AIBU to have an informal chat to mil before she looks after my DC

(94 Posts)
Ohsotired123 Wed 13-Apr-16 15:40:05

My mil will be looking after DC for a day a week when I go back to work. There have been issues in the past with her not respecting my wishes regarding food. I.e her wanting to feed my DD chocolate when she was just 8 weeks old and then going on and on about it for months until we eventually came to a blaze over Christmas. You may remember my post. It was a little unbelievable how she acted. Since then she's mentioned it a few times, I.e asked if we have given her chocolate yet when she was 6 months and again at 7 months and she asked If she will she be having Easter eggs. I told her as she's 8 months I didn't want her having Easter eggs, but SIL went and bought her one. I know mil would've told sil didn't want her to have one as they speak daily, sometime twice a day and they tell each other everything. Anyway I ate it and no issue was brought up by me. smile.

Just recently my DD wouldn't eat toast when I offered it as a finger food, I tried everything on it to get her to eat but she wasn't interested any of the times I gave it to her. Mil said I should try putting Nutella on it and I ignored her and didn't respond.

But As it's nearly time to go back to work I want to make clear that I don't want my daughter having chocolate or chocolate spread sandwiches or anything chocolate related until I say it's ok for her to have it. Which will probably be in a few months but right now I'm still establishing a healthy diet with healthy foods. Mil used to give her kids a bowl full.l of sweets and chocolate after EVERY bath time. Her kids are the Worst eaters I know, they don't eat any veg or fruit, and SIL is seriously obese. I've told my dp that before the arrangement starts we should speak to mil about it and make it clear, but my worry is it's going to come off a little strict and like I've got all these rules etc. But every parent has boundaries right?

ollieplimsoles Wed 13-Apr-16 15:43:12

YANBU but you will be tld you are because she is looking after your child.

Are you paying her to mind her? If you are then you need to be firm with her that your wishes will be respected, if not then you may have to suck it up.

Can you afford to put dd in nursery for that day? If so I would consider it, I don't think mil should be looking after your dd, it will cause even more tension between you.

mummytime Wed 13-Apr-16 15:43:38

I think in the circumstances you are NBU to want to talk to her before she looks after your DC.

However you are massively BU to have her look after your child. She will not respect your wishes, and it will just lead to huge family arguments. You would do much better to use a CM or other paid for child care.

AliceScarlett Wed 13-Apr-16 15:45:30

It's pointless, she won't listen to you.

KayTee87 Wed 13-Apr-16 15:47:17

If she can't respect your parenting choices then don't have her looking after your child. Would it help if you pre made and packed all the food for the day and asked her to only feed those? It does sound as if she will do what she wants the minute your back is turned though.

willconcern Wed 13-Apr-16 15:47:23

YANBU.

However, no way would I leave my baby with her!

Thisisnotausername Wed 13-Apr-16 15:47:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Costacoffeeplease Wed 13-Apr-16 15:49:20

You can say what you want - it won't make a blind bit of difference

Ohsotired123 Wed 13-Apr-16 15:49:59

I have no choice in leaving her with her. Not because of finances but because my dp will not allow my mum to look after her if his mum can't.

Yeahsure Wed 13-Apr-16 15:50:28

Doesn't matter what you say or how you say it she's going to feed your daughter chocolate. Surely you can see that?

Your choice is whether to accept that or whether to get alternative childcare.

She sounds extremely annoying - my sympathies!

Floralnomad Wed 13-Apr-16 15:51:12

You are perfectly entitled to say what you want your child to eat but it's fairly obvious that this woman is not going to respect that so find different childcare if it bothers you that much.

Wherediditland Wed 13-Apr-16 15:51:33

She will have chocolate buttons into your child before your car leaves the drive.

Not a hope in hell I would leave my kid with her if I were you.
She will do what the hell she likes and feed your DD crap.

And you won't know.

Would you accept a nanny, nursery or childminder with such awful views on children's nutrition? No. So don't accept this either.

Start looking for an alternative pronto.

ollieplimsoles Wed 13-Apr-16 15:52:40

I have no choice in leaving her with her. Not because of finances but because my dp will not allow my mum to look after her if his mum can't.

Are you fucking serious?

Your dp won't allow ??

Does he know his mother is disrespectful and doesn't do as you ask?

Sounds like you have a massive dh problem...how did he lay this 'rule' down to you?

mmmuffins Wed 13-Apr-16 15:53:49

She is clearly going to disregard your wishes.

Would your mum behave reasonably? Why is MIL allowed to watch DD but your mother not?

ollieplimsoles Wed 13-Apr-16 15:55:37

Muffins- I think op's mum is allowed but her dp said if her mum can his mother has to be able to as well.

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely Wed 13-Apr-16 15:56:16

There is absolutely nothing you can say that she will listen to.

You need to pay for childcare, imo, both because it's going to cause massive rows when she inevitably ignores you, and because she isn't putting your dc's well-being first.

Ohsotired123 Wed 13-Apr-16 15:59:27

It's been a worry of mine throughout my entire maternity leave. When it came to a row she never apologised and sat there in silence for the entire afternoon. She spoke with dp a week later and said she didn't realise she did anything wrong, but dp did explain to her she needs to respect my wishes and we need to feel comfortable leaving my DD with her as it won't be good for me worrying when I'm back at work. 2 weeks later I had the apology which I thought was a crock.

Since then dp trusts her 100% even though I don't, not with the remarks she makes about it. So when I said I don't think I want your mum being childcare for 1 day he said I'm over reacting and if she can't then my mum won't have her for a day either as planned.

Mummydearest85 Wed 13-Apr-16 16:00:40

Wow, it's is chocolate, not heroin. Your mother in law will probably do what she wants when she's looking after her. When the cats away and all that. My sil was like that with hers. No chocolate, no sugar, no biscuits, no ice cream. Of course she expected free child care whilst she went to work. My mum was good enough to follow her demands wishes. She knew it would cause arguments if not. However, the child is now 10 years old and stuffs themselves with anything sweet they can get their hands on. They won't eat just one biscuit or sweet like mine, they'll stuff their faces with it because they've been deprived of anything sweet by their mother.

VimFuego101 Wed 13-Apr-16 16:02:08

An informal chat will not make any difference, she will not respect your wishes.

ollieplimsoles Wed 13-Apr-16 16:03:07

he said I'm over reacting and if she can't then my mum won't have her for a day either as planned.

Oh won't she now?
op, both parents have to feel comfortable with the childcare arrangements and you have good reason (that dp is aware of) not to leave dd with mil.

Hissy Wed 13-Apr-16 16:06:02

Don't risk it. She's not putting the welfare of your dd first. She is deliberately undermining you as some kind of war.

Your DP needs to stfu and see what's what here. Don't give your dd to a relative, get a professional in and make it work. Childcare costs are family costs and the money comes out of both parents money.

ollieplimsoles Wed 13-Apr-16 16:06:38

The simple answer here is not to make the chat 'informal'

EponasWildDaughter Wed 13-Apr-16 16:07:47

when I said I don't think I want your mum being childcare for 1 day he said I'm over reacting and if she can't then my mum won't have her for a day either as planned.

Then i would have neither parent looking after DC.

RedToothBrush Wed 13-Apr-16 16:07:53

You don't have MIL problems you have partner problems.

Your DP does not respect you or the decisions you make about how you raise your child together. If you don't want your daughter to have chocolate and that's been ignored by his mother then if he allows his mother to look after your daughter he is undermining YOU.

What happens if you two disagree on other parenting decisions? Is it going to be about what he allows.

You need to really have a serious think about what you are really saying here and who is causing the situation.

EponasWildDaughter Wed 13-Apr-16 16:08:50

There is no way she's going to listen to you OP.

Your choices are -
- leave DD with MIL and MIL will do as she pleases.

- leave DD at nursery.

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