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Moral Dilemma - WWYD?

(96 Posts)
FriedEggsandWorms Thu 15-Dec-16 13:26:53

I'm not particularly close to my family - lots of back story but I feel resentful towards them for the way they've treated me . I'm not sure if this is clouding my judgement!

I will graciously accept if I'm being unreasonable . wink

I have two sisters .

Eldest sister has a 10 year old son whom I've always purchased birthday / Christmas presents for .

I'm the middle sister and I have twins aged 5. My eldest sister has always purchased my children gifts - but it is very clear it's done out of necessity rather than want .

Youngest sister doesn't have much money and has never purchased gifts for mine - she buys for eldest sisters child though .

Eldest sister and youngest sister live close by to our parents.

I live around 3 hours away from all of them.

It was decided by my family last year that they were no longer going to purchase birthday / Christmas gifts - for adults or for children. Fair enough, however I didn't agree with the principle of not buying for children.

My children received nothing for their birthdays, not even a card . I bought my nephew a token present for around £10.

It actually transpires that my family still buy gifts for each other amongst themselves - my children are the only ones that don't get anything! From aunts or their own grandparents .

I've given my nephew his Christmas present already and I will continue to buy gifts for him .

My youngest sister has now had a baby of her own and it's coming up to her first Christmas .

I'm so torn on what to do . I'm hurt that my children are not thought of as important enough and youngest sister has always bought for her other nephew , but never mine.

However , I'd feel absolutely awful not buying a gift for the baby ! Because I know how much it hurts me confused

Do I:

A) not buy for the baby in the hope my youngest sister will realise how unfairly she's been treating all her nieces / nephews

B) buy for the baby and set a precedent of gift buying where I know my children will still get nothing

C) Fuck the lot of them and don't bother any more

I don't care about stuff - I'd be happy with a bag of chocolate coins for my children - it's just the principle that they are treated like an inconvenience - the same way that I'm made to feel and it saddens me greatly sad


TheMortificadosDragon Thu 15-Dec-16 13:32:50

This year - B, with a pleasant note. Next year - depends if they're still all excluding your kids.

celtiethree Thu 15-Dec-16 13:32:59

C definitely. Tbh I wouldn't buy for the 10 year old either. I wouldn't be the bigger person in this scenario.

Putsomepeasonit Thu 15-Dec-16 13:34:43

C. Don't worry about hurting them because they clearly don't care.

babychamcherryb Thu 15-Dec-16 13:34:59

C. What arse wipes.

ChasedByBees Thu 15-Dec-16 13:35:09

How did you find out they are still buying for each other? Could you speak with them - not about the presents but about feeling unimportant?

Ahickiefromkinickie Thu 15-Dec-16 13:35:33


The children won't remember you sending presents to them.

The parents won't turn around one day and think 'We should have treated Moral and her children better'.

baconandeggies Thu 15-Dec-16 13:36:11

C. They've frozen you out:- you're not 'particularly close' to them, they've treated you badly in the past and don't want to send you or your DC cards or presents ever.

Given the above I'd go completely NC. You don't owe them anything and need to shield yourself and your DC from further hurt and neglect.

hungryhippo90 Thu 15-Dec-16 13:37:33

Nothing! I'd not buy for their kids whilst they exclude mine. How fucking awful of them!

idontlikealdi Thu 15-Dec-16 13:37:33

C. They're being awful.

wishparry Thu 15-Dec-16 13:37:52

I'm afraid it's a C for me's not fair on your dc.

tornandhurt Thu 15-Dec-16 13:38:55

C and use the money you save on your twins!!

Arfarfanarf Thu 15-Dec-16 13:39:26

I would go with C

But I don't believe that people should accept being treated like shit by someone because they are related. In fact, I believe that being so called 'family' means you should expect a higher standard of care and consideration than you would from some stranger, not accept a far lower one on the peculiar logic that being related means it's ok to shit all over someone and they're the bad guy if they don't say thank you kindly and bend over for more.

I would speak out. I know that's not everyone's way but I do think it is best to tell people when they have hurt you. If they don't care, you know to never bother with them again, but they may well actually realise what they are doing and want to change.

So I would tell them that I know they still exchange gifts among themselves and they've clearly just chosen to exclude me and that is really hurtful.

And if I were you, I would not be buying gifts for any of them while they have all got together to decide to exclude me. That just gives them the message that they can treat you like crap and you'll take it and go back for more.

Fuck 'em.

Bluebolt Thu 15-Dec-16 13:39:43

You have nothing to lose by having this out with your parents as the whole relationship is pretty poor anyway. Siblings is more difficult they have made it clear that they are not prepared to buy presents for yours and I do not see the moral dilemma as their DCs will not probably form an emotional bond with your family as your sisters are not willing and the gifts will not create this and will just make you feel worse.

FriedEggsandWorms Thu 15-Dec-16 13:39:53

I found out because my youngest sister asked me to lend her the money to buy nephews present confused

Talking to them is not an option - it's pointless and I already feel like any more confrontation will make us all done - they're all I have .

HeCantBeSerious Thu 15-Dec-16 13:40:27

This is pretty much what happens with DH's family (ours being the ignored children).

We no longer buy for them, and our visits have reduced to what's absolutely necessary (I leave it to DH which basically means it doesn't happen). Fuck 'em.

Guavaf1sh Thu 15-Dec-16 13:40:44

Or D) Ask your relatives if you should buy a gift for the baby, ask them why your kids are left out of the present arrangement when others are not and try and solve the issue

baconandeggies Thu 15-Dec-16 13:41:27

That's awful Fried - you poor thing.

they're all I have

What positive things do they bring to your life?

DearMrDilkington Thu 15-Dec-16 13:41:43

I'd do C. When the other kids grow up and ask why they receive nothing from you then their delightful parents can explain what arseholes they are.

Sorry your family are dicks, my in-laws are very similar. Don't be sad though - you sound like the only kind person in your family so your children are the lucky

Rafflesway Thu 15-Dec-16 13:42:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Arfarfanarf Thu 15-Dec-16 13:42:46

are you fucking kidding?

That is totally taking the piss.

Please tell me you did not lend the money?

They're all you have? Then you have nobody. sad You would rather accept this treatment so you can pretend you have family? That is genuinely sad.

You're worth more than that. It is better to have nobody than for those you have to treat you with contempt. (not that you have nobody. you have your children. I don't know whether you have a partner? friends?)

Bluebolt Thu 15-Dec-16 13:43:02

A small close family with your children is better than a large family of people who bring you down.

GoneGirl1234 Thu 15-Dec-16 13:43:48

What about sending a "new baby" type gift, not a Christmas gift? Then you can stick to the no-gifts policy for the rest (and for baby after this)

FriedEggsandWorms Thu 15-Dec-16 13:44:04

What positive things do they bring to your life?

I've been asking myself this recently - and I can't think of a single thing sad

If I go NC though , I will be totally alone in the world other than my DC.

hungryhippo90 Thu 15-Dec-16 13:45:33

To be honest, as a PP said, id go NC with them over this. The first hint that this was going on.

I've been treated the way that you and your DC have been by family? They no longer get the opportunity to treat me that way. Things very, very rarely get any better in situations like this.

It was actually Christmas which made me see how unfairly I was treated by my family.

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