Other mum stealth avoiding me

(89 Posts)
aaaaargghhhhelpme Sun 23-Oct-16 17:53:27

Hi

Name changed as if she's on this I'm sure she'll know it's me

Basically DDs friends mum is really funny with me. But today she spectacularly blanked me. And I don't know why. I don't know what I've done.

Our DDs are good friends. At nursery together. Now school. We live in the same direction about five minutes away. Sometimes we bump into them on the way. They want to play together and go to school together but sometimes she's been - oh no we're going this way! And takes her dd the long route.

Anyway today we're getting the train. My DH has a season ticket so waited on the platform with Dd. I had to go over the bridge to the other platform to get a ticket. As I was crossing over a train came in. As I'm coming down the stairs I see them getting off. She starts calling her husband - not acknowledging me - and gestures to the side exit.
I walk past smiling. I just think they didn't see me. No skin off my nose. But think it's funny as they live the other side so I would've thought they'd be crossing over the bridge.
Get my ticket and cross back. And they're there. Talking to my Dd. But before I could reach them. They'd gone.

So. They went out the side exit. Waited for me to pass. Then went the way I came. And then left when they saw me coming.

I asked my DH what they said and he was pissed off because they didn't say anything to him so he didn't know who these strangers were talking to dd.

I totally get not wanting to have a massive chat on the school run (first thing in the morning I am not at my best!) but I don't get this at all.

The only other thing I can think of was when the DDs were starting school. Three of us mums had been at the same nursery. We were waiting in the playground. And she just said to the other mum - oh we should sort out that play date. And then she started going on about dates. I didn't say anything but felt a bit pushed out. So just started fussing with the baby. For the record I don't care at all there are play dates without my Dd. Just thought it was a bit odd to arrange it in front of me! Maybe I'm just paranoid as I have Pnd at the moment. And social anxiety at the best of times. I've tried really hard just to be smiley. Not push conversations. I don't know what I've done to piss her off so much. She's fine with other mums.

Sorry. I'm really stressed at the moment. I've just been in tears to my DH (now away on business for the week - half term - fantastic timing!) I can't help but take it personally.

Thanks for making it through the mammoth post. Didn't want to drip feed.
But I guess my question is - is it me?! Is it my Pnd talking?! Or is she being odd.

pipserypopssr Sun 23-Oct-16 17:56:12

So upsetting when people do things like this - I jus don't get it!

At least they didn't blank your DD.

I know it's easier said than done when you suffer with anxiety but please try not to let it bother you.

TheSparrowhawk Sun 23-Oct-16 17:56:36

What does it matter? It's awkward yes, but she doesn't have to like you or talk to you and you are who you are regardless of what she thinks of you.

PoppyBirdOnAWire Sun 23-Oct-16 17:58:20

She sounds weird. You sound nice.
Try not to give a damn.

DonkeyOaty Sun 23-Oct-16 17:58:49

You really can't know what was going on so I would think "pfft odd or WHAT" and think no more of it.

PoppyBirdOnAWire Sun 23-Oct-16 17:58:50

flowers

AutumnSunday Sun 23-Oct-16 18:00:54

Of course it matters, if someone blanks you and you haven't got a clue why it's hurtful.

Do you have a contact for her at all OP? I'd have to get to the bottom of it. Are your DD's good friends? Has there been any fallings out?

Graceflorrick Sun 23-Oct-16 18:02:02

Why don't you invite her for a coffee? I'd deal with it head on brew

aaaaargghhhhelpme Sun 23-Oct-16 18:40:04

Ah thank you for all the replies. I'll try and answer everything. It means a lot that I'm not just going mad.

Our DDs are the best of friends. They play together. They sit together at school. It doesn't seem one sided when I've seen them together. I've not heard of any fights. They're both quite similar - quite quiet. Both like the same things.

One day a week their DDs gran walks her home and she's always been nice to me. We walk and chat while the girls walk (or run!) together. Its just country paths so no cars and they lead the way home.

To be honest if it was another parent whose Dd wasn't so close to mine I probably wouldn't worry so much. But i know they're so close I don't want them to feel they can't play together or there's any awkwardness just because of us

As to inviting them over - it's DDs birthday soon. I sent out invites about three weeks ago. I've not had an rsvp and she's not mentioned it at all. She's not the only parent not to have rsvped (I think I saw another thread about that recently too!) so I don't take that too personally but not sure I can handle a one on one meeting with her at the moment. I just feel a bit rubbish and emotional and I don't think I'd handle it too well!

NavyandWhite Sun 23-Oct-16 18:46:15

Honestly I've learned in this life there are people in it that you'll never ever understand and you will drive yourself batty trying to.

In your situation personally I would go round when the girls are at school and ask her what the fuck is going on.

You will drive yourself insane if you let her keep getting you.

AutumnSunday Sun 23-Oct-16 19:06:49

It makes it even more hurtful then, especially as your DD are best friends.

Just wonder though, could it have anything to do with avoiding you due to the party invite? Clutching at straws but it's something worth thinking about.

What's she normally like with you?

aaaaargghhhhelpme Sun 23-Oct-16 21:42:48

Thanks for the replies.

Autumn - she's always been a bit 'off'. I can't put my finger on it. I just put it down to it just being that awkward chit chat at the school gates. We bumped into each other on the way home from school on Friday and had a nice chat - I actually texted DH to say maybe I was just imagining the oddness! Good idea about the party invites - ive not mentioned it since giving them out so I don't think it's this but you never know.

I guess I'll have to pull on my big girls pants and just invite her Dd over for a play date and take it from there. I can handle her not liking me - I just don't want it to get in the way of the girls.

Thanks again everyone

Homebird90 Sun 23-Oct-16 21:48:25

Coming at it from another angle - maybe she's shy, or socially awkward, or for some reason doesn't always want to chat. Doesn't sound like it's personal though.

HaveNoSocks Sun 23-Oct-16 21:49:55

She sounds really odd. It's one thing if she just didn't really like you but unless you've been stalking her there would be absolutely no need to go to such ridiculous lengths to avoid you. It's just weird.

FerretFred Sun 23-Oct-16 21:51:08

Have a bit of fun. Go out of your way to bump into her. Make sure you chat to her. If she hides round the corner pop you head round and say 'Boo! I can see you!'.

At least watching her trying to avoid you could be fun!

Areyoufree Sun 23-Oct-16 21:53:47

Could be a whole heap of reasons. I have mild face blindness, and really struggle to recognise people out of context. I also have social issues (self diagnosed aspie, to be honest) and have been known to pretend not to see people rather than try and work out the complexities of how to handle an unforseen social encounter. Or, of course, she could just be a total bitch.

SleepFreeZone Sun 23-Oct-16 21:56:08

I'm currently trying to blank a preschool mother because I don't like her parenting style and don't like her kids. They are really aggressive wee shites and she never eve corrects them. They have taken a huge shine to my son and my son is following their lead, getting himself into trouble and bring bossed around by the older one. So I am currently quietly seething about it and trying to just avoid her as I don't want to say something I'll regret.

It does sound though as though your daughter is well behaved and you sound lovely so I will presume this Mother is just being pretty rude and cliquey for some reason. It will be very interesting how she handles the party and whether her daughter attends.

FlapsTie Sun 23-Oct-16 21:56:59

Oh god I think I do this to people. I have a raft of mh issues which mean I can present as totally normal and sociable one day and like a complete fucking dick the next. I'll often not be sure if I'm speaking to the same mum in the playground I chatted to last week as I won't remember their face or the conversation, so I either witter on like a loon or completely blank them out of embarrassment and shyness. Some days I'm really outgoing and others I can't do conversation at all.

It's not you, but it maybe isn't her fault either. The best thing you an do is say a breezy hello every time you see her and try not to take it personally if she doesnt engage.

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst Sun 23-Oct-16 21:58:13

You say you've sent out invites. Did you give them direct to the parents? Or were they passed on via your DD?

Perhaps she hasn't RSVP'd as the invite hasn't reached her, so I wonder if it's worth following up.

And maybe you could ask the gran if there's anything she's aware of. She might not know, or want to say anything, but it's get back to the mum and maybe open the way for clearing any misunderstandings.

SoleBizzz Sun 23-Oct-16 21:58:52

I k ow a Mom at DS s school and she told me that sometimes she ignores people. I asked why and she saud if they annoy me. She hasn't been in touch with me fir a while now. The other say on her Facebook two people said are you ignoring me? To her. I'm a bit sad as her child is also disabled and I thought we could share our carer experiences. I guess she is odd and she hasn't even wished my DS a happy birthday today when I saw her at school and others said it to him.

BarInSpace Sun 23-Oct-16 22:06:44

I say hello to most people on the school run. However there's one who blanks me and I don't suppose I will ever know why.

Yes, I suppose technically it's up to others if they like you or say hello. However, in terms of good manners, I think it's polite to smile and say hello if you've met before, or have a child in the same class or group, even if you're never going to be best buddies. It just feels odd to sail past someone going the other way and not say anything.

It's hurtful to be ignored and I assume that's the result it's supposed to have.

smurfest Sun 23-Oct-16 22:16:04

She sounds like an odd one - try not to take it personally...easier said than done I know.

With the lack of RSVP I would go up to her and ask if her DD can make the party, not rudely, but not overly smiley either. You could point out that you need to know numbers and that your DD might want to invite someone else if her DD can't make it. I think that's only reasonable whether the girls are best friends or not.

stubbornstains Sun 23-Oct-16 22:18:39

Could be that you are friends etc with someone she doesn't get on with? I mean, really doesn't get on with? I know a couple of women that are good friends with my abusive, manipulative ex (and father of my son). He wants to see his DS, but doesn't see why he has to follow any "rules", such as sticking to contact agreements. With the result that he doesn't see his son, but I suspect sends these women out as flying monkeys, being extremely over friendly with me and very very insistent that we "get the boys together for a play date". Neither of them have been keen to accept my polite excuses, and have, in fact, been so "in my face", on one occasion following me into the local shop to harangue me about what kind of problem I have with her to the point that I ended up shouting "Go away! Just go away!" that the only thing I can do is to completely and totally blank them- pretend they don't exist.

Could be a milder version of that?

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad Sun 23-Oct-16 22:20:20

I really wouldn't give it any more thought / your lovely daughters get on / it doesn't mean you have to. Rise above her silly rather odd behaviour and get on with your own life whilst obviously being supportive of your DD's relationship with her friend.

CorkieD Sun 23-Oct-16 22:21:33

Is it possible that she is on the spectrum and just has poor social skills?

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