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To not want to drop this even though nothing can be done about it now!?

(105 Posts)
Notimefortossers Fri 04-Dec-15 17:35:31

I have 3 DC. DD1 is 7 and DD2 is 4. On a Friday DD1 has a club after school meaning she needs picking up at 3.45 and DD2 still needs picking up at 3.15. Normally I just pick DD2 up and let her play on the playground for half hour while we wait for her sister.
Fridays are also my DH's day off from work. He has DS1 (10 months) at home for the day while I drop the girls at school, then go to work for 6 hours, then pick them up.
Today DD2 had an appointment at 3.30 straight after school so I told him I would pick her up and take her to that and he would have to pick up DD1 at 3.45.
I get home with DD2 and there not here, after a while I start to worry as they're getting late. They get back at 16:20. First thing DD1 says is 'Daddy was 15 mins late picking me up'.
I am fucking livid! I run myself ragged making sure this kind of thing NEVER happens to my kids. Makes my stomach turn thinking of her being the last poor little forgotten kid being taken to the office to phone her parents.
He is acting like it's no big deal! She's here, she's alive, she's safe and the teacher was fine about it. NOT THE POINT!!! He just says he thought it was 4pm. Well if he thought that then he's an idiot because he's picked them both up on Fridays before if I've needed to work later AND I clearly told him 3.45 TWICE today! Why does he have to be so fucking useless?!
I obviously can't scream and shout at him since the DC are here, so I messaged my mum to vent and she replies 'I know I got a school from the school to pick her up' (She's her emergency contact) She was just leaving when they rang to say he'd turned up.
This week he actually said to me that he wants to stay home with the kids and me go to work (I assume he meant for him to go part time and me got full time, since I DO bloody work thank you AND do every other fucking thing around here!) Ha! Joke mate! You think I'm letting you take over child care for my kids to suffer! Also feel like that just totally undermines everything I do, like it's easy. If he can't cope with one tiny pick up and do that right how would he cope with the endless school trips, charity days, swimming lessons, karate, opticians, dentist, doctors, homework . . .etc etc etc etc and the list goes on!
I really want to have a right bloody go at him after the kids go to bed, but what's the point? It won't change anything! It's happened now hasn't it?

JacquesHammer Fri 04-Dec-15 17:39:58

YABU

Mistakes happen. Your daughter is fine - she was perfectly safe for the 15 minutes she was waiting.

You do sound rather disproportionately angry though?

MsJamieFraser Fri 04-Dec-15 17:40:23

I think you need to get a grip! he made a mistake, kids get left at school all the time, your dd hasn't suffered because of it, he is right, she was secure, she was safe etc...

you need to calm down, and then sit down and have a rational conversation about both your expectations concerning parenthood.

SpanglesGalloway Fri 04-Dec-15 17:41:19

Your right it won't change anything. May make you feel better but no one is physically or mentally damaged from him being 15min late. All it will do is prove you think your a better parent than he is. My Dad worked nights and was late ti collect me and my sister MANY a time. Much later than 15min. We're ok and still love him dearly....

I actually think your being overly mean to your dh. And if is asking to be the parent who is 'there' more I think a genuine discussion about how it would work is required so he knows what it involves and not you dictating no because he was 15min late. Give the guy a break you've been doing it for years and you've never once dropped the ball?

Gileswithachainsaw Fri 04-Dec-15 17:41:48

Yanbu.

how on earth cab he really think it was at a time it's never been nor has ever been mentioned.

bet he fell asleep or something

Grumpyoldblonde Fri 04-Dec-15 17:43:00

Hmm - what is he like on the whole around the house and with the kids? To be honest I have once totally forgotten an after school club was cancelled and didn't show up to pick up my daughter, one time I forgot school started the next day, I thought it was the following week and lots of parents forget non-uniform days or children in need type dress up days. My partner would just laugh and gently tease me. But if your OH is genuinely hopeless as a whole then a big talk is needed

WorraLiberty Fri 04-Dec-15 17:43:49

Makes my stomach turn thinking of her being the last poor little forgotten kid being taken to the office to phone her parents.

That's an extreme over reaction.

It's not Annie the musical.

He was 15 mins late, it happens and hopefully it wont happen again.

crossroadsinmylife Fri 04-Dec-15 17:43:59

Gosh what an overreaction. We have parents late everyday where I work.

Gileswithachainsaw Fri 04-Dec-15 17:46:11

late does occasionally happen. meetings over run, appointments are delayed, traffic is particularly bad etc and a busy person gets times mixed up occasionally due to so many balls in the air.

but those are all different circumstances to one person who has one job once and can't even do that despite having it all explained

that would piss me off

spanisharmada Fri 04-Dec-15 17:46:17

Yanbu, I imagine there is more to this then 1 late pick up

redteddy Fri 04-Dec-15 17:47:33

Wow. YABU. He made one small mistake that had no terrible consequences and you're questioning his ENTIRE ability to parent?

mumeeee Fri 04-Dec-15 17:53:46

YABU. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes. My DDs are grown up now but I remember sometimes being late picking them up from school or an activity. I think you need to give your DH a break and calm down

Notimefortossers Fri 04-Dec-15 17:54:03

you've been doing it for years and you've never once dropped the ball?

Honestly no, not when it comes to picking them up, appointments, clubs, dressing up day, trips, parents evenings, school plays . . . that kind of thing. I don't claim to be a perfect parent by a long shot, but my weaknesses definitely lie in other area's - like keeping on top of the house!

Yes I think that's why I am perhaps overly angry Grumpy. He is, in my opinion pretty useless. Forgot to mention (honestly not intended as a drip feed) that he fucks he baby's routine up every Friday too and doesn't touch a thing around the house (like literally, I got in tonight and the breakfast dishes and cereal boxes still sat on the kitchen side).

I'm also 5 months pregnant . . .

I don't think its the fact that he made the mistake, but the fact he's being so blase about it.

I know exactly how it would work if we swapped roles. I'd up my hours, he'd reduce his and I'd still do every fucking thing around here, organise everything whilst he sat on his tablet for 15 hours a day 'researching stuff'

AuntieStella Fri 04-Dec-15 17:54:37

"Makes my stomach turn thinking of her being the last poor little forgotten kid being taken to the office to phone her parents."

She may well not have been the last pupil, and a 7yo is very unlikely to have been at all fazed by a mildly late pick up.

Your reaction is so unusually strong that I was wondering if there is an additional reason for it.

YANBU to be pissed off he was late. But that doesn't make it right to be catastrophising about it.

Notimefortossers Fri 04-Dec-15 17:56:18

Ok, thanks everyone, calming down now . . . whilst tottering off to sort out the mess he's left today

cathpip Fri 04-Dec-15 17:56:56

Mistakes happen and I assume they are your dh's kids too, because all that I am getting from your post is you don't trust him doing anything with "my kids"........

AuntieStella Fri 04-Dec-15 17:57:26

X-posted with your last, Notimefortossers and it sounds like this is a camel's straw moment. It's not really about a few minutes the afternoon; it seems to be about the whole balance of responsibilities.

How long has this been brewing?

Grumpyoldblonde Fri 04-Dec-15 17:57:26

You are having a fourth child with him? He must have some redeeming features?

Fairenuff Fri 04-Dec-15 17:57:29

This sounds like the last straw in a long list of straws. I do wonder why you are having another child with him though if it's such a struggle with 3 already?

You know what he is like, he won't change. What is it that you want from your relationship?

Gileswithachainsaw Fri 04-Dec-15 17:59:23

He sounds like someone who feels hos mere existence and agreement to do anything at all is doing you a favour by that he's out to prove some point that not everything has to he done at a certain time all the time.

so he thinks the routines a pile of crap and him having the baby is enough. never mind how late naps or late feeds or late medications can fuck it up for you later on.

KitKat1985 Fri 04-Dec-15 18:03:30

I think you are over-reacting to this particular instance. However I sense this is a 'straw that broke the camel's back' in a long line of incidents in which you feel he has let you or the kids down, hence your strong reaction.

GabiSolis Fri 04-Dec-15 18:05:43

This is a massive overreaction. Your DH made a mistake, but he's right that's it's not a big deal.

That said, your later posts seem to suggest that this is the straw that broke the camels back. If that's the case and you do need to have it out with him, don't focus on this incident because you will seem daft and he will dismiss your argument. You need to raise his behaviour as a whole and not concentrate on a minor mistake.

Lucyccfc Fri 04-Dec-15 18:07:34

I would be cross too, but it's 15 minutes. A few deep breaths.

I am more concerned with why you are 'tottering off to clean up his mess from today'? Ask him to clean his own mess up and don't enable him to be useless.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Fri 04-Dec-15 18:10:19

I think you are totally reasonable to be pissed off. I disagree with the other posters who are minimising this.

If he wants to be the SAH parent, he will have to take it ALL on. Not fair for him to do stuff in a halfhearted, bare-minimum-is-good-enough manner. This includes family admin along with everything you mention.

DH became the full time SAHP in September. There are a few things he has not kept on top of and it has been a bit of a challenge. I do let rip on him when he fucks up. DDs ran out of shampoo and toothpaste in their bathroom for almost a week (he is in charge of shopping and didn't think to check, relying instead on them telling him). DD1 did not have her PE kit or pajamas washed in several weeks (HOW do you not notice that pajamas are missing from the laundry when you are folding it?). He has missed or ignored numerous communications from school asking for permission slips, money for a couple of things, etc. The DD's didn't have a single play date for the entire first half term, apart from ones I organised for a weekend day. The list goes on but you get the idea.

It pisses me off because when I was in charge, this sort of stuff didn't happen. He always says that he never judged me or told me off, well I never gave him reason to. I was just on top of everything. He is a lot better now.

I think if you haven't been the SAHP before, it takes a while to get used to the detail and the juggling. And you have to be willing to "sweat the small stuff".

However, I have also mellowed. There are lots of different ways of doing some things, and in a lot of cases there is no reason his way is any worse or any better than mine. As an example, he prefers to do the laundry now at the weekend but we used to always do it during the week.

OP my advice is that if you are going to change to him being the SAHP, have a very full and frank discussion beforehand. And come to an agreement about how you are going to handle differences of opinion on how something should be done.

Namechangenell Fri 04-Dec-15 18:10:54

YANBU at all. I totally understand your anger. You work your arse off to make sure all bases are covered, the majority of the time, and he messes up the one time he has to step in. I'd be annoyed too and don't think you're disproportionately angry at all. I've never been late for my kids and wouldn't be unless there was a dire emergency. It's not fair on them, particularly if, like in this case, disorganization is the root cause.

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