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To consider a DNA test....

(84 Posts)
fitznmolly Tue 26-Jan-16 09:30:24

on one of my DC.
DS was whisked off to NICU after a C-section and was returned to me a day later.
I, however, am not convinced he is mine. I was away from my bed when he was brought back and I remember thinking "woh - who's that?" When I looked into his cot and so him for the first time.
He looks very different to the rest of the family, different eye colour, build etc. More worryingly his nature, intellect and disposition are also as if he is from a different background or culture.
I know it would be a HUGE thing to do - and I do feel that it would cause more harm than good. However I can't help but feel that some error was made in the hospital.
Any advice or similar situation would be appreciated.

CallieTorres Tue 26-Jan-16 09:35:09

More worryingly his nature, intellect and disposition are also as if he is from a different background or culture???

My youngest started out looking very tanned unlike me and dh, but now looks like DH as a child

I don't think there is harm in a dna test as at least your mind will be at rest (but then I'm just saying this from my view)

How old is dc now?

Thundercrackers Tue 26-Jan-16 09:38:03

What a difficult thing. If you did do a Dna test and he was different, what would you do then? Just asking because it would be like opening Pandora's box in terms of how it would affect everything in your family. Have you tried looking up some old photos of family? Genes can be so weird and sometimes throwback genres literally are that; my brothers wife looks nothing like her sisters but is the spit of her German cousin! I've just read this back and it sounds so dumb; I'm sure someone will be along soon with better advice/experience but didn't want to read and run thanks

OttiliaVonBCup Tue 26-Jan-16 09:39:33

Background and culture are not something you are born with, it's something that comes later.

How old is he?

Iloveonionchutney Tue 26-Jan-16 09:39:59

How old is the Dc? I'm assuming they must be at least a few years old to tell their nature. If you can afford to do the test then as Callie said I don't suppose it will do any harm if it makes you feel better.

TheChocolateDidIt Tue 26-Jan-16 09:42:04

What would you do if the DNA test showed the DC was not yours biologically?

CousinChloe Tue 26-Jan-16 09:43:24

I think you should do it because you are always going to be worrying otherwise. I really think your fears will be groundless, but if this is the case then I think it'd be better to know sooner rather than later.

It does depend a bit whether he is old enough to understand what's going on though - it could really hurt him to know you don't feel like he is really your flesh and blood, so that would make things more complicated.

BlackberryandNettle Tue 26-Jan-16 09:44:39

I think you should try to seek out some counselling really, to talk through how you feel about ds, birth circumstances and what you will do following results of the test, if you do test. I guess ultimately testing will allow you to shift the idea and move on/deal with things. Of course it's not outside the realms of possibility that your instincts are correct but you need to know if what your next steps would be in that situation too... Most of all have you talked to your ds' dad about your concerns?

hesterton Tue 26-Jan-16 09:45:13

Children born from the same parents can be startlingly different.

What do you mean by 'his intellect'? Is he a lot cleverer than the rest of you? Or do you sde him as the opposite, not as clever? Something about this post worries me.

fitznmolly Tue 26-Jan-16 09:45:26

DS is 13.
I am in 2 minds about doing it. On the one hand it could put my mind at ease if he is mine and just a genetic throw back to older relations. However if he isn't - what do I do with that knowledge. ie Where is my son? Is there another mother somewhere thinking that her son is different too.
It could potential destroy DS if it turns he isn't.

It's so big hence me wanting to get some 'outsider' input on it.

ImperialBlether Tue 26-Jan-16 09:46:24

Is your son still very young? I wonder whether you might need to talk to a doctor about post natal depression.

flowers

ExasperatedAlmostAlways Tue 26-Jan-16 09:46:42

How old is he?

I suppose if it would put your mind at rest and reassure you he is yours, no one else needs to know.

Have you struggled to bond with him?

Birdsgottafly Tue 26-Jan-16 09:47:48

OP, talk to the MWs.

Are you in the UK?

I haven't had the personal experience of my baby being in NICU, but have read around this subject.

It's quite common to have these thoughts, after a traumatic Birth/C Section.

Bonding can be an issue and also PND (later on), most Women don't bond for a few weeks.

As said Babies aren't born with a Culture, they are demanding as a survival technique.

mrsjskelton Tue 26-Jan-16 09:48:23

Gosh at 13 I think you've missed the boat - he's going to be upset that you think he's not yours - and lots of teens feel like outsiders in their own family as it is!
Would it change anything if he wasn't yours? Surely you've brought up a child and you love him. The time to do a DNA test would have been in his first year.

Birdsgottafly Tue 26-Jan-16 09:48:57

X post, thought he was little.

Tbh I would do a DNA and if he's yours, speak to the GP.

NerrSnerr Tue 26-Jan-16 09:50:27

Be careful with the intellect thing, are you saying he is less intelligent because if you tell him you're doing a DNA test because he's different he may feel inferior.

Birdsgottafly Tue 26-Jan-16 09:51:53

""More worryingly his nature, intellect and disposition are also as if he is from a different background or culture.""

He's hitting the Teen years and it's tough going.

You seem to want him to fit into an prefixed ideal rather than value him for who he is.

Birdsgottafly Tue 26-Jan-16 09:52:51

Also, I wouldn't tell him that you are doing the DNA, it will destroy your relationship at a really difficult time in his life.

fitznmolly Tue 26-Jan-16 09:52:57

Perhaps culture is the wrong term - I'm struggling to put into words. If nurture is the determining factor then I would expect him to be at least similar to the rest of us. Even his way of speaking is different.
Hard to explain.

I was diagnosed with PND when he was 4 and was treated with Anti-depressants & HV counselling.

BarbarianMum Tue 26-Jan-16 09:53:09

I agree with Blackberry. You need to talk through your feelings and the possible outcomes of testing before taking that step. Because, whatever the outcome, testing alone won't solve anything.

NerrSnerr Tue 26-Jan-16 09:54:14

But at 13 surely he'll need to be told, probably asked. I don't think it would be ethical to do it covertly.

fitznmolly Tue 26-Jan-16 09:56:41

I think I have left it so long - because I didn't trust my feelings. But it's niggling the more he gets older, the more different he becomes. Then again perhaps it's because he is just different to his siblings and Birds right and he's not doing Teenager the same way.

TheGreenNinja Tue 26-Jan-16 09:57:12

At age 13, it must be affecting your relationship with him quite badly already so for that reason I'd go ahead and do it. But can you do it without telling him? At such a sensitive time it would be absolutely devastating to find out your mum didn't think you belonged in your family.
I'm sure you will find that he is yours and the trauma of his birth and time in NICU is the root cause of this. Whatever happens I think you definitely need some counselling. What does his father think?

hesterton Tue 26-Jan-16 09:57:21

Look, this could be to do with you trying to find a reason why you have found attachment hard with this son. Tread very carefully. Please talk to a really good doctor first.

dontcryitsonlyajoke Tue 26-Jan-16 09:57:47

I can't comprehend that you've waited 13 years to ask this. What has triggered you wanting to do something now? I am worried from what you say that it's because he's not living up to your expectations of him. There is huge potential for emotional devastation here whatever the outcome. If he was 3, you could test without him knowing anything but at 13 he'd know something was up.

You need to accept he's yours socially and emotionally whether or not he really is biologically. You've raised him for most of his childhood.

Instead I think you need to look at counselling for yourself to explore why you are feeling like this and what your feelings about his cultural and intellectual differences says about your expectations.

Do not do this to your boy, yes YOUR boy, until you've explored your feelings and issues properly first. I don't think you're anywhere near close enough to doing a DNA test yet.

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