids, they spend about 6 hours here. If we ask to visit them they make excuses, like the house is a mess. Stepson even said that he hated visitors a few weeks ago, well so do I! I'm thinking that they just wanna sit round ours, & get waited on ... Am I being unreasonable? Husband thinks that they should come here, but they drive me mad!

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MrsHathaway · 28/01/2017 19:30

Get your arse on the sofa. DH can do the tea making, lunch making, etc. See if he changes his tune then.

Or maybe an unchangeable prior arrangement (cinema trip with friends? pre book tickets) so you will miss half their visit.

skyblu · 28/01/2017 19:51

Suggest meeting in pub with a kids play area for lunch. Or an afternoon walk together by the river (or something similar depending where you live).

GREATAUNT1 · 29/01/2017 09:53

I've tried that MrsHathaway, they still sit there for hours & it makes the visit even more unbearable seeing as I can't escape to the kitchen. Also the last few visits we cut short due to the fact that I'd just had an op & wasn't really up to visitors. Then we were double booked Crimbo Eve, I had to get my coat on & open the door before they actually moved!

Skyblu, we've done the lunch out thing too, but we end up paying & they still expect to come back to ours after being out for about 3 hours.

Thanks both for your replies

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MrsDustyBusty · 29/01/2017 09:56

Maybe they're really not on top of things and are a bit embarrassed?

NavyandWhite · 29/01/2017 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsHathaway · 29/01/2017 10:08

Blimey, they are really unreasonable.

I really think you need to arrange to be out without DH when they are due to come.

GREATAUNT1 · 29/01/2017 14:09

Embarrassed by what MrsDustyBusty? I'm no shrinking violet & I'd be quite happy to ask if they had homes to go to ... but I'm thinking of MrGA. In fact I've dropped massive hints, y'know yawning loudly, pretending to be shocked at the time ....

I just don't think they care NavyandWhite, which annoys me that they can be so selfish. The going out's a good idea, but they've never offered to pay as I already said. Plus they tend to order the most expensive thing on the menu, including puddings, which I never eat as I prefer & feel that I need the extra drink ;-D

Thank God someone agrees with me MrsHathaway, you're my new bezzie for that :-) I've done that as well, but MrGA takes it funny :-/ Plus they're still there when I get back.

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MrsDustyBusty · 29/01/2017 14:23

Maybe with small kids they're embarrassed about the state of the house so they're reluctant to ask you to call over.

MrsHathaway · 29/01/2017 14:41

You know that saying "you have a DH problem" ...?

It's his family and his attitudes that are the problem.

SparkleShinyGlitter · 29/01/2017 14:44

It wouldn't hurt stepson to return the favour now and then and have you over.

You know they have small dc so your not going to expect the place to be spotless so the house is messy excuse is a load of rubbish

GREATAUNT1 · 29/01/2017 16:59

Aaaah I see MrsDustyBusty, Soz having one of my many moments there . The place wasn't exactly clean before they had kids, not that it's my biz. There was actually poo on the toilet seat one time when we went! That was about 3 years ago though.

Mmm I thought that too MrsHathaway but he seems to think that I'm the problem. I'm OK to visit them, & I don't mind them visiting just so long as it ain't all day.

Thanks SparkleShinyGlitter, I thought us going there occasionally would give me a break.

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Cherrysoup · 29/01/2017 17:42

Suggest alternate fortnights. If they are still reluctant, tell them it's only fair. If they refuse, tell them they need to shorten their visits because you're finding it too much, which it sounds like you are. I too hate having visitors, mostly because I can't sit and do what I like and I have to actually clean! My house isn't disgusting, but it's lived in, iyswim. I feel it has to be perfect for visitors.

GREATAUNT1 · 29/01/2017 18:16

That would be ideal CherrySoup, but not sure MrGA would agree as he prefers visitors to visiting. I hate most visitors too, especially when the kids are left to run riot. A few weeks ago one of them was diving off the arm of the chair! I'm having a new suite soon & am already terrified for it. I like to do my own thing too, & I live in a small flat so it's not like I can escape anywhere. Thanks.

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Nanny0gg · 29/01/2017 18:19

Would you feel the same if it was son not stepson?

My children and DGC descend all day. I thought that was normal...

ImperialBlether · 29/01/2017 18:23

If you went to visit them, how often would you want to go and how long would you want to stay for?

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 29/01/2017 20:14

I need a stepmother. If I can visit for most of the day once a fortnight and be waited on, have someone else run around after my kids and I never have to return the favour then I'm willing to murder my mother to get one!

More seriously, you are being put upon. Sure, women are supposed to welcome guests with no thought to themselves and love their stepchildren without ever feeling they have the right to correct them over anything, but bollocks to that! Could you have an appointment to meet a friend/tickets for a matinee/some other commitment for when they come? Leave your husband to it, since he enjoys them coming. They might all welcome time together without you, since it all sounds a bit awkward.

Was the stepson an adult when you married his dad, or a child? I'm not sure why, but it seems like this might make a difference.

GREATAUNT1 · 30/01/2017 06:21

That's why I'm asking AIBU Nanny0gg, as I'm trying to put myself in the position of MrGA, & his son ... & I think that I would feel quite hurt by this if it was me. That's all I can do as I don't have any kids of my own. WHAAAAAA! Don't all get me at once as I've committed the ultimate sin by being on mumsnet & have no kids. I understand that some people have visitors tripping in & out all day & night, but that's not for me, no matter who's visiting.

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GREATAUNT1 · 30/01/2017 06:25

ImperialBlether, I'd probably visit for about an hour or two, every other week. There's another stepson who we see the next weekend, he doesn't visit for hours on end though.

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GREATAUNT1 · 30/01/2017 06:34

Haha ZippyNeedsFeeding, I'm honoured, but don't kill your Mom on my behalf. MrGA thinks that we should all spend time together, which I do agree with up to a point. I must admit that I'd worry that the older child would wreck my home too, so feel slightly reluctant to leave them to it. Kids will play, but I seem to be the only one to correct him.

He was 10 when we got married, & I used to get on really well with him. I used to go out & do other stuff sometimes as it gave them time alone, & me some sanity from my busy working week ....

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ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 30/01/2017 06:56

Can't you do that now? Go out I mean? Welcome them, play with the kids then go get your haircut or pop to the shops or cinema?

Clearoutre · 30/01/2017 07:35

Your stepson is taking the mickey - when he visits he should offer to help, keep an eye on his kids, not stay an inconsiderate amount of time & return the favour of hosting. That's basic manners for any long term relationship...son, stepson, nephew, uncle, friend, neighbour, whatever, or people tend not to be invited back!

Your husband needs to step up to redress the balance and also why should you feel chased out until it's safe to return?! That's not a long term solution or one that means you can all enjoy visits.

PS. At the pub: without announcing, your husband should order & pay for your food at the bar then return and say "I told them you'd be going up next to order" - hopefully that would be enough of a hint!

GREATAUNT1 · 30/01/2017 13:25

I could go out yeah ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged, but it wont solve the problem long term.

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GREATAUNT1 · 30/01/2017 13:31

Clearoutre, I agree & I'd do & say all that, but I feel that it has to come from MrGA. I have suggested (as we do it with other family members) that we share the cost of a meal, or all buy our own, but MrGA makes the excuse that the kids have no money, which ain't true! I don't mind treating them from time to time, but they're just taking the p* here.

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MrsHathaway · 30/01/2017 13:34

Is he still being a Disney Dad, would you say? Buying affection and requiring nothing in return, not even courtesy ...

Boulshired · 30/01/2017 13:55

My parents house was always my home even when I had my own home and children. My mum would have family there every moment of the day and she rarely visited. It is difficult when you want different things and all you can really do is compromise.

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