for being bl***y LIVID with my mother?

[Callmemadam]

My eldest ds (nearly 16) has a brilliant relationship with his youngest sibling (DD2, nearly 5). He and ds2 and dd1 are all away at boarding school, so this half term, as usual, dd2 was crawling all over her big brother, getting tickled, roughed up, having her toys played with, and generally having a riotous family time. Anyway, my mother came over on Saturday afternoon and saw ds1 playing with dd2 and rang him 'in confidence' later that evening to say that 'he should be careful that people didn't jump to the wrong conclusion' if they saw her 'crawling ' all over him . I am still so angry I can hardly speak, partly because I thought it was such a sick thing to say to ds, and partly because she bloody said it 'in confidence'!!! Thank God he was able to tell me why she phones. The sad thing is that - whatever he says - I can tell it HAS affected his relationship with dd2 . To put it in perspective, my siblings and I were brought up in a very non-tactile way, but even so I find the fact that she could come up with such a comment really upsetting................

[colditz]

I would be livid too. What an awful thing to say.

[morningpaper]

bloody hell

I would be bloody livid too

your POOR ds

that's his innocence snuffed out

[controlfreakyandroses]

you are not being unreasonable. what are you planning to do / say (if anything)?

[Stiller]

that's an awful thing for her to have done.

[Carmenere]

Oh I would be livid That is almost unforgivable to sully their relationship and make an innocent lad worry unnecessarily. And to bypass you too. At least if she had spoken to you first you could have told her to shut up.

[handlemecarefully]

That's such a damaging and screwed up thing to say. Damn it - I am fuming on your behalf.

You should say something to your mum (when you feel calmer about it). You can't let this one go

In her defence (I am being charitable) is it her generation? I could imagine my mother (70's) coming out with similar tripe. Doesn't help that my mother was poorly educated and has never had her horizon's challenged or encouraged to be reflective / contemplative

[Callmemadam]

Oh thank God that you don't think I am being stupid - I am SO So angry with her and I honestly don't know what, if anything to say to her....I Do feel she has sullied their relationship somehow, and the sad thing is that she is a little bit of an only child becaus of the age gap and so her fantastic relationship with the others has always been a bit of a bonus, and for ds1 she has always given him bit of a broader family perspective IYSWIM. He often baths her for me if I am cooking supper but I can't see him doing that now TBH

[pooka]

I am also absolutely FUMING on you behalf.
What an absolutely rotten mean-spirited narrow-minded thing to say to a 15 year old about his relationship with his sister.

[MummyPossum]

Message withdrawn

[moondog]

OMG,what an outrageous thing to say.
Appalling.

[brandy7]

and that she said that on you and your poor boys behalf!

[Callmemadam]

Maybe her generation - I don't know - but I do know that we would never ever have crawled on either parent's lap ever (there were 5 of us) and I can't honestly remember a hug from my dad ever. Mum yes, but they were asked for, not given. I just don't think she saw their affection as entirely normal FGS! Or she did, but wanted to warn him that 'others' might not!!!

[sazzybee]

How absolutely dreadful. What a horrible thing to do.

So very cruel - for both your children

[pooka]

Still FUMING.
Of all the "am I being unreasonable" threads, this is one where I really can see no grey area. You are asbolutely right to be livid.
It's so sad that he has been made to feel that his affection for his own sister is in some way unpalatable.

Really don't know how this can be addressed. I would make it clear to your mother that what she said was unacceptable, but once said... not sure how you can make your ds forget it.

[Callmemadam]

MummyPossum - you have described EXACTLY what DH and I saw developing as the loving relationship between DS1 and DD2...........

[havingatoughtime]

she is so WRONG..... what and why would she be so silly

[MummyPossum]

Message withdrawn

[clemsterdarcy]

Just absurd ...flabergasted ... its enough to get any 15 year old lad to be strong enough to be away from 'yoof' mentality as it is.

His loving and affectgionate relationship with his sister should be applauded not condoned.

[fireflyfairy2]

OMG! what a silly old woman. Please say something to her. & make sure your son knows you think nothing like your mum thinks.

[Callmemadam]

Yes, that's it - 'carefree yet responsible'... not however ready to have some sick and twisted view of life before he's ready

[sazzybee]

The more I think about this, the sadder I feel. She's ruined their relationship.

Why on earth didn't she speak to you first if she had genuine concerns?

[Aloha]

Don't assume she has ruined their relationship. Right now he's shocked and upset. But that could wear off, especially if you talk to him and explain your mother is very strange, hates physical affection which made your childhood hard, and is being really odd and out of order and nobody thinks the stuff she does. Point out how important it is to his sister and how much she loves him and needs him to make her feel part of the family. I really think it is much more likely that the sheer exuberance of an innocent six year old will win out over the twisted thoughts of your mother.
Having said that, I think she has behaved appallingly, most of all by daring to phone your son 'in confidence'. I do think you need to confront her to tell her never to try anything like this ever, ever again, and to bear in mind your son tells you everything and you take a very dim view of her trying to encourage him to be secretive and furtive.

[lou33]

i'd be inclined to take him round to her house and tell her exactly why she was wrong and that it is her who has a problem and not him