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to take my wife to A&E even though she doesn't want to.

(239 Posts)
worriedH Mon 17-Aug-15 14:52:57

Hi I am a first time poster but my wife uses this website a lot and she has shown it too me many times and I have used it a couple times now as well.

So I need some advice and I don't want to ask friends or family because that feels wrong and I know she wouldn't like to think that I was talking about her to family behind her back.
So I am hoping some strangers on the internet can help advise me instead.

There is a bit of background to this.
Before I met my wife she was in an abusive relationship and part of that was that he wouldn't allow her to go to the doctors when she was hurt or ill unless he decided it was necessary. Also her parents didn't like taking her to the doctors and would only take her if she was really in pain otherwise they would say that she was wasting the doctors time they also used to tell her horror stories about doctors doing awful things to their patients to stop her asking to go.

All this seems to have combined and made her reluctant to see medical professionals unless she is desperate. She takes the kids if anything is wrong with them and when she was pregnant she went fine (but she did say she was going for the baby) but if its anything to do with her she just refuses to go.She also doesn't like going by herself and tends to take me or sometimes my mother if I can't go.

So she had our baby three weeks ago, she tore rather badly and lost a bit of blood and had to have a transfusion, and the baby had a few problems breathing at first so they were both kept in for a little while but they were fine in the end and came home.

Everything was fine for the first two weeks and then one night she was sitting down and she said her stomach was hurting her a bit. She stood up and went for a walk and after an hour she said it was fine and she must have been sitting strangely.

The next day in the early hours she woke up and told me that she felt sick but her stomach hurt and she didn't think she could get out of bed without being sick. I got her the sick bucket and she was sick and then a few minutes later she said she felt much better and she got up and went to brush her teeth.

Then the next day I came home from work and found her sitting on the bed shaking saying that her stomach was hurting and she had to go to A&E as I was calling my parents to come and look after the kids she was sick and then said she felt fine and she wouldn't go to the hospital anymore.

I was sitting next to her yesterday an noticed that her stomach was bloated and it was hard to touch. I asked her if she was okay and she said yes. I asked her if she wanted to ring the out-of hours number for the doctors and she said no. But I noticed she was having a bit of trouble walking and bending and picking up the baby. So I asked her again and she told me to stop asking her as I was worrying her.

This morning she has woken up with stomach pains in the lower half of her stomach. She is struggling to stand up straight and she struggled to get to our bathroom. She's shaking aging though she keeps saying it's not that bad and she looks really pale.

I want to take her to A&E but she won't go she says she doesn't want to leave the baby and she is getting really upset when I am asking to take her. I have told her I am really worried but she started crying and saying that she just has to wait and be sick again and then she will be fine but it's been hours now and I am worried but she keeps telling me that its none of my business and I need to do what she asks and respect her decision.

I am wondering now if I should just carry her to the car and make her go. But then I don't want her to hate me for forcing her but I am really worried and I would feel awful if it was something serious.

So would I be unreasonable to just take her anyway, or how can I convince her to go without forcing her.

Also if anyone thinks they might know what it is do feel free to share just to give me an idea of what it might be.
Thank you

vvviola Mon 17-Aug-15 14:56:56

Can you phrase it as "you need to be checked out as you are no good to the baby if you are sick"? As you say she went when pregnant, so this might work to persuade her.

Is she due a visit from the public health nurse? Or can you ring and say you are concerned! It may be more persuasive from a medical professional?

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant Mon 17-Aug-15 14:56:58

Nhs symptoms checker online.

They will give proper advice.

It sounds like she needs some medical help. Let her take the baby with her. If you have bigger dcs, get granny to sit them. Or a neighbour.

The longer you leave it, the worse it will get. If there is a problem. If there isn't, then at least you will all know.

Good luck flowers

Welshmaenad Mon 17-Aug-15 14:59:06

Can you call and get a midwife to come out? I'm pretty sure they will if she's only 3 weeks postnatal. Then if they say she needs to go she might listen.

anorakgirl Mon 17-Aug-15 14:59:30

Please try and convince her to go, say what vvviola said. I made myself very very ill after I had ds1 as I thought the bleeding etc was normal, I had a massive infection.

anorakgirl Mon 17-Aug-15 15:00:13

Oh and ringing the midwives yourself might be the best idea

Pippin8 Mon 17-Aug-15 15:00:18

You didn't say if she had a normal birth or a caesarean. But, either way, it sounds like she could have an infection & does need to be seen sooner rather than later. I think you need to use 'the baby needs you' angle & persuade her to get seen somewhere.

DextersMistress Mon 17-Aug-15 15:00:39

I agree she definitely needs to go, can't you take the baby with you to reassure her?

You can't carry her to the car, you just can't.

Could you call a doctor out?

DayLillie Mon 17-Aug-15 15:00:54

Ring up GP surgery to see if they have an emergency appt. They usually find one for someone like this who has recently had a baby, and she can take the baby, and the children can take something to keep them busy in the waiting room. Hopefully that is less scary than A&E.

LIZS Mon 17-Aug-15 15:01:04

Is she still under midwifery care? If so can you call them for advice or the ward she attended. She may have infection or retained tissue which needs attention.

Tryingtokeepalidonit Mon 17-Aug-15 15:01:27

I would phone your GP/ emergency helpline or maternity unit and ask for advice. Then tell her you need to act on it. Good luck.

NerrSnerr Mon 17-Aug-15 15:03:19

I'd call the midwife, they'll come and see her and get her a bed in hospital if necessary.

BunnyFint Mon 17-Aug-15 15:03:32

She needs to be seen, today. Pale, shaking with a hard bloated stomach could indicate infection or retained placenta. If you're concerned you could give labour ward a ring and ask one of the midwives, she may go if a HCP advises her to. I'm a HCP, but I'm also an Internet random. Would she speak to a midwie if you rang?

mojo17 Mon 17-Aug-15 15:04:16

Ring her midwife straightway and describe her symptoms and the fact she is scared to go to a and e and get midwife to come see her today

Coconutty Mon 17-Aug-15 15:04:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TeamBacon Mon 17-Aug-15 15:04:26

Definitely call the midwife if she's not been discharged yet. Otherwise call doctors or 111 for advice. She might have an infection, but it definitely sounds like it needs checking out.

BunnyFint Mon 17-Aug-15 15:04:43


WorldsBiggestGrotbag Mon 17-Aug-15 15:06:28

I had to go into hospital with a severe infection 8 days post birth and I took my baby with me (BF). They were great at accommodating her, and put me in a private room with a crib and sent midwives down to help me with the baby. So please reassure her that she won't have to leave the baby! It sounds like she needs medical attention, I nearly died from my infection as I had developed sepsis so please get her seen.

Hedgehogsdontbite Mon 17-Aug-15 15:06:41

Is she constipated? It can be quite difficult to go when you're sore and have stitches. That could explain her symptoms.

minitoot Mon 17-Aug-15 15:07:24

Can you even call an ambulance? It sounds as if she should be seen as soon as possible. I don't think you should try and take her yourself if it would mean forcing her.

VerityWaves Mon 17-Aug-15 15:08:23

She needs to be seen as all her symptoms point to an abdominal infection of some kind which can be v serious.

Marcipex Mon 17-Aug-15 15:08:52

Please don't wait any longer.

DanceJunkie Mon 17-Aug-15 15:12:50

Please call the midwife (if she's under midwife care) if not then you can call her doctors and ask for a home visit. I had retained placenta after my first child, I thought what I was experiencing was normal - it wasn't. It really does sound like she needs to be seen as soon as possible x

Lweji Mon 17-Aug-15 15:14:21

I hope you are on your way with her.

If not, I'd mention the distinct possibility of it becoming very serious and she leaving the baby for even longer.

ChanandlerBongsNeighbour Mon 17-Aug-15 15:14:31

Definitely call the midwifery team, if you explain the situation re your wife being reluctant to come out and see someone, I'm certain they would send someone to check her out (unless they thought it serious to advise you bringing her in anyway). Reassure your wife that the baby can stay with her. FWIW it seems like some sort of infection to me (I'm not a HCP). Hope you're all ok soon!

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