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AIBU?

to move the stepkids into the small bedroom...

81 replies

bolognaadvice · 09/02/2016 16:41

10 months ago DP moved into my 3 bed place.
I got rid of my double guest room and turned it into a permanent room for his DDs (5/8) with bunk beds, toy storage etc etc.

My DS (6) is in the box room and always has been. My plan was always to move him into the bigger room when he was older and started playing more in his room by himself. I want to do this now as think it would be much better for him and don't think it would be of any practical impact to the girls. However I really don't want the girls to see it as a sign that they are "inferior" in our home. It seems crazy that my DS is crammed into this box room with no space to play while a huge double room is unoccupied most of the time. The girls are with us 1 night in the week and e/o wkend but when they're here they generally play downstairs with their dad. My DS on the other hand likes to play in his room with his toys after school but it is getting very cramped. He is with me 22 nights per month.

I want to swap the rooms around but am worried it will all kick off if the girls feel "it's not fair".

I'm going to discuss it with DP tonight but thought i'd test the water here first... Be gentle with me, as a stepmum i am really trying and it is very tough.

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ollieplimsoles · 09/02/2016 16:43

Yanbu but you may be told you are being.

The girls don't need that room, they have their main room at their mums. Ds needs that room as he is there full time.

Ratbagcatbag · 09/02/2016 16:44

Stepchildren generally get the smaller room, unless they can't actually fit it in. My dss is 17 now. He's always had the box room, we had a double guest room before that and then my dd had it when she was born. Dss shows no ill effects from the small room but I will say small rooms seem to work better for teenagers.

AlwaysHopeful1 · 09/02/2016 16:44

Yanbu, but you will be told you are.
The girls already have their own space with their mum. For the sake of 1 night it's mad that your ds stays in the smaller room.

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 09/02/2016 16:46

Is there any scope for you having the box room, or is it really that tiny?

bornwithaplasticspoon · 09/02/2016 16:47

How about if you tell them they can decorate it how they like? Choose paint and new bedding etc? They're still young enough to not get too funny about change so do it now before the teenage hormones cloud everything.

RidersOnTheStorm · 09/02/2016 16:47

YANBU. Let them have a free hand in how it's decorated.

Ilovenannyplum · 09/02/2016 16:47

YANBU, my DS has 2nd biggest bedroom as this is his permanent, here all the time house and DSC have the smaller bedroom because they stay 4 out of 30 nights and aren't here as much.
They don't mind and usually stay downstairs to play anyway.

Seems silly to waste the space in my opinion.

UndramaticPause · 09/02/2016 16:47

Yanbu. I'd fully expect my dc to have the smaller room at their dad's, it's not their permanent residence

Guitargirl · 09/02/2016 16:48

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Surely your DP will agree with what you have suggested?

Maybe offer to the girls that they can have a say in redecorating their new room - make it exciting for them?

RoseDeWittBukater · 09/02/2016 16:49

YADNBU.

rookiemere · 09/02/2016 16:50

How much is DP contributing towards mortgage and household bills?

acasualobserver · 09/02/2016 16:52

Why didn't you move your son into the bigger room when the living arrangements were being changed?

bolognaadvice · 09/02/2016 16:56

I am actually on the verge of tears as I have been thinking about this for ages and been so worried about it all and what will kick off with one of the girls who is just generally difficult about everything. I think I have been trying so hard to do the right thing by them that I have lost all sense of reality.

We couldn't move into the box room. well we could but you can only get a double bed in if one side is up against the wall which doesn't seem like a great idea for 2 adults. We also couldn't fit a wardrobe. We could however fit the girls bunkbed and wardrobe and toy storage.

The small room is blue so I had already thought that they could pick some paint (from a pre approved selection??!!!!) for the small room if they moved.

I have a horrible stressed tense feeling in my stomach though as I am anticipating this will cause an argument or rudeness and stress and my DP will probably say "whatever you want" - in a "i won't tell you not to but i know it will upset my girls" kind of way... when actually what I want him to say is "you know what? that actually makes sense. I'll help you paint the rooms for the kids and make them nice."

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tinyterrors · 09/02/2016 16:56

Yanbu. Yes there's two of them but they'll hardly have any clothes/toys etc at yours and are only there a handful of nights each month. It's not fair for your ds to be squished into a tiny room with all his toys/clothes etc.

You don't need to have the box room either, if it was big enough for a double bed, wardrobe, chest of drawers etc then there'd be no need to ask if it's unreasonable to put your dsds in there.

Be prepared for a flaming though as you're automatically unreasonable as a step parent to some posters here.

bolognaadvice · 09/02/2016 16:58

DP pays half.

I asked my DS when I knew a move was happening and he said he wanted to stay in his room. I don't think he liked the thought of "being turfed out" as he found it hard to share his mum and his bedroom was "his" - if that makes sense?

In all truth he might turn around and say he wants to stay!

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WhoGivesAFlying · 09/02/2016 17:00

Yanbu, either they are use to sharing at home with mum it they have thier own separate bedrooms. Does your ds have a room at dads?

Thegreatunslept · 09/02/2016 17:03

My dsd who is 8 has the smallest room in our house she is here 1 night a week and during week but only sleep here 1 night. My ds has the middle sized room. He lives here permanently.
Dsd has a cabin bed and lovely furniture and has chosen her own bedding.
She has never mentioned the size of her room. It's just her room. At this age I don't think they care about this sort of thing.
My ds will always have the bigger room he is here more of the time.
My dh did say at one stage about giving dsd the bigger room as she is older I gently reminded him that although she is older she is not here as much and has a lot less stuff than ds and that was the last time we discussed it.
If u are going to move them into the smaller room I would suggest bunk beds so it's more fun and they can take turns at sleeping on top bunk.

acasualobserver · 09/02/2016 17:04

In all truth he might turn around and say he wants to stay!

Fingers crossed because that would solve the problem - at least in the short term.

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 09/02/2016 17:04

He might do, bolonga!

When I suggested the box room for you, it really was on the off chance that it might work. I'm not suggesting that you should be a martyr.

I think if you do broach the subject with the girls, you'll need to really sell it. I know they're not there often, but it does sound like it will be a squeeze. You never know, they might actually understand.

bolognaadvice · 09/02/2016 17:06

They already have bunk beds and they share at their mums.

DS has a lovely big room at his Dad's as his Dad has bigger bedrooms than me and no stepkids. Whenever I go to his rom at his dad's I feel gutted for him that he doesn't have the same at ours.

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Cleensheetsandbedding · 09/02/2016 17:10

YANBU

I'm doing the same thing when my dd1 goes travelling this summer. She won't like it when she gets back but I don't care. It's a room and it's being used properly.

Both are my kids

RandomMess · 09/02/2016 17:10

YANBU your DS will want to have friends around etc.

I would actually let the girls decorate it exactly how they want - it is their room... No pre approved selection etc. let them be fully involved etc.

I would also make some dedicated space for some of things downstairs as well especially as they tend to play there.

You also say if they start staying more etc. then things will have to be reviewed. My DC have always switched around rooms, different ones sharing etc. No big deal unless someone makes it into one...

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LycheesAtNoon · 09/02/2016 17:12

Could he just use their room as a playroom when they're not there? If it's tidy and there's cupboard space could you not make it into a big playroom for him with his toys stored there too?

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 09/02/2016 17:13

YANBU.

Could you take the girls shopping for a few things for the room - fairy lights, pictures, and redecorate it and let them choose the colour/curtains?

bolognaadvice · 09/02/2016 17:14

Yes - the comment about "pre approved" was a little tongue in cheek i guess in case they went for black with silver stripes!

And it is a good point about DS and friends - they can't have 2 people playing there as there isn't enough floor space.

I have some of those ikea storage units downstairs in the kitchen and playroom which have all the kids stuff in but could also do some designated ones for the girls. That is a good idea.

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