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Reasonable compromise?

(79 Posts)
Hedgehog80 Mon 03-Oct-16 13:20:27

Ok long story short (ish)....big issues with family, always has been so limited contact. Works well but.....

DF (elderly and not well at all) is visiting soon. He knows nothing of the major issues recently and I don't want him to because I don't know how long he has left and I want that time to be as nice as it can be with no complications and/or arguments
Anyway, big family occasion has been planned. I'll go with dcs as he wants to see everyone but this includes dh

Dh will NOT go. This is becaus he DETESTS dsis as something came to light recently which changed him from disliking yet tolerating her very occasionally to him detesting her and refusing to be in same room as her.

DM has been questioning why he won't attend and I told her straight. Dh won't be coming but I will with dcs. That's the compromise and I think it's reasonable

Apparently it's not ? She seems to think dh should put aside his issues for the day. He can't and I respect that but nobody else seems to? Tbh I feel that I'm making a massive effort being in the same room so why should dh as well if he doesn't want to?

RealityCheque Mon 03-Oct-16 13:22:57

Ofc the compromise is reasonable if you are happy with it.

Why on earth didn't you just tell your mum he was working? Or had a prior commitment?

myownprivateidaho Mon 03-Oct-16 13:24:10

It's impossible to know without knowing the reason why he's fallen out with her. But in general, yes I do think it's unreasonable that your DH can't put aside his differences with your sister for a family event where he presumably doesn't have to speak to her. Seems very selfish on the face of it.

Hedgehog80 Mon 03-Oct-16 13:25:56

Because actually I think she needed to know the truth. We feel that by lying it's just excusing certain behaviours from dsis. He's furious and rightly so, DM tries to minimise dsis behaviour and I won't gloss over it

I'm going so that DF can see the dcs and we can all spend time with him. I'll be there to supervise dcs and I can tolerate (just) but dh can't and I respect that. DM almost seems nary that dh has stood up for himself

Hedgehog80 Mon 03-Oct-16 13:26:40

Nary-angry

DetailedConfusion Mon 03-Oct-16 13:26:51

Refusing to be in the same room with her is pretty extreme.

I'm curious as to what she could have done that is so awful to him but 'acceptable' to you tbh.

NNChangeAgain Mon 03-Oct-16 13:26:54

She seems to think dh should put aside his issues for the day.

Well, at least your DM is providing justification for your DHs reluctance to have anything to do with your family. She's minimising his feelings and being horribly disrespectful.

cozietoesie Mon 03-Oct-16 13:27:07

If he went (and I appreciate that that's a massive 'if') what would likely happen? Would they have a big slanging match in front of their parents?

myownprivateidaho Mon 03-Oct-16 13:30:00

She's minimising his feelings and being horribly disrespectful.
To be fair, it really depends what the sister has done. If she's molested a child, fair enough. If she's left the church of scientology of which the OP's DH is a committed member, the OP's mum would have more of a point!

LurkingHusband Mon 03-Oct-16 13:30:26

Refusing to be in the same room with her is pretty extreme.

It is. But that doesn't make it unreasonable. It's certainly a stance I could understand.

I'm curious as to what she could have done that is so awful to him but 'acceptable' to you tbh.

OP hasn't said her DSis behaviour was acceptable to her.

Sprinklestar Mon 03-Oct-16 13:33:34

I think it's hard to give an opinion without knowing what was said/done that was so dreadful. I'm trying to think of an example that would be so severe it would cause such a huge family feud. Racism? Homophobia?

Hedgehog80 Mon 03-Oct-16 13:33:41

He said he can't keep a lid on his anger. He literally cannot be near dsis

I don't 'accept' anything. I'm going for DF and as I'll be there there will be absolutely NO opportunity for anything to happen again (supervision needed around dcs as it came out last week that something very inappropriate was said to one of dcs a few months ago). DM had actually asked me NOT to tell dh

cozietoesie Mon 03-Oct-16 13:35:40

What has his relationship with his parents been like in the past?

myownprivateidaho Mon 03-Oct-16 13:36:43

Ok if he "can't keep a lid on his anger" he obviously can't go! I don't think your mum has to agree with his decision tbh, she's entitled to her view. And it's not entirely unpredictable she would side with her daughter over her son in law. But she can't force him to go either.

Sprinklestar Mon 03-Oct-16 13:37:25

Is what was said the same incident that's causing your DH to stay away or something else?

FeralBeryl Mon 03-Oct-16 13:39:51

So it's in relation to inappropriateness in front of your children? Damn right DH is furious-that coupled with your mum minimising and not wanting you to tell DH? I don't know if I'd even be going myself.
Tread very carefully here, and don't let them drive a wedge between you and DH

Hedgehog80 Mon 03-Oct-16 13:40:16

He was not keen on dsis anyway, he tolerated her on the very rare occasions he saw her. After this latest thing emerged he said that's it I'm never speaking to her/being in same room as her again

I can't blame him. I try to keep my distance and I'm making an exception for DF. I will be on high alert though supervising around dcs

Sprinklestar Mon 03-Oct-16 13:41:11

Just how inappropriate was it?

Would you happily not see her again if it weren't for DF's illness?

Hedgehog80 Mon 03-Oct-16 13:44:01

If it was any other occasion I wouldn't go either but DF wants to see us all together. Dh not being there, although he gets on with him isn't the end of the world for DF, he will be disappointed but would be more so if me and dcs didn't go

Hedgehog80 Mon 03-Oct-16 13:49:30

I'd say an 8 or 9 / 10 on a scale of inappropriateness

Happened months ago but we had no idea, suddenly ds1 piped up last week "dd1 do you remember when aunty said X ? Were you in the room or not? I know dd2 was"
When confronted about it dsis denied then said ds1 'misheard'. He said to me " No she said it on purpose and thought it was funny"

It was not something he could have heard elsewhere. Certainly something a 9 and 6 y o should never hear. I'm just thankful we were able to deal with it at home, talk to ds, explain dsis was wrong to say it and that it's very rude and he should not repeat it to anyone else. It could have come out at school so we were very upset but mostly upset dcs have heard language and things they shouldn't have sad

myownprivateidaho Mon 03-Oct-16 13:51:04

Just say what it was!

Hedgehog80 Mon 03-Oct-16 13:54:09

I can't say exactly. she basically turned a silly game (changing words in a story to make it funny eg every word beginning with 's' becomes sausage, 'm' mash and so on) into something filthy and entirely inappropriate for children using language they shouldn't hear.

myownprivateidaho Mon 03-Oct-16 13:55:23

Erp that doesn't sound good. Poor you. Agree that she should not be left alone with the kids.

Hedgehog80 Mon 03-Oct-16 13:56:19

It wasn't just changing words but also changing what people in the book were doing. Basically very very wrong. Dd2 seems to have no recollection which is good but ds1 is very very sure what was said and we believe him as know he wouldn't have picked up these words/scenarios from anywhere other than where he tells us

FeralBeryl Mon 03-Oct-16 13:59:20

How old is she Hedgehog?

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