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DD completely lost it last night and I don't know how to move on

(77 Posts)
streetdog Mon 20-Jun-16 11:52:12

Because honestly if this had been a friend and a partner rather than a teen I would be saying LTB.

She has some sensory issues and mild sen. She has also had a shit time at school recently but is moving.

Last night she couldn't find her tablet and after searching for an hour she lost it completely.

Hitting, scratching, kicking in stomach as I had surgery and scars there, twisting my hands because she knows I have arthritis, pushing, screaming, throwing things at my face across the room inc a bottle, a boiled sweet, a close I had just cleaned the dogs vomit up with, tipped the bin out everywhere.

I managed to get out of the room and lock myself in the bathroom out of her way and she started kicking the door in.

When she had stopped I spoke to her and was very cross, I made her tidy up and she is grounded. She wasn't remorseful, it was all my fault apparently.
I hadn't helped her look (I had)
I had pushed her buttons
I had annoyed her
I had brought it on myself
I had only had her to ruin her life and am a terrible mother.

I'm furious this morning. I can't even face looking at her.

She has had teenage strops before but nothing like this.

FannyFifer Mon 20-Jun-16 11:54:27

How old is she, do you have support, you need to contact someone, school, psych, you cannot live like that.
Are you ok, do you need medical attention?

purplefizz26 Mon 20-Jun-16 11:55:19

I have no experience of SN but just wanted to say that sounds terrible for you, and I hope you both get the help you need to move on from this flowers

Owllady Mon 20-Jun-16 11:56:13

Do you think she needs on going emotional support?
Has she ever been in touch with camhs?
Does she get any pastoral support at school?

I'd suggest as she has other issues it's worth contacting your GP for more specialised support (they'll know what available in your area, including support in the voluntary sector)

flowers for you. It's very hard to manage behaviour like that

Disinterested Mon 20-Jun-16 11:57:02

I don't have much advice to give you, but I really hope you are okay? Your daughter needs to know that this behaviour is NOT okay and that you will not tolerate another outburst like this. Is there anybody you have that you can talk to in RL, for advice or just a shoulder to cry on?

DollyBarton Mon 20-Jun-16 11:57:02

Oh my god. I don't know how you cope with that. Objectively I think I would call the police and have her held by them, in the hope that she got a good fright and the message that it was unacceptable came across loud and clear (while also physically protecting myself). But I don't know actually if I would have had the heart to do that.

Maybe tell her that the next time she ever attacks you like that again the police will be called to arrest her for assault. Then follow through.

I don't know anything about SEN so discard my advice if it's inappropriate in that context.

FannyFifer Mon 20-Jun-16 11:58:03

How old is she, do you have support, you need to contact someone, school, psych, you cannot live like that.
Are you ok, do you need medical attention?

gamerchick Mon 20-Jun-16 11:59:50

Any child of mine capable of inflicting that much calculated damage on me I would get lifted. A spell in the police station is scary for anyone, especially kids who have got too big for their boots. Mils SN or not.

It's not that she had an uncontrolled meltdown, she deliberately targeted parts of your body that she knew would hurt you the most. This will happen again.

Thefitfatty Mon 20-Jun-16 12:00:15

When my brother did this to my mother she called the cops. They took him overnight and scared the pee out of him. He didn't do it to her again.

However after that my mother and father made sure to get him increased counseling, etc.

ThisisMajorTomtoGroundControl Mon 20-Jun-16 12:01:02

When you say mild Sen do you mean 'autistic traits'? Because the victim blaming and lack of empathy can be part of ASD. It sounds like she definitely needs more emotional support. School issues can be hugely overwhelming and with the processing difficulties sounds like the lost tablet was the final straw. I think this is one of those situations where traditional parenting techniques aren't going to be effective.

louisagradgrind Mon 20-Jun-16 12:02:53

How terrible for you but, mindful of her SEN and sensory issues as well as the fact that she has had a tough time recently, is there any way that you could ask for support- from the school possibly?

Is there a relative who could help, but not in a way that could be interpreted as punishment? I say this only because SEN is an issue.

Sending hugs to both of you.

streetdog Mon 20-Jun-16 12:03:38

I have told her this morning that I have a right to be safe in my own home and will ring the police if she tries anything like that again.
She's bigger than me already. She's 13

Seen Camhs in the past. Been on the waiting list to see them again since November but despite repeatedly chasing we are no further.

streetdog Mon 20-Jun-16 12:06:31

Currently school no support AT ALL

IHaveBrilloHair Mon 20-Jun-16 12:07:25

My dd did this to me repeatedly, she's now in care and has, I believe undiagnosed Aspergers and PDA, except no one involved in her care believes me, and dd herself now won't accept or admit it to anyone, though does know.
I couldn't have her at home anymore as I wasn't safe.

I'd definitely call the police if your dd does it again, I never did as I was protecting her, and I also knew deep down she would do it again anyway, but your dd may learn from it.

streetdog Mon 20-Jun-16 12:08:58

What I mean is while she does have support at lunch they have utterly failed her otherwise and if I contact they wouldn't be of any help. They never are.

streetdog Mon 20-Jun-16 12:10:30

Sorry I'm cross posting people. I will go back and read.

PPie10 Mon 20-Jun-16 12:11:53

Sorry op but she sounds truly awful. Next time call the police sn or not. Her twisting your arms knowing the arthritis is so cunningly vile, she needs to know she dare not do it again. You have my sympathy.

louisagradgrind Mon 20-Jun-16 12:13:34

It might be worth telling the school about this incident though.

Could your daughter stay with another family member for a short time? What does her father say?

Birdsgottafly Mon 20-Jun-16 12:18:17

There's been a change and an increase in aggression, so that's reason enough to see your GP, for your injuries and your DD, that should get you bumped up the list.

It will be recommended, for you to call the Police, because that also gets you higher up the list for psychological support.

"" When my brother did this to my mother she called the cops. They took him overnight and scared the pee out of him. ""

They generally don't hold teens overnight, it is only usually a few hours, but will speak to them at home. They avoid charging SEN children. This is all because of the increased suicide/self harming risk.

I had no choice but to phone the Police, my Police had a seperate DV for Parents, team. If yours doesn't, you can be signposted, either by them, or your GP.

Birdsgottafly Mon 20-Jun-16 12:19:36

I'd forgot to say, inform the school, as well.

user1465023742 Mon 20-Jun-16 12:23:30

You need to have her arrested for assault. SEN or not, that is bloody unacceptable. You poor thing.

streetdog Mon 20-Jun-16 12:27:19

Thank you. I will go back to the GP about Camhs again.

Not seen ex husband in years
No one she could stop with and not much RL support.
My Mum is elderly and poorly. She just said dd needs to get over herself.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PinkFluffiUnicorn Mon 20-Jun-16 12:30:26

Phone calms and tell them about it, it might help you get seen a bit sooner, depending on your area. Also speak to gp, and maybe social work? They might be able to sugest some charities that could help & it helps to have evidence written down, like a diary of events, date, time,what set it off,Etc. Hugs for you, take care of yourself

streetdog Mon 20-Jun-16 12:30:31

Thisismajor she has been investigated twice for AS. They just keep diagnosing other things and saying 'she is most likely on the spectrum somewhere'

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