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to finally tell H how demanding I can be

(80 Posts)
buildingafootieteam Mon 15-Feb-16 23:24:16

Chatting with H (no D here tonight) and brought up that I'd seen an easter Egg I would like in the shop but it will be popular so if he wanted to get it for me he'd probably want to get it early (easter is a special time for us as a couple and we always mark it). Chatting later and I told him mothers day was early this year. He told me I was very demanding. Bear in mind I didn't ask for anything for mothers day I was letting him know if he wanted to get the dc to make a picture. Well all hell broke loose. I'm so sick of keeping my 'demands' buried. Every birthday and christmas I tell him something to get me (something practical) because he doesn't have the get up and go to think of anything to get me. I'd love to be treated special but lecture after lecture about money has broken me and I just ask for things I need instead of things I want. I picked my own engagement ring and picked the cheapest one as I was already getting a lecture about money. But when I wanted to save on the wedding by going abroad he wanted the big day so that's what we had. We didn't get wedding presents because they were a waste of money. I'm so sick of being treated like nothing so I said said it out. Now he's sleeping on the couch (his choice I didn't ask him to). Is it wrong to want to be treated every now and again

WorraLiberty Mon 15-Feb-16 23:30:29

It's not wrong but personally I don't like the idea of 'putting an order in', which is what you did with the Easter egg.

If it's a special time for you and if he feels the same, then let him buy what he wants to choose for you. That's the whole point in gift giving imo. Fair enough to drop a hint maybe, but if you're basically insisting on a certain egg then you may as well just go and buy it for yourself.

Same with Mother's Day really. Once the kids are old enough to understand, then it's up to them to make you a card or something.

I have to say it would take the fun out of giving if my DH took 'control' in that way.

Chill out and let him deal with it smile

Buzzardbird Mon 15-Feb-16 23:30:44

You are kind of with a person you are not compatible with. Sorry but he showed you what his attitude was to money and trivial stuff before you married him and now you are expecting him to be something he clearly isn't.

There really isn't a way of making him into what you want him to be.

BrideOfWankenstein Mon 15-Feb-16 23:31:52

No, it isn't.
But then it must come from him. You shouldn't have to tell him what to buy you. He should choose it for you.
On the other hand, if he really can't afford it, you should suck it up and ask for something cheaper.

MammaTJ Mon 15-Feb-16 23:36:19

I had nothing for valentines day, as we are too skint as a couple, as a family to afford it. Would you accept that??

I think you may need to stop being such a demanding diva, maybe stop comparing your life to that of the FB boasters and be happy with what you have!

Buzzardbird Mon 15-Feb-16 23:41:30

That's a good point Mamma, if they banned that stupid bragging on FB then maybe others wouldn't have unrealistic expectations?

OP, I really think you need to leave him to his own devices, he might surprise you with thought rather than value.

buildingafootieteam Mon 15-Feb-16 23:45:36

I bought myself a bunch of aldi lillies with the shopping on Saturday as I knew there would be nothing for Valentine's as he doesn't believe in it.

We are not hard done by money wise at all, I have an middle to high paid job and he has a middle to high paid job. We have a decent amount in savings also.

I really don't want to believe that we are not compatible but I think it's niggling in the back of my mind. We have been together 15 years and I have changed my ways for him but he won't bend for me. It's really starting to affect me and I told him tonight I want to go to counselling. He told me he doesn't think there is anything wrong with our relationship of course he doesn't he gets his own way all the time

TendonQueen Mon 15-Feb-16 23:48:16

I don't think an Easter egg and a Mother's Day gift are 'very demanding' especially since you've said you always celebrate together at Easter. I don't get the logic of wedding presents being a waste of money as surely people give them to you, so it's their choice? If this is how he always is bye it's been grinding you down, then there isn't an easy answer as like pp have said, it's a compatibility issue and that's make or break.

BackforGood Mon 15-Feb-16 23:49:14

YABU to be "putting in an order" for an Easter egg
YABU to be following that up by telling him when Mothering Sunday is.

YANBU to be upset that it seems he gets the "say" on all the decisions you should have made together..... although, I'd like to hear his side of that. It seems a big jump from an Easter Egg to the style of wedding you planned.

TendonQueen Mon 15-Feb-16 23:50:07

In the meantime, though, I'd stop changing your ways for him and do things the way you want, if that's honestly what he always does. Let him see then that he applies double standards.

NewLife4Me Mon 15-Feb-16 23:54:05

You want one thing he wants another.
He doesn't do what you like so don't do what he likes.
There lies harmony grin
My dh is unsociable, I'm very sociable.
If I sat round waiting for him to ask me to attend a party with him I'd be very resentful by now as it ain't going to happen.
If I want to go to a party I go with friends.
Me and dh are totally in love, you don't have to be the same.

JeremyZackHunt Mon 15-Feb-16 23:56:44

This isn't about orders and presents is it? It's you take second place to him. DH and I finally managed to exchange Valentine cards at 8pm yesterday. No gifts, just a few nice words and a cuddle. Both happy.
How do you handle birthdays?

TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief Mon 15-Feb-16 23:58:01

I don't think you sound demanding.
So many times I read sad threads here from women who got nothing for Mother's Day or birthday. Good for you for making sure you're not in that position.
I remind dh about Mother's Day. I want him to go with my kids and make some kind of effort. How will the kids learn otherwise?
I want them to consider others and to be kind and thoughtful to others. Why shouldn't that include me? They're still young and need to be guided. When they're old enough then it's up to them.

AnotherEmma Mon 15-Feb-16 23:58:48

This isn't really about the Easter egg. But AIBU is not the place. I suggest you post in Relationships, you'll get much better support and advice.

FWIW he sounds like an arsehole and it sounds like you've had enough. Am I right?

3luckystars Tue 16-Feb-16 00:20:05

What kind of an egg was it?

paxillin Tue 16-Feb-16 00:36:04

Tell him you'd like to be spoiled from time to time, it makes you feel appreciated. Blowing up over a precise order of Easter egg and Mothers Day makes it easy for him to disregard your concerns, because it does sound so diva-ish.

It is possible he won't understand the gift-giving and see it as a waste of money, my BIL is a lot like that, he doesn't come from a family that expresses their love with gifts so doesn't do them.

SpaceDinosaur Tue 16-Feb-16 00:41:24

Buy what you want. Hide it away.
When he disappoints, treat yourself.
If he steps up and gets you an egg/a Mother's Day gift then you get to be genuinely surprised.

SalemSaberhagen Tue 16-Feb-16 00:45:30

I'm betting a Percy Pig 3.

ClarenceTheLion Tue 16-Feb-16 01:07:03

Well tbh, I'd just forget about swapping gifts with each other and just treat yourself.

And really do treat yourself. You shouldn't have to be limited to practical things so he doesn't whine at you. As others say, get the egg yourself. If you do get two, it's a bonus! And get yourself something for Mother's Day too. You never know, he may become alarmed and finally decide to become a gift giver...

MillionToOneChances Tue 16-Feb-16 01:35:02

Buying yourself lilies on Feb 13th - unless you buy yourself flowers every week - sounds a bit passive aggressive. Putting in your Easter egg order and pointing out the date of Mother's Day (on the same day, no less) is pushy and would probably get most people's back up.

That said, it doesn't sound like you're very compatible. Could you handle it differently? Perhaps tell him at a point when you're not asking for anything that little thoughtful gifts are really important to you. They don't have to be expensive but you'll feel hurt if he doesn't make an effort. Then say no more about it but treat yourself if he doesn't. You do treat him, though, don't you? I noticed you didn't mention getting him a Valentine's gift.

VenusRising Tue 16-Feb-16 01:42:36

Good luck with the counselling.
Make lists of what you want to talk about and stick to your guns.

You do sound very worn down at having to organise Everything.

Btw "demanding" wives are "nags" of yesteryear.

Fight for your corner! It will do you good, even if you've had enough and decide to split.

Life is much shorter than we think. No time for being a pushover. Get feisty. Put yourself first.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Tue 16-Feb-16 02:14:07

You're not demanding.
He's too idle/without forethought to put any effort into getting you anything off his own bat, so you're taking the guesswork out of it for him and telling him what you'd like.
He just CBA to do anything nice for you by the sound of it, unless he benefits from it (big wedding).

I wouldn't honestly bother with him re. presents - just sort it out yourself, cut out the middle man. This is what I do now, because DH is one of those who was brought up to not bother with presents for anything, because his father was yet another who didn't think they mattered. They matter to his mum - but because his father didn't care, the boys were never taught to care either, and his mum gave up. She's much happier now that she gets regular cards and gifts!

I care too. DH has been "taught" that these things matter to me, and that if I matter to him then he needs to take notice of that. Our DSs are both going to be taught that as well - although DS1 is already very concerned about getting us cards/ presents for every valid occasion. and some less so - he was quite upset that he hadn't got us cards/presents for Valentine's Day! (He's 8)

So - either dump his uncaring arse, or if you don't want to do that, then just get your own. You're not going to change him now, after all this time.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 16-Feb-16 02:20:59

Only my dps buy me an Easter egg which they have to order online for delivery to my home as they're not in the UK, but if you and your h customarily buy each other easter eggs YANBU in putting your request for a specific egg in early if it's likely to sell out.

Mothering Sunday is 6 March and, as that's a matter of a few weeks away, YANBU in reminding him that it falls early this year as he may need to get his skates on if he wants to organise something with the dc as a surprise for you.

Frankly, he sounds like a controlling tightarse in which case his imagination when choosing gifts will be limited by, and to, the price tag and if you don't demand, you're unlikely to get what you want. If you've lived with this killjoy for years I wouldn't think you were being unreasonable if you had a hissy fit and stamped your feet. smile

RedFlagsOnTheRight Tue 16-Feb-16 06:36:50

It strikes me as childish and demanding to request a certain type of Easter egg. In my family only kids get eggs (though I admit to buying myself ones from Hotel Chocolat sometimes!) If he doesn't care about Easter gifts why should he have to buy you a special type of egg? Why can't you celebrate it in a meaningful way that doesn't involve money being splashed on things you don't need? Or spend your own money on the egg.

Personally I think flowers, chocolates etc are overpriced and shallow, or something you do when you don't know each other well. If I want them I tend to buy them for myself. When DH buys them I say 'how lovely' but they don't mean much. The only time I 'request' a gift is if he's going through duty free on a work trip and asks what I want! I think cooking together, sharing a special meal, planning a day out together, writing a personal message in a card etc are far more intimate than an overpriced over-packaged bunch of flowers (or a chocolate egg!)

Nothing wrong with a gentle hint if he asks what you would like. But let him choose the gift otherwise you are 'ordering' one and there's no meaning to it. If he's not into giving gifts, find other ways to mark special days together.

Believeitornot Tue 16-Feb-16 06:44:30

The Easter egg and Mother's Day reminder are symptoms of a bigger issue

No one sleeps on the couch over that - the OP is clearly unhappy about something bigger and what those represent.

I know someone who's husband "doesn't believe" in Valentine's Day. He doesn't believe in wasting money on buying flowers. It isn't about wasting money - he doesn't make an effort to show love in other ways either.

Neither the op not dh are struggling for funds so it isn't about that. It sounds like it is about showing appreciation for each other.

OP yanbu. Your dh sounds like he doesn't appreciate you by thinking about how you might like something. He just thinks about it from his point of view perhaps? (Guess!)

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