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Is dp really meant to pay for my hen night?

(86 Posts)
Surelynotabridezilla Tue 14-Jul-15 09:24:43

Deep breath as this is a wedding one. We get married in October and my friend has told me she's organising my hen do so all our friends can show me how much I mean to them. So far, so good.
Except, not really. Dp was in a bad mood last night and eventually said he had to discuss something with me. Said friend (who was dps friend first, and they go back a good 15 years) has sent dp a message saying that, of course, its traditional for the groom to pay for the bride and could he please send her £150. I've spent the whole night awake feeling absolutely gutted. I now feel I can't really go. Dp is mad that this friend knows we are paying for the wedding entirely by ourselves and it's going to be costing us a lot (not a lot to some, but a lot to us). We've sacrificed a lot to be able to invite the people we want, feed them adequately and make sure they have a nice time. Our money is joint money so our friend is essentially asking me to pay. Which is not have had a problem with if she'd just asked me. But, I have no idea what the plan is, or what this money covers, and nor does dp. I was just hoping for a nice dinner out or similar, and our friend knows this. I've never heard of a tradition whereby the groom pays. I'd either be happy to pay for myself or tbh on every other hen I've been on, the friends all chip in and pay for the brides share.
I just feel a bit gutted really, and I'm directing my disappointment at completely the wrong person. I feel a bit cross with dp that he's told me and that he doesn't think I'm worth just paying for, but then the next minute I know that's ridiculous and I'd be equally appalled to be asked to pay for his stag. But I'm also so so disappointed in my friend. I feel like no one feels I'm worth actually celebrating sad

NinkyNonkers Tue 14-Jul-15 09:25:46

I have never heard that, ever! Seems completely bizarre. So Yanbu in my book, she overstepped.

Groovee Tue 14-Jul-15 09:26:47

Never heard of the groom paying for the hen night. I paid for my own. I have heard of everyone else chipping in for the bride

Gem124 Tue 14-Jul-15 09:27:02

I've never heard of the groom paying for the hen do. As far as I'm aware everyone pays for themselves and bridesmaids pay for the bride. I think your do has every right to be upset and your friend was out of order. Hope you get it sorted, this should be a happy time.

CatsCantTwerk Tue 14-Jul-15 09:27:38

Its not something i have heard of! The only time I have seen this is on don't tell the bride when the groom has all the money and is arranging everything (maybe she got it from there?).

Yanbu at all to feel the way you do.

honeysucklejasmine Tue 14-Jul-15 09:28:51

£150?! I'd be worried my friends were being asked to pay that too! I think you need to speak to her. ASAP.

Surelynotabridezilla Tue 14-Jul-15 09:29:06

Cats, that's exactly what I said to dp! I've only ever seen it on don't tell the bride too.

bigTillyMint Tue 14-Jul-15 09:29:29

I agree, I've only ever seen it on Don't tell the Bride.


ImperialBlether Tue 14-Jul-15 09:29:32

She's completely making that up! The bridegroom doesn't have anything to do with the hen night.

Is there anyone else you can talk to out of your other friends?

mayaknew Tue 14-Jul-15 09:30:02

I've never ever heard of the groom paying shock

Like you say either everyone pays extra and the bride goes free , or the bride just pays for herself . I think if it's a meal and drinks everyone else should pay for the bride but any sort of overnighter or weekend away then the bride just pays her money like everyone else .

Also I'd be the same as you and would not hand over £150 if I didn't know what it was for . Is this friend your Maid of honour ? Tbh this is why I organised my own hen so I would have the night I wanted . That's what you should do .

19lottie82 Tue 14-Jul-15 09:30:03

I've never heard of this either. It's certainly not "traditional" for the groom .

Either the bride pays for herself, or the "hens" chip in together and pay for her, no set rule.

MidniteScribbler Tue 14-Jul-15 09:31:50

Every hen I've been on I've paid for myself and chipped in a small amount to cover the bride's share.

I'd definitely want to know if the 150 is just your share or the total cost. It's a ridiculous amount to be spending on a hen's if it is just for one person.

Egosumquisum Tue 14-Jul-15 09:32:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JanineMelnitzGlasses Tue 14-Jul-15 09:32:40

Never heard of that. The hen either pays for herself or the hen party chip-in to cover her costs. Your friend BU.

Surelynotabridezilla Tue 14-Jul-15 09:32:43

Maya, she's not my maid of honour no, though I think she was desperate to be asked. I don't have one, I have 2 bridesmaids, my dd and my sister. I did consider for a long time asking her to be my maid of honour but tbh I don't really want one.

JanineMelnitzGlasses Tue 14-Jul-15 09:33:05


Mrsjayy Tue 14-Jul-15 09:33:43

Tbf on DTTB they organise everything so hen budget comes from that your friend is sspouting rubbish and the hens are traditionally meant to take the bride out ,

FruChristerOla Tue 14-Jul-15 09:34:20

Of course the groom doesn't pay for the bride's hen night - nor should the bride pay for the groom's stag night.

Don't be upset and pissed off with your DP, it's not his fault - it's your friend's fault for making such a daft suggestion.

mayaknew Tue 14-Jul-15 09:34:21

She's not even a bridesmaid shock

Op I really think you should just tell her you'd rather organise your own hen night who knows wtf she is planning for £150shock

milkysmum Tue 14-Jul-15 09:34:33

Your friend is being ridiculous- I have never heard of the groom paying for the hen do!

Surelynotabridezilla Tue 14-Jul-15 09:35:13

Do isn't having a stag, and he's been quite clear in that since the beginning. It was actually friends husband who wanted to organise him one and I'm now glad he put his foot down. That plan involved going to a city a good three hours away and doing a very expensive activity. Which I now know we'd obviously have had to pay for. It's not that I mind people spending money if they have it, but I know that they don't, and they know that we don't!

TheMoa Tue 14-Jul-15 09:35:24

As others have said, your 'friend' sounds odd.

And if she is asking your partner to pay £150 to cover your share of the night, that means whatever she's planning is costing the other guests £150 a pop too.

That's a lot of money to pay to attend a hen do.

SchwarzwalderKirschtorte Tue 14-Jul-15 09:35:34

I've never heard of that before! Wow. YANBU and nor is your DP for feeling aggrieved. It's not your DP's fault though, it's not that he doesn't think your worth it, it's because it's not the done thing to ask the groom to pay for his bride-to-be's hen night!

What next, paying your guests to come to the wedding? hmm

Penfold007 Tue 14-Jul-15 09:44:16

I thought it was the bridesmaid/s prerogative to organise the hen do. It certainly isn't the grooms responsibility to fund it. The hen dos I've been to we all self fund and chip in extra to cover the bride's meal, drinks etc.

WeAreEternal Tue 14-Jul-15 09:47:02

I have never heard of this and I have been to a lot of hen dos.

In almost all cases either all the attendees chipped in to pay for the bride (pre agreed) or the entire do was prepaid by the family or bride and groom.

I've also had a quick Google and I can't find anything about this 'tradition', it sounds like she has invented it.

In your position I would contact her and say that you have spoken with DP and have decided that although you appreciate her efforts and intentions you would rather just have a nice meal out with some friends so are going to organise that for yourself instead of a 'traditional' hen do.

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