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AIBU?

Making a fuss of DD on her birthday

90 replies

YumBountyChoc · 19/05/2016 10:38

It's DDs Birthday at the end of June. She'll be one. I posted earlier in the week about my mum feeling she doesn't get to see DD enough but not making time to so herself despite my suggestions and compromises.

Anyway the plan for DDs Birthday was we'd take her to a local attraction that involves a particular animal (don't want to say as it might out me/where I live as its one of a kind). DD loves animals, is always stroking our cat (supervised) and pets MILs dogs, she points and smiles at dogs we see when we're out and about. So I was really looking forward to taking DD to this particular place. We invited MIL along and she suggested we go to an upmarket but family friendly restaurant for lunch afterwards - we have been out for a meal once since DD was born to a cheap whetherspoons type pub so this would be a treat for DH and I too, we can afford to spend this much on her Birthday, and MIL is paying for herself.

I invited my mum along and told her the plan. The attraction isn't expensive (£10 a ticket for adults, £5 for children) but MIL suggested we get the bus because parking will be difficult, which is £6.50 return. And the restaurant is £20-25 per meal dependant on what you have. My mum says £40 is far too much to spend and eve priced her out of coming to DDs Birthday celebration.

She's suggested she could afford about £10 for a day out (money borrowed from granddad) and says we should go to a local soft play place with MILs sister and son (who's 6 weeks older than DD) then go to a cafe for lunch.

DH has told work he needs DDs Birthday off which is a Tuesday, MIL has booked the week off - not just to spend with DD but it helps her birthdays in that week.

I really want to go with the original plan, so suggested Mum and I do the soft play/cafe at another time around DDs Birthday - maybe the week before when it's my birthday, but mum says it's not the same and MIL already gets loads of time with DD so we should let my mum see DD on her birthday.

So AIBU and pricing my mum out of seeing her GD on her birthday?

OP posts:

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MrsJayy · 19/05/2016 10:42

Are you going to a monkey place ? Anyway I think you should do her birthday the way you want and granny can tag along

Nabootique · 19/05/2016 10:43

YANBU. Your DM is being really quite selfish, and you had already made these plans so it isn't like you've made them to exclude her. The day is not about her.

PlayNice · 19/05/2016 10:44

YANBU to do it; sounds like your daughter would love the animal type place.

But if you're worried about your mum feeling left out, then why don't you skip the restaurant and head straight back to yours for a homemade birthday supper? That way your mum only has to pay for the activity and the bus.

Your daughter will be too young to appreciate the restaurant anyway, so that seems like the best compromise if you wanted to try and make sure your mum could come. But she IBU to try and get you to change the whole day.

honeysucklejasmine · 19/05/2016 10:45

Wow, your mum is being really selfish. YADNBU.

Clandestino · 19/05/2016 10:49

It's your DD and her birthday. You are doing it for her and for yourselves as a family. Your DM (and MIL) had their choices when you were little but this is yours and your DD's day so you should spend it the way you like and plan.

leelu66 · 19/05/2016 10:54

MrsJayy

As OP has said she doesn't want to say what animal they are seeing in case it outs her, it's not fair to ask if she's going to a 'monkey place'.

OP Is your mum genuinely short of cash or do you think this is her way of controlling how DD's birthday is celebrated?

I think you have done your best, invited both DM and MIL. If she can't afford it, that is a shame, but it shouldn't impact your plans for your DD's birthday.

Perhaps you could tell DM that she doesn't need to get your DD a present? That way she could put the money towards attending the attraction and lunch on DD's birthday.

YumBountyChoc · 19/05/2016 10:54

MrsJayy Yes a monkey place

OP posts:

Cheby · 19/05/2016 10:55

Go with your original plan. Your mum can come or not, as she decides. If you'd said everyone needs to pay £400 a head then I might think YABU, but £40 for a day out, travel and lunch isn't particularly extravagant.

MrsJayy · 19/05/2016 10:55

Yip just say we are going to x and you are welcome to come once granny's start dicating birthdays then you are on a slippery slope I'm assuming this is a young birthday you have years of this if you let it happen cake and sandwiches back at your house or lunch in the place will do no need for all this tooing and froing

MrsJayy · 19/05/2016 10:56

Ah didn't read she was 1 sorry

Obeliskherder · 19/05/2016 10:58

I think it would be a lot kinder of you to trade down to a less expensive restaurant and cover the cost of your mum's meal. Will you really enjoy the posher meal knowing you priced her out of coming?

Car sharing makes more sense than bus surely, even if parking is difficult, unless none of you is confident driver.

If you are going to end up paying out twice for 2 celebrations if your mum doesn't come, doesn't it make more sense to sub her a bit to come to the main thing. It is tough whien limited finances force you to make tough choices, but if you ain't got it you ain't got it. Me, I think I'd rather compromise on the meal than inviting family, because family is what it's all about, really.

YumBountyChoc · 19/05/2016 10:59

MrsJayy If you know where we're going you'll know there's restaurants not far away so it's not tooing and froing as such, our house is a good 15 miles from this place, so we want to make a good day/afternoon of it. Of course DD won't appreciate the restaurant bit, but as we've only been out for a meal once since she was born it seemed a bit of an excuse to have a treat for ourselves too.

OP posts:

Pinkheart5915 · 19/05/2016 11:01

Yanbu
You have priced your mum out of DD birthday, she is being silly/awkward.
£40 for a day out & lunch is a bargain, can't remember when a day out and lunch costed me that little.

It sounds like your DD has a love of animals and I'm sure she will have a great day.

andintothefire · 19/05/2016 11:01

YANBU but to keep the peace I have to admit I would probably do the soft play, birthday cake etc with both grandmothers on the actual birthday, and take your DD to the monkey place another day that week. Your DD won't mind if she goes on her actual birthday or not.

MangosteenSoda · 19/05/2016 11:02

Can your mum genuinely not afford it or do you think she's stirring a bit because she's got a bee in her bonnet about MIL?

If the former, I'd ditch the fancy lunch and eat party style at home which I think would be much nicer for a one year old anyway.

Then I'd get her to babysit one night so you and your OH can have a relaxing meal out together!

Pinkheart5915 · 19/05/2016 11:02

Haven't priced you mum out not have, this iPad predicted text Grrrr

YumBountyChoc · 19/05/2016 11:03

Obeliskherder Mum drives but hates it so only drives to work or if there's an emergency. DH drives but the car won't be big enough for us all; 4 Adults plus a carseat as we only have a small 3-door car which we use for DH getting to work and the weekly shop.

We could go to a cafe/cheaper pub type restaurant I suppose so my mum could come, I could possibly cover half her ticket cost into the attraction so then she'd just need her bus fare.

OP posts:

Obeliskherder · 19/05/2016 11:04

Btw the monkey place near us is absolutely fine for parking. Maybe it's a different monkey place. Most "day out" type places will be easy on a weekday, surely?

YumBountyChoc · 19/05/2016 11:04

Andintothefire Dh wants to come to the animal place too, and has arranged his work for the week around it, if he's off he doesn't get paid unless he books annual leave so we avoid using his leave if we can change his days so he can spend time with us.

OP posts:

MrsJayy · 19/05/2016 11:05

Tbf I've been to 2 monkey places so not quite sure where you are going but your mum and mil can sort it amongst themselves surely if your mum can't afford it can you pay for her dinner

snorepatrol · 19/05/2016 11:05

I'll probably get flamed for this but if you want your mum there could you afford to go halves with her or cover the difference in what she can afford?

snorepatrol · 19/05/2016 11:07

You could even take a picnic
/party to the monkey place so your mum only has to cover entry costs?

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andintothefire · 19/05/2016 11:08

Dh wants to come to the animal place too, and has arranged his work for the week around it, if he's off he doesn't get paid unless he books annual leave so we avoid using his leave if we can change his days so he can spend time with us.

If he has asked work to change his day of leave and they won't let him, then I agree that is fair enough and a good reason to tell your DM that you can't change plans for the birthday.

andintothefire · 19/05/2016 11:09

(Sorry - misread post slightly. Obviously it's even more difficult to change his work arrangements if he is not in fact taking leave but has already arranged work around being off!)

OurBlanche · 19/05/2016 11:09

Oh please! Don't do this to yourself, or your DD.

Your mum has been extremely selfish - not in saying she can't afford it, but in trying to guilt you into changing plans that you and your DH have made and been looking forward to.

Tell her again, sorry, we can do soft play another day.

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