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Please hand me a grip. Re ex and new gf around my toddler

(81 Posts)
Namechanger89 Mon 04-Jul-16 16:43:34

Stbxh and I broke up 2.5 years ago. Domestic violence. History of DV with all previous ex's. DS is 3. Sees his dad every other weekend. I keep a vigilant eye out for any concerns but for the most part things have been ok. I have always said that any new partners and I would be concerned because he has strangled me in front of his older daughter, for example, and I am very concerned that he wouldn't be able to manage his emotions in front of DS.

STBXH now has a new girlfriend. When I say new, I mean within the last 2 weeks.
New girlfriend has 4 boys who do not live with her. This weekend ex had her stay over. It's DS's contact weekend.

I have no idea who this woman is, or why her 4 young children do not live with her. Were they removed? Did she relinquish?
I would not normally state that I had a right to meet her before she meets DS but surely with this I should so I can risk assess the situation??

I have drafted a message that says I'm glad he's met someone, but I think given the concerns we should do this properly and he should bring her round one eve so I can meet her and he can meet DP (we've been together for a year but ex has always refused to meet him!)
If he refused to do this I think I'm going to suggest he only has DS at his mums.

Come on, just how unreasonable am I being??

LouBlue1507 Mon 04-Jul-16 16:49:57

YANBU to be concerned or wanting to know who this lady is but legally YABU... You have no right to meet this woman despite your concerns and if you change contact now, because of a new partner, it will go against you in court. flowers

sepa Mon 04-Jul-16 16:50:20

Given the violence then I would say for contact to be at his mums anyway (and I say this coming from a house where my dad was violent and then moved onto us kids when mum moved out)

I don't think he will want you meeting new GF tbh given that he doesn't want to me your DP

Namechanger89 Mon 04-Jul-16 16:53:56

He definitely won't want me to meet her, but I figured by offering I was being reasonable.

I just think, if she has had 4 children taken into care (I think at least one is in foster care) then I have a right to know what sort of risk that poses for DS?

I don't know. He's my baby. I just want to keep him safe sad

LouBlue1507 Mon 04-Jul-16 16:57:47

You'd think so but legally, no you don't.. But I do understand why you want to know.. 😕 It's a difficult situation! If you rock the boat now, it might start a nasty custody war.. Just keep a very close eye!

KittyLaRoux Mon 04-Jul-16 17:05:34

Completely understand your concerns and you can of course express these to your ex.
However he does not have to act on them.

You have no idea why her children are in care. It could be many reasons.

You can suggest he has ds at his mums but again he does not have to comply.

I am afraid while ds is on contact time with dad, without actual evidence if risk you cannot request or enforce anything.

Sorry OP i know its shit.

WorraLiberty Mon 04-Jul-16 17:07:21

I understand your concerns, but how does meeting her risk asses the situation?

You can't really sit there and ask her personal questions about her family and life, in a sort of interview style.

NeedsAsockamnesty Mon 04-Jul-16 17:09:49

You do not have a right to know the why's and what not.

But it is a very valid legitimate concern there is also the additional risk that an abuser poses when he ceases to be single.

I personally would be applying to courts for them to asses the risk and make sure contact is safe

sepa Mon 04-Jul-16 17:09:53

Although, would you legally be able to find out why she has had her kids taken? If it's some sort of safeguarding thing then would it be allowed to be disclosed to you? Not sure who you would have to contact or if it's even possible. I'm thinking there must be something along the lines of where your able to now find out if your partner has a violent past through the police?

WorraLiberty Mon 04-Jul-16 17:16:23

Maybe the kids live with their Dad?

Namechanger89 Mon 04-Jul-16 17:18:29

They may do. In which case it's fine. But my step daughter has told me that one is in care... This might not be true but I do want to know!

OnionKnight Mon 04-Jul-16 17:19:07

I very much doubt that you can find out why she doesn't have the children, and legally YABU, you can't force her to meet you so you can question her.

WorraLiberty Mon 04-Jul-16 17:20:21

But how will you find out unless your ex tells you?

You can't really invite her for coffee and say, "So why don't you have custody of your kids then?" as you pass the Jammie Dodgers grin

MLGs Mon 04-Jul-16 17:20:36

I don't think meeting her would help, nor can you insist on it.

I would be applying to court to try to keep his contact supervised if at all possible.

Buggers Mon 04-Jul-16 17:23:09

You could try and have a nose on her Facebook and see if there's any clues on there as to why she hasn't got her kids?

agentmarmalade Mon 04-Jul-16 17:28:07

I would recommend using contact centres via social services as your ex is violent.
If you are not comfortable with your son staying overnight with your violent ex and this unknown woman (with a possibly dubious history with kids) then I think applying to court to keep their contact supervised is by far the best idea.
I can't see any other way at the moment.

cestlavielife Mon 04-Jul-16 17:28:17

is there a court order?

did cafcass assess the risk and recommend unsupervised contact despite the strangling?

was the strangling reported to police? is there a record?

you have been sending ds to visit every other weekend so either there is court order and you have no choice ....
or you accept it is ok and you trust ex to look after him and vet any other adults just as you vet all adults who come into contact with ds while he is in your care

you wont be able to find out anything about her dc but until /unless you have evidence of specific concerns there is nothing you can do.

BengalCatMum Mon 04-Jul-16 17:28:42

Sorry to hear this OP; I have no experience but sounds terrible.
Best of luck

MyCatHasStaff Mon 04-Jul-16 17:29:38

Even if she were to agree, she will no more tell you the truth of the situation than your ex will admit to being an abuser. No doubt both of them view themselves as the victims of their situations, so you will be no wiser. It's shit, I've been in a similar situation and can't honestly say I found a solution other than to be vigilant, sorry.

Bogeyface Mon 04-Jul-16 17:32:33

Where social services ever involved with you when you were with him? If so then they may be able to help you now. They probably wont be able to tell you where her kids are or why, but if they have information on her then they can use that to determine whether your son is at risk when he is with his dad.

I would be prepared to stop contact and apply for supervised access if there is even one incident of DV against the new GF, which lets face it is pretty certain.

EweAreHere Mon 04-Jul-16 17:32:40

I don't think you have any control over who he introduces to his child.

That being said, you know he's only thinking about himself if he's introducing a new 'girlfriend' 2 weeks into a relationship. That is completely inappropriate and incredibly unfair to children. Parents dates should not be in and out of children's lives until there is an established relationship that looks like it's going somewhere. Just inappropriate and hard on children.

I'm sorry, OP. But you will likely have to pick up the emotional pieces, but there's not much more you can do unless DV does arise again.

Fairylea Mon 04-Jul-16 17:35:45

He strangled you in front of a child? shock Personally I would move to the other end of the country and somehow lose contact completely. I wouldn't want my child around anyone like that. I suspect I will get flamed but I seriously couldn't send my child round for unsupervised contact with a man who behaved that way. The girlfriend thing makes it even more worrying.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 04-Jul-16 17:37:41

Your child will be safe, he will be with his dad. Meeting you would not give you any grounds for making any kind of valid assessment anyway.

You don't get a 'say' on this, OP. You can want one but it's not really any of your business other than making sure that your ex doesn't make your son feel unsafe in any way.

Be careful not to project your fears onto your child either. Easier said than done, I know.

Fidelia Mon 04-Jul-16 17:45:58

Would Clare's Law apply? I mean, if you're worried she's not safe around children, could you make an application under Clare's Law?

Chloe1984 Mon 04-Jul-16 17:46:18

Their relationship sounds very new, I'd say it's maybe possible you won't have this problem after a couple of weeks, if you see what I mean.

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