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Really? Am I?

(110 Posts)
Tryingtostayyoung Wed 01-Jun-16 23:58:16

Ok so I'm really really not sure if IABU or not.
I'm a SAHM to DD3. DH works long hours and mon-fri we don't see him much. He's an excellent hands on dad the rest of the time and never have any issues, happy marriage etc.
Sooooo now onto the issue. Whenever we've done something new with DD for the first time, we've always made sure we're both their to experience it ie. Zoo, farm, cinema etc etc. There's been one or two things that I've just done on my own or DH has because maybe the other parent isn't as interested in doing it ie. I hate bowling. Never really had any problems with this its just been an understanding between us. As a SAHM I've been offered to do certain things with friends and if it's something that I know DH would want to be there for the first time I've declined (there's only one or two occasions I can actually think that this has happened and they were both things that we then went and did all together).

No for my AIBU. DH is sitting on the couch tonight with a big smile on his face, I say what's up, turns out that another dad he works with has two extra tickets to go to the theatre and has asked DH if he would like to go with DD. I said well hold on she's never been to the theatre before and that's something I would really like to be there for. He says well so I'm not allowed to go. I said well I'm not telling you what to do but how would you feel if it was something that you cared about, it's the first time and tbh I didn't even know there were shows like this for her age. I'm quite upset because I don't think he should have put me in this position, I think he should have asked me if I would like to go and if I said yes just declined the ticket, that's what I would have done. Now it's like I'm the controlling DW/DM who won't let him take DD out. I probably should mention that he doesn't really get much opportunity to socialise with his friends just because we spend our weekends as family time mainly. AIBU?

MrsLeighHalfpenny Thu 02-Jun-16 00:00:47

Yes YABU. Get over yourself - it's just a trip to the theatre. There will be thousands of "first times" in your DD's life. You're going to have to stop sharing them all at some point.

mrsclooneytoyou Thu 02-Jun-16 00:02:39

Yabu. It is only a trip out. You are both not going to be able to be there for every first in your child life.

WorraLiberty Thu 02-Jun-16 00:02:53

Gosh yes, YABU.

Chill out the pair of you.

It's nice to experience 'firsts' together, but this all sounds a bit manic.

There will come a time in her life very soon, when she'll be experiencing tons of things without one or either of you there.

Gardenbirds123 Thu 02-Jun-16 00:03:33

It will be a lovely experience for your DD why would you not want her to have it? As other poster said,
Get over yourself wink

thisisafakename Thu 02-Jun-16 00:03:42

YABU. Stop being such a control freak.

Tryingtostayyoung Thu 02-Jun-16 00:04:15

You know what the thing is I think I know that IABU but I'm irritated at the few times I've declined things because I thought that was the right thing to do but now I'm questioning myself.

Moreisnnogedag Thu 02-Jun-16 00:04:32

Yeah I'm with your husband on this. I'd get it if it was something like seeing Santa or (I'm struggling here) Disneyland or something. But no this isn't a big deal unless you make it one.

Sparklesilverglitter Thu 02-Jun-16 00:05:14


Doinmummy Thu 02-Jun-16 00:05:17

You are being unreasonable. It's daft to put such a restriction in place. I'm sure there will be occasions where you do something for the first time with DD and DH isn't there .

PaulAnkaTheDog Thu 02-Jun-16 00:05:31

Goodness yabu. Stop planning your daughter's 'firsts' around what you will appreciate and just let her have them. Santa visit etc are fine but first trip to the theatre?! It's just daft!

SpaceUnicorn Thu 02-Jun-16 00:06:34

YABU, I think. Doing things together is nice, but realistically you can't sustain both being present at every single 'first' for the rest of her life.

Doinmummy Thu 02-Jun-16 00:07:11

Also if DH isn't around as much as you are why begrudge him a 'first time ' all to himself ?

MrsJoeyMaynard Thu 02-Jun-16 00:07:14

A bit unreasonable, yes.

It seems a bit strange to me to turn down an offer to do something you think your DD would like because it's a new thing and you can't both go. There'll be opportunities to do similar trips again in the future.

DementedUnicorn Thu 02-Jun-16 00:08:15


PaulAnkaTheDog Thu 02-Jun-16 00:08:28

Declining things was your choice though op, not your husbands. So if you're going to be pissed at those situations you can only be pissed at yourself, which isn't worth it.

SoleBizzz Thu 02-Jun-16 00:10:29

This has to be a joke.

fatandold Thu 02-Jun-16 00:11:06

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but it seems as if you are thinking only of your joy in seeing your DD have the experience, and losing sight of her enjoyment for her own sake. She will love the trip with her dad, don't deny her it for such a silly -selfish- reason. Take her to a special trip on another date by yourself so she get special mummy time too. Daddy time will be at the theatre. Get him to take photos for you!

monkeywithacowface Thu 02-Jun-16 00:12:42

I think this is great opportunity to break what has become a ridiculous "rule". Completely OTT and unsustainable in the long term as your dd becomes older and more independant will you ban her from attending things with friends because it's a first and you won't be there to see it?

purplefox Thu 02-Jun-16 00:14:28

Yes, YABU.

If he'd asked you before accepting the tickets would you have really refused just because you weren't able to go? Selfish much?

Ifonlylovewouldsavetheday Thu 02-Jun-16 00:15:32

Yabu and should restrain yourself from ruining it for them. Being too controlling is not going to work for you in the long run.

purplefox Thu 02-Jun-16 00:16:58

In the future when DD goes on school trips to places you haven't been to before what are you going to do seeing as you wont be there to "experience the first time"?

monkeywithacowface Thu 02-Jun-16 00:17:19

Agree that it is also incredibly selfish to prefer your dd to miss out on something lovely just so YOUR emotional needs can be met.

DoJo Thu 02-Jun-16 00:19:02

If you are at home with her, then there must be load of firsts that you have had with her just by virtue of being there all the time, so while I can appreciate that you would like to have this experience with her, it does seem a bit petty to begrudge him the chance to do something special with her. It's not like he went out of his way to get the tickets without thinking about you and he's clearly excited to share something special with her which is lovely.

I missed my son's first time riding his bike without stabilisers because I wasn't well, but he was SO excited to come home and tell me about it that it was almost better than being there, so don't rule out the possibility that hearing her talk about it will be an enjoyable 'first' as well...

Akire Thu 02-Jun-16 00:20:08

Can see your point but as a SAHP you get to see far more new things than your partner so I would let him have this one thing between them.

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