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Aibu to be this fed up :(

(78 Posts)
Gymboree567 Mon 14-Mar-16 10:05:06

Hi
I'm just down, fed up
But I shouldn't be I have 3 good kids, a job, a house, a husband and everything should be ok, but its not
I'm so lonely, I have one friend, which I seem to put all the effort into, my 13 year old speaks to me like something she's stepped in, I work 20-30 hours a week yet do all the housework, it's a constant battle with 3 kids to keep on top of everything.
When ever I try to speak to my husband about it, he says he doesn't want to hear it, if I'm having a bad day I should keep it to myself
I suppose my main problem is loneliness, I feel I've tried everything to meet people but friends never stick, I've tried
Volunteering
Making friends through work
Helping at a riding stables
Adults only swimming
Parent and toddler groups
Excercise classes
Online friendships
Approaching people in the street (that I recognised not strangers!)
Reconnecting with old school friends
Joined the gym
Neighbours
Play dates/mums from school

Nothing's worked!
My husband has friends and I've asked if we can all do something together with their wives too but he says no he's happy how it is and doesn't want to

I feel like I've got the short straw, I work just as much if not more than him, I have to deal with the kids including a stroppy teenager, endless cleaning and tidying and I have no support and no one to turn to when I feel down

I know I should be happy we are all healthy (touch wood) and are financially stable although no where near rich we have everything we need
Aibu do I just need a kick up the ass, or is there more to life
Thanks x

Fizzielove Mon 14-Mar-16 10:07:41

You can't help how you feel so YANBU.

molyholy Mon 14-Mar-16 10:09:32

No wonder you feel lonely. Your husband sounds like an arsehole. He doesn't want to hear about stuff that is upsetting you.
He doesn't want to include you when you have suggested activities as couples with his friends and their wives.

You don't need a kick up the ass - he does!

DraughtyWindow Mon 14-Mar-16 10:15:49

Sounds familiar although I'm on my own... and just one mouthy 13yo DD with ASD hmm
You mentioned helping at a riding stables. Do you enjoy horses? Do you ride? Do you actually have a hobby of your own? I think you need YOU time.

Gymboree567 Mon 14-Mar-16 10:17:04

Thanks guys
I think his attitude is more upsetting than the situation
Last night l cleaned up the kitchen, then my 18 year old made a big mess I cleared that up then my 13 year old decided to make fruit salad and covered every surface in stickyness so I cleaned up again, then all 3 kids put all there clothes in the wash after I had just done all the washing and ironing

I had a little moan about it and he said, he would leave me if I kept moaning (in a half joking way) and if I'm having a bad day I shouldn't ruin his good day and keep it to myself!

I haven't been on a night out in so long, my only friend doesn't drink or go out so she is not an option, I would love for us to all go out for a meal and a few drinks, but I'm never invited, it's always the same excuses, "no one else is taking their wife" "there's no room in the car" "it's just going to be talking about work" "you wouldn't enjoy it"
Pi**es me right off
I've given up asking now

novemberchild Mon 14-Mar-16 10:20:31

Your husband sounds very uncaring tbh. I could not be with someone who told me to 'keep my bad day to myself'. It's also pretty usual to know the wives of your husband's friends so not sure what his issue is.

Gymboree567 Mon 14-Mar-16 10:21:06

I helped out at the stables for 5 months, mucking out in exchange for riding
It was ok but all the girls were a lot younger and A LOT better riders
I felt like a hindrance sometimes
Plus with working I just couldn't fit it in anymore, I've got 2 paid jobs and the stables was taking up a whole day
I've not been back as I just wasn't enjoying it anymore, and I've been going to the gym instead as I can go when ever I have time although I'm yet to really speak to anyone, it's normally ladies in their 70s who go together as a group or muscle men there!!

novemberchild Mon 14-Mar-16 10:21:53

Also, tell kids to clean up their own mess smile

eyebrowse Mon 14-Mar-16 10:23:19

Is there a WI any where near you? That's a regular meeting where people go and chat and there are outings and activities. Even if you don't make friends you will get to talk to different people regularly.

DraughtyWindow Mon 14-Mar-16 10:24:35

Your kids need to learn a bit I respect too. Stop tidying up after them. That'll give your DH something to moan about! Be assertive and regain some control. flowers

Gymboree567 Mon 14-Mar-16 10:27:56

I've kind of given up on making friends, I've tried trying, I've tried not trying
I'm 37 and I've never been friends with anyone much longer than a year
It's so disheartening to try and fail so often so I'm not actively looking for friends right now
Maybe it's like meeting a partner, one will come along when you are not expecting it

Gymboree567 Mon 14-Mar-16 10:29:28

I've decided I will no longer enter the kids bedrooms, they can sort it out themselves my 13 year old lives like a pig and that's insulting to pigs!!

dingit Mon 14-Mar-16 10:32:55

Sorry you are feeling like that thanks

It's like that in my house with the kitchen, and the laundry situation. I've threatened lots of times that they will end up down their own washing, then never carry it out.

My 17 year old Dd treated me like shit this morning and has left me feeling very down again after an upsetting incident last week.

I'm no sure how to deal with it, but trying not to just eat!

I belong to the WI, an art group, and go to clubbercise each week. That and meeting my friends once a month for lunch and shopping just about keeps me sane. And try looking forward to things, at the moment it's the Easter holidays for me.

The spring weather is also getting me out in the garden.

Reading my post back, it's doesn't really seem that helpful, but I hope just by people posting you feel a bit better, iyswim!

BarbarianMum Mon 14-Mar-16 10:34:17

Why are you trundling around after your kids tidying up? Why are you doing all the housework?

Try doing less for your family. A lot less. You are nobody's doormat. Is there something (hobby/activity) you'd like to do?

If you are up for all aspects of it, then getting a dog is an excellent way to get meet new people (and the dog becomes your friend too, of course). Plus you get out and about walking it every day.

lavenderdoilly Mon 14-Mar-16 10:36:37

Try withdrawing your labour. Not sure in what areas because I don't know your set up but targeted strike action might work. Also you need more support from your partner over the 13 year old ' s mood swings . sorry you are having a rubbish time.

lavenderdoilly Mon 14-Mar-16 10:42:05

And your 18 year old needs to grow up. he/she should be tidying up after themselves as a default.

Gymboree567 Mon 14-Mar-16 10:42:12

I'm dreading the Easter holidays, 3 teenagers home all day wanting me to entertain them, we'll ive told them I'm not! They are old enough to entertain themselves
I really don't want a dog just more work for me, this is another bone of contention, husband wants a dog, I don't, he said its not fair because he wants one, so I said fine, you can have a dog, but the care of the dog would be his responsibility, he should do at least 80% of the care walking/poo picking up etc because I do not want a dog
He said that isn't fair because he works full time so I should walk it
What the actual f*ck, this is a whole new aibu thread!!
I have rabbits, they are my rabbits, when I ask if he will help me with them he says no because they are mine, so I do 100% of the rabbit care and pay 100% of the vet bills!!
Double standards

Gymboree567 Mon 14-Mar-16 10:44:11

I do get him to deal with the 13 year old as she responds better to him than me
For example if I ask her to shower it can escalate into a full blown argument in seconds, so I ask him to ask her as she is still moody but not as aggressive so he is useful in that respect

runningLou Mon 14-Mar-16 10:47:50

he would leave me if I kept moaning (in a half joking way) and if I'm having a bad day I shouldn't ruin his good day

No DH should joke about this - it's not funny, it's a veiled threat. And how can he have a good day in the full knowledge that you're having a bad one? He seems very reluctant to see you as a member of his 'team' - I mean that is how I try and see DH and I, we are the husband-wife/parenting team and it's really important that we pull together otherwise the DC will overrun us!! Is there anything you and you DH do together? How would he respond to you asking for more couple time?
Stick to your guns about the dog BTW!

Gymboree567 Mon 14-Mar-16 10:48:35

Just having some one to speak to has made me feel better so thank you to everyone who has replied
It's just a low point, things will seem better soon
I won't be there slave any more
I usually rush to the gym after work on a Friday then rush home to make everyone's tea while husband is in the pub with his friends, well not anymore this Friday I will take my time at the gym then grab myself a takeaway on my way home
They can fend for themselves
Kids rooms = not my problem anymore
I've written a weekend cleaning rota for everyone because I work 10 hours on a Saturday
Thanks everyone this is what I needed x

Ifailed Mon 14-Mar-16 10:50:53

I suggest you make plans for a horsey day out on your own over the Easter holidays, preferably early on, also book a night in a local hotel. As you leave, tell the kids you expect the house to be cleaned from top to bottom by the time you get back. If it is, then good for you, if it isn't book into the hotel and tell them you are leaving. 24 hrs without you running round after them all may be enough.

lavenderdoilly Mon 14-Mar-16 10:50:54

I'm so sorry it's getting on top of you. As a crazy idea could you have a long weekend off somewhere (doesn’t need to be abroad). On your own. I can't remember if they still do, say, Horse of the Year show, or something like that. Or a trip to London. Or whichever. I used to do stuff on my own before I got married and kids. You're 37? You’re still a kid (50s here with primary age).

Gymboree567 Mon 14-Mar-16 10:51:47

Not sure about more couple time, because I have no friends or just spend my days cleaning or at work I feel I have nothing to talk about so meals out can be a bit awkward because I feel like I'm chatting shit and he is bored

Gymboree567 Mon 14-Mar-16 10:52:37

I did think of booking to go to disneyland Paris on my own! Or is that too crazy!

Ifailed Mon 14-Mar-16 10:54:27

Do it, go to Disneyland. They all need a good kick up the arse & you deserve some me-time.

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